


Bergamot

by cafei_au_lei



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canonical prejudice, Eventual Romance, F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Light Angst, Past Relationship(s), former wolfstar is referenced
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:55:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 55,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26351524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cafei_au_lei/pseuds/cafei_au_lei
Summary: bergamot [ber-guh-mot, -muht] (noun): a small citrus tree, Citrus aurantium bergamia, having fruit with a rind that yields a fragrant essential oil. While Earl Grey tea never was quite Tonks' favorite, there's somehow always a cup to be found somewhere as she tries to get to know Remus a little better. Moments from Remus and Tonks' relationship from OotP through end of HBP.
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks
Comments: 49
Kudos: 55





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N Woo boy, I've been hit with a baaad case of writer's block, but what better way to get around it than to just crash right through it? I'm not entirely happy with this and may end up fixing and reuploading at some point lol but I am trying to get some writing out into the universe with the hopes that it'll lure the creativity back to me.
> 
> This started off as a oneshot but then kept getting longer so I've tried separating it into what'll likely be three parts, the last two of which I hope to upload in the next week or two after some tweaks. But if the continuity seems kind of weird, that'll partially be why.
> 
> As always, open to any and all feedback, thoughts, comments, your hopes and dreams, etc! I hope you're all safe and doing well :)

Tonks sighed as she spotted Kingsley's bald head making its way towards her cubicle. She concentrated on shuffling the pile of paperwork she'd been wading through at her desk and tried to ignore him as long as possible, but she could feel him hovering. She was never going to finish this report. "What do you want?" she snapped, finally turning around.

Her colleague arched an eyebrow. "Good morning to you too, Tonks."

"Sorry, King," Tonks replied, scrubbing a hand down her face. "It's just been a hell of a morning."

"You were late."

"Yeah, well, I could barely sleep last night."

"Neighbors keep you up again?"

"I swear, my landlord told me they were muggles, but I really don't know. Can't tell if it's just obnoxiously loud sex or if Mr. Jones next door's married a banshee. Her voice cuts right through my charms." Kingsley chuckled. "Anyway, sorry. I'm just exhausted. What's up?"

"I need you to do an escort for me."

She paused. Generally few visitors required escorts through the ministry. It was usually only people being brought in for questioning, and she hadn't seen any memos come through regarding any interrogations today. But it was either that or…

"He has an appointment with the Werewolf Registry."

She groaned. Thanks to Umbridge working like a madwoman to put through all sorts of new policies, procedures, and laws, the Werewolf Registry had been shaping up to...well, to actually keep its register up-to-date. Many werewolves who were summoned did not bother showing up, but enough had been coming through in the past few weeks that Tonks and her colleagues had already sat through several interviews down on Level 4, as recent protocol was to have an Auror present in case anything got out of hand. Tonks had sat in on one such interview only a couple of days prior, and she did not remember that fellow fondly; it didn't have anything to do with his being a werewolf so much as it had with the fact that he was shockingly rude, though she couldn't say she really blamed him; her colleagues down on Level 4 were unpleasant to deal with even as a fellow Ministry employee on a good day. And she hadn't even had coffee yet today. "Fine. When do we need to meet him?"

"Er - now, if you can. And it's just going to be you." Kingsley shot her an apologetic look. "I got called into this last minute meeting for the Black case."

She tried to ignore the twinge she experienced in her stomach at the mention of her cousin, and the case that she was _supposed_ to be working on until she was recused due to a 'conflict of interest.'

"Okay. That last chap was a piece of work, though, and I'm running dangerously low on patience this morning. Are you sure there's no one else who can -"

"You shouldn't have a problem with this one, Tonks. Promise."

"Okay, how can you know that, though?"

"Just trust me."

"Yeah, alright, if you say so," she muttered, pulling her Auror robes back on from where she'd slung them across the back of her chair. "What's the name then?"

"Remus Lupin. He should be waiting in the visitor check-in area."

"That bloke who taught at Hogwarts?" Kingsley nodded.

She sighed. She supposed begrudgingly that Kingsley might be right; how much trouble could an ex-professor _really_ give her? "Alright then, I'll head down."

"Thanks, Tonks, I owe you one."

"That you do," she shot over her shoulder, grinning at Kingsley as she headed out of the Auror department towards the lift.

Tonks vaguely remembered reading Remus Lupin's name in the newspaper once news broke that Dumbledore had hired a werewolf as the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor. She'd skimmed the article, but she remembered the accompanying picture more clearly - Rita Skeeter's work, of course. She'd clearly been camped out by the school's gate, awaiting the disgraced professor's departure, and managed to capture the poor bloke by surprise as he left the school grounds, a single tattered briefcase in his hands. He'd shielded his face from her camera, but not quickly enough to hide the look of weary resignation mingled with embarrassment that flashed across his features. Rita Skeeter was a vulture who preyed upon and twisted other peoples' worst moments for her own gain, and werewolf or not, Tonks had felt a pang of sympathy for the man before she'd flipped the page to that day's crossword.

She reached the visitor's check-in; it was fairly early yet, and she barely needed to scan the sparse crowd before she spotted him. He looked about as thin and tattered as she remembered from the Daily Prophet picture; he was looking down, fiddling with his faded red tie as she walked up to where he was sitting.

"Remus Lupin?"

He glanced up, startled. "Oh - hi, yes, that's me." He stood abruptly; he was taller than she thought he'd be. Only now did Tonks notice the visitor's badge pinned to the lapel of his jacket - "Remus Lupin, LYCANTHROPE." All in red, flashing letters, complete with a neon yellow moon quickly cycling through its phases. "Pleasure to meet you." He stuck out his hand, then immediately looked as if he regretted the gesture and withdrew his hand just a fraction as he avoided her eyes. "Er - sorry, I didn't mean -"

She reached out and gave him a firm handshake. "Tonks. Bit overdone, that." She nodded to the badge on his chest. He looked down, smiling cautiously.

"Yes, the flashing moon is a new addition, I believe. My compliments to the graphic designer, though I do think the yellow perhaps clashes with the red just a bit. If we're allowed to submit feedback on the color scheme, of course."

She snorted. "I'll be sure to pass along your suggestions. I would let you take it off, but…"

"No, it's okay. I understand." They started to walk across the atrium together, and she could feel him looking at her. "Speaking of color schemes, I like your hair."

"Pardon?" she asked, frowning as she reached up to fuss with her pink ponytail. She had a thought that maybe he was insulting her, but when she looked up, she was surprised to see he was wearing what looked to be a genuine smile.

"I've met a few Aurors in my day, but I think you'd be the first with pink hair," he replied. But the smile suddenly disappeared, replaced by an expression of worry that he had said something he shouldn't have. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean -"

"If you think the pink is cool, watch this." She screwed up her eyes and morphed her hair into a bright turquoise. When she opened her eyes, he was looking at her with slight awe. She wasn't quite sure why she'd shown him that and why she felt rather pleased at his reaction, but she could tell he was trying to be friendly and she'd decided that he probably already felt awful enough about this visit without her being a complete grump.

"You're a Metamorphmagus."

"It's not really impressive," she shrugged, "it's just...I dunno, it's just me. Who I am. Aside from it giving me the ability to absolutely push the envelope of the Ministry's dress code, it's dead useful. Definitely came in handy for my Auror training."

"You're quite young to be an Auror," he said rather curiously. From the way his eyes flickered up, she had a feeling the tips of her hair were starting to go red as they did when she was irritated. "I meant that it's very impressive," he added quickly. "I hope you don't take that as an insult. I know how difficult it is to go through the training. You must have been top of your class."

She flushed. "Oh. Yeah, I...well. Yeah, thanks." She'd never quite been good at taking praise, and she was relieved that they'd reached the lifts. As she hit the button for the first floor, she noticed him give her a rather furtive glance, eyebrows slightly knit together. He looked as if he wanted to say something but wasn't sure if he was allowed to.

"I know we're going to level four, I just need some coffee first," she explained. They got off and stopped in front of the door to the cafeteria. "It's employees only, though, sorry. Just wait for me here, if that's alright, I'll be quick. I promise I won't make you late for your interview. D'you want coffee?"

"Oh, no thank you," he replied politely.

"Tea? Hot chocolate? Water? Firewhiskey?"

"Er -"

"Just joking about the last one. Though there are certainly days I wish the cafeteria sold something a bit stronger than coffee. And today is one of those days for me, if I'm being honest. I've a feeling it's the same for you too, eh?" That picture of him in the Daily Prophet flashed through her mind again for some reason; how miserable he'd looked. "But I'm getting you a drink whether you want it or not, so you might as well just tell me what you'd like."

"Tea, if you insist," he replied cautiously. "But it's okay if -"

"What kind?"

"Um - Earl Grey, if they have it. Or anything is fine," he added hastily.

"How d'you take it?"

"Milk and the smallest bit of sugar. But really, Ms. Tonks, it's not -"

"Ew. Just call me Tonks, Ms. Tonks makes me feel like my nan." There was that smile on his face again. "Earl Grey with milk and a tiny bit of sugar. Right you are, be back in a jif!" She started to push through the entrance to the cafeteria, then popped her head back out as a thought occurred to her. "If anyone asks you why you're here unaccompanied, just say you're here with me. You can tell them Auror Tonks was late to work this morning because her neighbors kept her up all night long with their raucous banshee sex and subsequently she is acquiring the coffee she needs to survive the day."

His eyebrows raised slightly in surprise. "Okay," he replied. "Though I think I may change the wording of that a bit." The corners of his mouth twitched. "Raucous Banshee Sex. I believe I heard them on the wireless the other day. Quite a good band name, don't you think?"

Tonks couldn't help but laugh. "Newest single recorded straight through the walls of my flat at 3am this morning."

As she came back out into the hallway holding two cups, she noticed that he had now been joined by one of her colleagues. She rolled her eyes as she heard Caelan Louden using what he no doubt considered his signature intimidation tactic, which was really just him trying to force his voice down to a register it could never feasibly reach without sounding utterly ridiculous.

"There she is," she heard Lupin say, relieved as he gestured to Tonks while she walked up to the two men.

"Alright there, Louden?"

"What was he doing here unaccompanied?" the blonde Auror immediately shot at her.

"I was grabbing coffee and I asked him to wait here. It looks like he's doing exactly as I'd asked. Is there a problem?"

"According to regulation, werewolves are not -"

"I know what regulation says, Louden, and I'm telling you that I've got this under control," she snapped. "He's perfectly capable of waiting by himself in the hallway. Were you alright here, Lupin? Kill anyone while I was gone?"

She could have sworn a look of amusement flickered across the ex-professor's face. "Er - no, thankfully, I've just been waiting here. As you asked."

Tonks glared at her fellow Auror. "I was in the cafeteria for maybe three minutes, doesn't seem like enough time for anyone to go on any sort of rampage. So I don't quite see what the problem is. And speaking of time, isn't there a meeting _you_ were supposed to be at five minutes ago?"

Louden flushed. "I was on my way when I passed the werewolf here, and -"

"He has a name, you know. On that great ugly badge right there." She gestured to Lupin, who was watching the two Aurors with a mild look on his face. "Was that all? Will you let me get back to doing my job now?"

"Yes," Louden muttered.

"Alright then. Let's go, Lupin." They left the other Auror muttering something under his breath as they entered the lift again. "Sorry about that," she sighed. "I know it doesn't make it any better, but he's an utter arsehole to everyone. I can't stand him even on his best days. He's an absolute _horror_ during our department briefings."

"It's alright." He chuckled. "I did tell him I was waiting for you, but I left out that bit about the banshee sex. Something about his disposition told me he wouldn't quite find that amusing."

She laughed as she handed him his tea. "He wouldn't know a sense of humor if it bit him in the arse. Anyway, I hope he didn't give you too hard of a time. Half the Auror department's supposed to be in a meeting right now, so I didn't think anyone would actually stop to question you while I was in the cafeteria."

"It's really alright." He smiled at her. "Thank you for the tea." As he lifted the cup to his mouth, a sharp note of bergamot cut through the coffee smell that had permeated the lift, mingling strangely with the richer scent. This is why she had never particularly cared for Earl Grey; it was alright, she supposed, but she didn't quite understand why anyone would want to drink a tea that more or less just tasted like the description of an orange by someone who hadn't had an actual orange in at least ten years.

"My pleasure. Alright, down we go." She hit the button for level four. They got off the lift and followed signs for the Beast division; the hallway was quiet except for their muffled footsteps on the carpet and what she swore was a soft sigh from Lupin. They paused outside the door to the Werewolf Registry's office and she let out a quiet groan as she caught sight of Alisdair MacMillan through the glass pane in the door. "Oh, not him."

She felt Lupin stiffen slightly beside her. "Should I be worried?" he asked in a low voice.

"Nah, he's just a bit of a tosser. Thinks he's more important than he actually is. I don't particularly care for him because he _always_ has something to say about my hair, even though I'm quite certain that brightly colored hair doesn't preclude me from doing my job properly." She kicked herself for opening her mouth; it was clear that Lupin was already nervous, and judging from the way he was fiddling with his tie again as he stared at the door, she'd just made it worse. She looked down guiltily as she set a hand on the doorknob. "But you'll be fine. You ready?"

He hesitated. "Er - one moment." He straightened his jacket then reached up to pull a hand through his hair, clearing his throat awkwardly. "Do I - erm - do I look alright? Presentable?" She looked up at him and realized for the first time that his brown eyes were actually rather nice, though they were clouded with worry at the moment. In fact, despite the greying hair and premature worry lines (how old was he actually, anyway?) and the fact that he was as far from her type as anyone could possibly be, she supposed he actually kind of had a cute face in an odd, unassuming sort of way.

"You look good," she replied, smiling. "Just one thing - here, bend over a bit…" He gave her a confused look, but complied and ducked his head towards her. She licked her thumb and forefinger and felt him jump as she attempted to flatten the small cowlick that stuck up on the back of his head. He chuckled once he realized what she was doing.

"Oh, I wouldn't even bother with that, it's no use. Been that way since I was about five." He straightened up again, giving her a small smile. "Only way to get rid of it would be to just do away with the hair entirely, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the bald look isn't quite for me. It's bad enough I'm already going grey."

"Hmm. Only one way to find out." She screwed up her face to concentrate on her morph, and opened her eyes to Lupin giving her a look of abject horror as he gazed upon her approximation of his bald self.

"That's...extremely disconcerting. Thank you for verifying that I shall have to invest in a wig if I ever start to go bald. And for providing fuel for my nightmares for weeks to come."

She morphed back to her regular appearance, grinning. She was glad to see he appeared slightly more relaxed now. "Happy to help. And you look good. Really, Macmillan's alright. Bit of a stiff but I don't think he's heartless. You'll be fine."

He nodded. "Okay. I'm ready to go in."

They entered the office. "Macmillan," Tonks called, "It's Auror Tonks here with Remus Lupin for his registration appointment."

A squat, bald man appeared from behind another door. "Ah. Yes, hello, right on time. This way, please." He disappeared back into the room he had come from.

"I don't think the bald look does him any favors either, so you're not the only one. And you're lucky enough to still have your hair," Tonks whispered. Lupin choked back a snort.

They entered the room as Macmillan produced a quill with a flourish from the heavy mahogany desk that was between them. "Looking as professional as ever today, Auror Tonks."

Tonks gave him a dirty look. "Let's just get this over with, alright, Macmillan?" She threw herself down in the chair next to Lupin, taking a drag of her coffee.

"Pleasure to meet you," Lupin said, extending a hand. Macmillan looked down at it for a moment with the slightest look of displeasure before taking a seat and turning his attention to the file folder at his desk. Lupin withdrew his hand as quickly as if he'd been burned, flushing. Tonks frowned; no wonder he'd seemed jittery when she shook his hand earlier.

"Visitors, especially visitors who fall within the sub-human category, are not allowed in the cafe," Macmillan mentioned, nodding at the tea Lupin had set on the desk in front of him.

Tonks' frown deepened. "I got it for him when I was getting my own coffee. I insisted, because I was making him wait for me. And stop talking as if he can't hear you, mate, didn't your mum teach you any manners? No need to use that kind of language."

"That language is the _official_ language put forth by our undersecretary -"

"Right, and I don't think I see Umbridge sitting here, unless she's under the desk? Or perhaps you've got her hidden in your folder there?" Macmillan rolled his eyes. "Wouldn't kill you to use his name, then?"

Macmillan heaved a sigh as he opened the file in front of him. "Very well. Let's get started then, _Mr. Lupin_. I'm going to ask you a series of questions, and I must inform you that you are legally mandated to give complete and honest answers. We will get your height, weight, and, if applicable, wand information after the interview. Date of birth?"

"March 10th, 1960."

"Parents' names?"

"Hope and Lyall Lupin."

"Blood status?"

"My mother was a Muggle."

"At what age were you bitten?"

"Four." Tonks looked over at Lupin, startled. He was concentrating on Macmillan's hand as he scrawled his answers across the parchment on the desk between them. So he'd spent most of his life as a werewolf, and he was so...pleasant. She had the rather nasty thought that she'd never _actually_ given much thought to werewolves outside of her job before, and that they were people with varying dispositions and life experiences, just like anyone else.

"Do you know the identity of the werewolf who bit you?"

"Fenrir Greyback."

Macmillan paused. "Mmm. Okay." He made a sharp note in the file. "When was the last time you spoke to Fenrir Greyback?"

Lupin stared at the clerk sitting across from him. "I've never...I've never _spoken_ to him."

"Last time you came into any sort of contact with him?"

"When I was four. When I was bitten."

"Have you ever attempted to seek him out?"

" _No._ " Lupin spat the word out.

"Right. Employment? Are you employed?"

"Er - up until Tuesday morning, I was."

"Where? And what was the nature of the employment?"

"Dishwasher at the Snickering Snitch."

"Cause of termination?"

Out of the corner of her eye, Tonks saw Lupin give the clerk an incredulous glance before his face quickly settled back into the mild-mannered expression he'd been wearing most of the morning. "They didn't take too kindly to realizing one of their employees was a werewolf."

"You mean you did not tell them beforehand?"

"When I got the job, I was not required to disclose my condition. It doesn't impact...I fulfilled all that was expected of me while at work. I just needed a job." His tone was desperate.

Macmillan gave him an appraising look. "Yes, well, I'm sure you're aware that the law has changed. You are now required to inform any potential employers of your condition before an employment offer is made."

"I am aware of that. May I set up an appointment with Werewolf Support Services after this interview? I must admit that I'm a bit worried about successfully finding gainful employment under these new laws."

"It shut down."

"Pardon?"

"Support services shut down," Macmillan said lazily, barely glancing up from his notes. "No funding. Or interest."

"How am I supposed to find a job, then?" Lupin looked stricken. "No one is going to hire me if they know what I am."

"Not my problem."

Tonks frowned. "Macmillan -"

"Auror Tonks, your job is to sit in on this appointment as the magical law enforcement liaison, and then to escort Mr. Lupin back out of the Ministry once we have concluded our interview today. I do not require your input on this." He ignored her glare as Tonks sat back in her chair with a huff. "May I continue? Alright, then. Current romantic and/or sexual partner?"

"Er - none," Lupin muttered, flushing slightly.

"When did you last have a sexual partner?"

Lupin shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "I...do I have to answer this?" Macmillan just looked at him, silently awaiting a response. "Fine. Erm - not for awhile."

"A more specific answer, please, Mr. Lupin."

" _Macmillan -"_ Tonks was trying to look anywhere but at the face of the man next to her but she could still tell he was flushing an even deeper red. She didn't remember this question being asked in the past interviews. "What does that have to do with -"

"Auror Tonks. If you cannot restrain yourself, I will send a memo up to the Auror department to request one of your colleagues come down to deal with this instead."

"No, don't do that," she muttered, imagining Louden sitting in on this.

"Then please refrain from interrupting me while I do my job." He cleared his throat. "Mr. Lupin? Last time you had a sexual partner?"

"Six years," Lupin replied quietly, looking up at the ceiling. Macmillan nodded, satisfied as he scribbled down the answer.

Macmillan continued to work through a battery of questions, each more invasive than the last. Tonks was wishing more and more that she didn't have to sit in on this appointment. The one last week had been easier because the other bloke had been such an _arsehole_ and while she still thought this whole process was utterly ridiculous, she'd had her hands full with just trying to get him to cooperate. But watching Lupin squirm only made her feel uncomfortable. She came to the troublesome realization that this was the first time she was realizing how truly humiliating this process was.

"Anything else you'd like to disclose, Mr. Lupin?"

"Yes." He hesitated only for a moment. "I was childhood friends with Sirius Black." Tonks looked up sharply from picking at a hangnail and saw that Macmillan looked as surprised as she was.

"What was that, Mr. Lupin?"

"I was childhood friends with Sirius Black," he repeated.

"That'll be...that's…" Macmillan frowned as he scribbled furiously in the file.

"I'm trying to be honest," Lupin said. His hands were clenched in his lap, knuckles white. "I've been summoned to the Ministry several times for...interviews regarding his case, but I wasn't sure if that information would make it to this office down here, so I wanted to bring it to your attention." Tonks realized that these 'interviews' were likely interrogations by the Auror department, and she suddenly wondered if this was how Kingsley knew him - he had seemed to hint at prior experience with interacting with Lupin when he first approached her this morning about accompanying him to this appointment.

"Right. And, erm - thank you. I'll - I'll note in your file that you willingly notified me." Macmillan seemed unsure of how to respond to one of his interview subjects being so forthcoming with potentially incriminating information. "Well, Mr. Lupin, I'll be honest too, then. The frequency of your wellness checks will likely increase, due to your association with both Fenrir Greyback and Sirius Black."

"I haven't seen or spoken to Black since before he went to Azkaban," Lupin replied quietly. "And I've already told you that Greyback isn't -"

"It's policy, Mr. Lupin."

Lupin nodded, Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed. "I - okay, I understand."

They were walking back down the hall to the lift after the interview concluded, and Tonks was casting about for something to say. Lupin hadn't said a word since they'd left the Registry, a well-used frown line appearing between his eyes.

"Sirius Black is my cousin," she blurted. She wasn't sure why she'd chosen to share that with him, of all people. He looked at her, surprise flashing through the carefully guarded look in his eyes.

"Oh. Yes, I did think your name sounded familiar. I'd guessed it was a surname." He smiled wanly. "Then your mother must be...you're Andromeda's daughter? Andromeda Black and...Ted Tonks, I believe it was?"

"I am, yeah." She shuffled her feet awkwardly as they waited for the lift. "It's - I was supposed to be on his case, here at work. The Black case. But they took me off it. Conflict of interest, even though I hadn't seen him since I was a little girl. Announced it in front of everybody during our department meeting, too. That we couldn't have the cousin of an escaped mass-murderer hunting down said mass-murderer, could we?" She couldn't hold back the bitterness that had crept into her tone. "Take that distrust and combine it with the fact that I'm a Metamorphmagus, and I'm pretty sure that a good bunch of the other Aurors think that I...well, I know it's nowhere near the same, and that's not what I'm trying to say at all, but I know a bit what it feels like to be distrusted for something that's beyond your control."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

She flushed. "You know what, that might've been insulting. I'm sorry, that's not the same as - I shouldn't have even said anything -"

"No, no, I appreciate that," he replied, more warmly this time. "I really am sorry you have to deal with that at work, I'd imagine it can't be easy. Thank you, Tonks. And - er - if that's your surname, what's your first name, anyway? If I may ask."

She grinned at him. "Now _that's_ information you will never be privy to. Also wait - d'you know my mother, then?"

"I met her once or twice back when I was in school," he said with a vague wave of his hand. "Sirius took us to visit." He gave her a small smile. "She seemed like a nice woman. Nice enough that I'm rather surprised she condemned you to a life of avoiding even the slightest utterance of your first name. It cannot truly be so bad, can it?"

"You have no idea. And it'll remain that way."

He hummed thoughtfully. "Dorcas?"

"Ew, no," she laughed, shuddering.

"See? It can't be so bad then, can it?"

"Easy for you to say, Remus Lupin. Your entire name has the same number of syllables as just my first name does."

"Hmm, interesting. Theodora, perhaps?" She glowered at him, and his face fell slightly for a second as he misread her reaction. "It's not...is it? Oh, I'm sorry. Theodora's...erm...that's a perfectly pleasant -"

"No, it's not Theodora," she replied, rolling her eyes as she pressed the button in the lift to take them back to the Atrium. "You were scarily close though, I will give you that."

"Hmm...which part is close? The Theo or the Dora?" He smiled at her, the first real one since they had left the office of the Registry.

"Nice try, Lupin, but a witch never reveals her secrets," she said. They were back near the visitor's entrance of the Atrium now; he turned to extend a hand to her.

"It was very nice to meet you today, Auror Tonks," he said.

She shook his hand firmly. "And you, Lupin. Erm...good luck out there, alright?" She winced as the words left her mouth. What on earth did that even mean? But he grinned at her as he released her hand, exhaling a slight chuckle.

"Thank you, I'll certainly need it." With a small nod of his head, he turned and made his way to the security desk. She stood watching him for a second, a small battle raging in her mind. He'd already turned in his visitor's badge and was nearly to the exit when she called out.

"Mr. Lupin, wait." He turned on his heel, looking surprised as she strode towards him. "I just have one more question I'll need to ask you before you leave."

"What is it?" He looked concerned. She glanced over her shoulder, then when she was convinced no one was minding them, she grasped his elbow and pulled him closer to the wall, where they were slightly sheltered by a pillar. She crossed her arms, trying to make it look as if she was having a stern word as she looked up at him.

"Look, I have a cousin on my dad's side. Muggle. He owns a bar in Islington, and he'll hire people under the table," she said in a low voice. "You don't need to bother with all those Muggle documents or anything. I know it's a bit shady, but he's a good bloke. Doesn't ask questions. You'd have to deal with Muggle currency, but if you need a job…" she trailed off as his eyes widened. She knew that _he_ knew that the suggestion she'd left hanging in the air just now was very much illegal.

"I…" he swallowed, brows knitting together in a frown as he looked away from her. When he met her eyes again, his face was carefully guarded. "Thank you for the offer, but I will have to respectfully decline."

She chewed her lip. "I promise I'm just trying to help."

"No, I really do appreciate it," he replied, giving her a small smile. "And I've appreciated all your help today, truly. Goodbye, Auror Tonks." And with that, he turned on his heel again and disappeared through the visitor's exit without so much as a backwards glance.

She sighed. What had she expected? Of course he wouldn't trust her, he probably thought she was setting him up. What had come over her, anyway? She knew that if anyone had heard what she was offering him, it'd be her job at risk. She scuffed her boot against the wall with a frustrated huff before striding back towards the lifts.

The Sirius Black meeting must have adjourned, as she passed a stream of Aurors on her way back to her desk. Kingsley was perched on the edge of her desk.

"I got you this," he said, holding out a steaming cup, "since you said you hadn't had coffee yet today, but I see you've already made time for the cafeteria." He smirked at the paper cup she was already holding in her hand.

"I'll take it, almost done with this one anyway," she muttered, snatching it from his hands.

"Be careful, your astoundingly good mood this morning is contagious. How was Lupin's interview?"

"Alright." She took a sip of the fresh coffee, wincing as it scalded her tongue. "Aside from Macmillan being an absolute arsehole. More than usual, if you can believe it."

Kingsley hummed sympathetically. "That's saying something."

"And it's...I dunno, those interviews are really something. Each time I sit in on one they've added some other inane question that shouldn't be the Ministry's business. How are we going to gain werewolves' trust and cooperation if we just humiliate them as soon as we've got them here?"

"You know the Ministry isn't exactly trying to gain their cooperation, Tonks. They just want to keep tabs on them."

"Right. I just - yeah, you're right. I dunno. The whole thing was just weird. I felt weird about it." Kingsley was watching her closely, and she turned away as she took another sip of coffee, pretending to occupy herself with a memo that was laying across the pile of folders on her desk.

"Lupin give you any trouble?"

"No, you were right. Nice enough bloke."

Kingsley nodded, rapping her desk sharply with a knuckle before hopping back on his feet. "Hope you took it easy on him. Thanks again." He shot her a grin over his shoulder as he retreated back to his own cubicle.

"Mmn."

* * *

One particularly dreary morning, Tonks found herself in possession of a file folder whose directions led her to a small ramshackle cottage in Wales. She stood on the front steps, hesitating for only a moment. Seven in the morning was far too early by _her_ standards, let alone for someone who'd spent the entire night before as a wolf; she felt rather impolite as she knocked. But knock she did; she had a job to do, after all.

She heard the latch slide, then Remus Lupin's pale face appeared as the door cracked open, surprise warring with exhaustion on his features as he blearily took in the Auror on his doorstep. "Ms. Tonks."

"How'd you know it was me?" He stared at her blankly for a moment, bloodshot eyes flickering up to her hair, which was her usual pink today. "Sorry, I know. The hair. Bad joke."

"Ah." She wasn't sure if the raspy noise that escaped his throat was a groan or a chuckle. "Nice to see you again. Sorry it took me a moment to get to the door."

She cleared her throat as she held up the file folder she was holding. "Oh, not a worry. I, er...I'm here for the post-moon check-in. I've been assigned to ask you a few questions. For the Registry." His eyes looked bruised and his hair was sticking up all over the place; it looked as if he had just woken up, but Tonks had a feeling he had not yet been to sleep. "It'll be quick, I promise."

"Right. Sorry, come on in. I just...I forgot. I'm not used to such frequent check-ins anymore, and I didn't think anyone would actually be by. Sorry." He opened the door wider, welcoming her into the cottage. He was wearing a pair of joggers and a threadbare baggy jumper; though he'd pulled the sleeves down and had the ends bunched in his fists, she could tell that his hands were wrapped in bandages. He led her over to a table in the kitchen area, limping slightly. He winced as he saw her eyes alight on the pile of bloody cloths on one end of the table. "Sorry," he muttered again, "I'll just -" He held out his wand to clear them.

"No, wait. Leave them." He gave her a questioning look. "I need to...erm...I'll need to do a blood test. I'll need the blood from those."

He blinked. "A blood test?"

"It's a new policy. To make sure...er…" she swallowed. "I need to do a blood test to make sure it's just...it's just your own blood here."

He stared at her for a moment. "Right." He heaved a sigh before shuffling back over to the counter. "Can I get you a cup of tea?"

"Only if you're already putting on the kettle."

"I was just about to make another for myself," he replied. "Earl Grey alright?"

Did he ever drink anything else? "That's perfect, thanks."

"I've only got bags, sorry."

That made the fifth time he had apologized in the two or three minutes since she'd appeared on his front step. Tonks' stomach squirmed with the thought that her presence was making him nervous. "That's perfectly fine. Erm - I can get it, if you'd like? So you can sit back down?" She was alarmed to see that he was leaning against the counter as if it were the only thing keeping him upright.

"That's kind of you, but I've got it. Thank you." He tapped his wand to the kettle, pulling a tea bag out of what appeared to be a nearly empty tin before dropping it into one of the mugs he'd summoned. Into the other, she saw him plop what looked to be an already used teabag that had been resting on a saucer on the countertop.

"Here you are," he said, setting down the mug containing the fresh teabag in front of her. "I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't have milk or sugar at the moment, but…" Another apology.

"Oh, I take mine without, anyway," she lied quickly. "Thank you for the tea." She took a nervous gulp, nearly scalding the roof of her mouth as she pulled a quill out of her bag. Musty orange. This tea really would be better with milk, but there was no way she'd complain about that right now. "Erm - I just have to ask you a few questions. We can make this quick, I know you must want to get to bed."

"That's alright. Ask away," he replied wearily.

"You transformed here last night?"

"Yes."

"You were here alone?"

"Yes."

"Okay. And...and how was it?" She felt stupid as soon as the words left her mouth. That question was not from the list of Ministry-provided questions she was supposed to ask. _Of course it was bad, how else could it have gone?_ she chided herself.

Surprisingly, he chuckled. "I've had worse." He lifted his mug to take a sip of his tea, and her eyes fell upon the bandages again as his sleeve fell back.

"I…" she swallowed. "You know, I have some experience fixing up cuts and bruises. If you...are you...d'you need help? With anything?"

He raised an eyebrow, giving a slight nod to the parchment in front of her. "Is that a question you're required by the Ministry to ask me?"

She flushed. "No. It's just...erm..." She gestured at him. "Alright, I'll say it. You look like shit."

He gave her a crooked smile. "You sure know how to stroke a man's ego."

She let out a snort of laughter before she could stop herself. "Oh, you know that's not what I meant. Sorry."

Lupin's face softened. "I know, Tonks. I'm okay though, thank you. I - er - patched everything up just before you got here." He sighed, taking another sip of his tea and wincing slightly as he set the mug back down on the table with a shaky hand. "Forgive me for saying so, but these 'wellness checks' have historically not exactly had _my_ wellness in mind. I would have been surprised if the new regulations were mandating Aurors to help werewolves bandage up after each full moon."

"I - yeah, I can imagine."

"I know you are not in charge of drafting up these orders, of course," he added hastily. "Sorry. I know you're just doing your job."

She felt another twinge of guilt. It was starting to get annoying. She didn't like feeling guilty; she always feared it would cloud her judgment. "There's no need to apologize. One last question - do you take the Wolfsbane potion?"

She could tell he was struggling to contain the bitter look that passed across his face. "No. It's hard to get a hold of, and the ingredients are rather expensive." He gave her a small smile now. "And even if I had access to the ingredients, I must admit that I am absolutely abysmal at potions and would likely poison myself if I attempted a home brew."

"Yeah, well, no one's perfect, right?" she replied, returning his smile. "Alright, that's it for the questions. Now speaking of potions, I just need…" She rummaged through her bag, pulling out the blood testing vial and peering at the clear viscous liquid within. "Right," she muttered, "I'll need...well, I'll take the blood from those rags then. That's what you used to clean up after...after you transformed back?" He nodded, eyeing the bottle in her hand with an odd look on his face. "Then I'll need...erm...I'll just need some of your blood. Er...freshly drawn. To compare. The potion will...the potion will turn blue if it's a positive match. If it's all your blood here." She swallowed, avoiding his eyes. "If there's animal blood, it'll turn purple. And it'll turn red if...if there's another human's blood present."

"I didn't hurt anyone." He said it so quietly that she almost didn't hear him.

"I - I know. I just…"

"I always put up several protective barriers, and I transform inside. The barriers are quite strong, but just to be sure I...I usually break my foot before I transform. So that I can't...so that I stay put. Relatively. I promise it was just me here last night. I wouldn't have come into contact with any humans." It almost sounded as if he was trying to convince himself just as much as he was trying to convince her that he'd taken all the precautions he should have.

She stared at him in horror. He _broke_ his foot? On purpose? That would explain the limp.

"Sorry. You're just doing your job." He kept saying this as if it was meant to reassure her, but she couldn't help but feel less and less sure of herself each time he said it. It was true, she _was_ just doing her job. A job that had been her ultimate goal, a job she had worked towards all through school, a job she had always been proud of. So why did she suddenly feel so full of doubt?

"I know you didn't - I'm sorry, I…" she wasn't sure what to say. She looked down at the blood test instructions again. _The assigned Auror is to instruct the werewolf that each month, it must wait to clean up any blood or bodily fluids that may belong to a potential victim until the assigned Auror has arrived to conduct the post-transformation interview and blood test._

Nymphadora Tonks was not one to doubt herself very often. Sure, there were moments and situations of moral ambiguity that cropped up every so often - a hazard of the career she had chosen. She'd always prided herself on her ability to suss out whatever solution resided in that grey area between right and wrong; whichever solution would benefit the most people, do the most good, avoid the most harm. The greater good. They were always fighting for a greater good. But...were they? How could she be so certain? Maybe it wasn't as simple as she'd always wished it to be. Sure, everything she'd always been taught about werewolves was screaming at her that this was all to keep others safe. These regulations were to keep children safe. But the man sitting across from her had just given her one of his last teabags and he kept apologizing as if he was more worried about _her_ comfort in this situation, even though she clearly held the upper hand in whatever weird power dynamic was at play here. Was this actually keeping anyone safe?

His sigh cut through her thoughts, deep and weary. "Alright." He took his wand and held it against his palm. "Ready?"

She stared at him. "What?" _Ignorantia juris neminem excusat. Ignorance of the rules is no excuse._ The Ministry's motto. _Ignorantia juris neminem excusat._ Rules existed for a reason. They were there to help people. Weren't they?

He gestured to the potion bottle she was holding. "You said you needed my blood. I am assuming a few drops will suffice but please let me know if that is not the case. Are you ready? Although if you'd prefer it, I can hold the vial so that you don't risk any contact with my blood."

"I…" She looked back down at the potion. _Ignorantia juris neminem excusat._ "No, you know what? We're not doing this. Never mind." She stuffed the potion bottle back into her bag.

"But I want it marked in my file that I haven't hurt anyone. If - if that's what's necessary, I -"

"I know. I have to sign off on the paperwork. I'm just going to sign off and say that we did the blood test. All it needs is my sign-off. We are supposed to dispose of the vial anyway once it's completed, due to 'contamination risk.' I believe you." He was staring at her. "Sorry, I just...I'm sorry. I didn't realize how...alright, I know I'm going to sound ignorant now, but I never realized how bad all this really is. This is really...dehumanizing. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. It didn't used to be this bad." Another reassurance that only served to make her feel worse.

"No, this is bullshit. I'm sitting here drinking your tea and then I'm supposed to have you slice your hand open for me? No. _Merlin_. The Registry can stuff it." She circled BLOOD MATCH POSITIVE - NO FURTHER ACTION REQUIRED, then signed her initials with a slightly more violent jerk of the quill than was necessary. She pushed the parchment toward him, so that he could verify that she'd signed what she said she would. "See, right there - I've signed off on it. We're all set. You're all set."

"Okay, thank you." He still looked troubled, though his shoulders had relaxed slightly. "If this is going to cause you any trouble at work, I don't want...I can just -"

"Nope. It's fine. You want to talk about me risking my job, I knocked over an entire shelf of evidence from a Felix Felicis smuggling bust the other day." She grinned at him. "If they didn't sack me for _that_ , I'd say I'm golden."

He chuckled. "A shame you didn't manage to down some of the evidence before destroying it all."

"I don't think even liquid luck could save anything fragile from my body's complete lack of awareness of its own center of gravity. Hopeless, really." She shuffled the parchment into her bag, draining the rest of her tea. "Anyway, I've wasted enough of your time. I'll head back to file this with the Registry, and you should get some sleep, alright?"

He pushed back from the table with a slight grimace as she stood. "I'll walk you to the door."

She noticed he was still limping. "Is your foot…?"

"It's alright," he replied. "I've reset the bone, it just takes a little while to fully heal. It should be fine in a couple of hours."

"Alright, if you say so. Merlin, this weather is grim. Hope these walls are thick. Or that you've got a humongous pile of blankets somewhere in here." She shivered slightly as a draft blew through the doorway, then stuck out her hand as she turned to face him on the threshold. "Nice seeing you again, Lupin. I'll likely see you next month."

"I look forward to it," he replied, returning her handshake rather weakly.

"I think that may have been facetious, but I'll forgive you."

"Not necessarily facetious," he replied with a small smile. "I'm rather curious to know if you _always_ choose wear your hair pink or if I've simply lucked out twice now. Goodbye, Tonks." Before she could even fathom what that could possibly mean, the door shut firmly behind her and Tonks headed down the cracked stone path in the front garden, clutching her satchel tightly. What an odd man. Perfectly polite, and perhaps in possession of a sharper sense of humor than she would have originally ascribed to him. But he was so hard to read, and Tonks had always considered herself good at reading others. She couldn't quite get a read on him, and she found it rather off-putting.

The following few weeks, she didn't give him much more thought. And so she couldn't explain the odd sense of disappointment she experienced when Kingsley showed up at her desk the afternoon of the next full moon to notify her that she was due at the office first thing in the morning for a meeting some arsehole somewhere had decided should be far too early.

"I have that check-in with Remus Lupin tomorrow morning. For the Registry."

"I know, that's why I'm here. Scrimgeour really wants you there tomorrow since you were the last Auror to handle our informant on the Demiguise smuggling case. I'll be going to Lupin's instead. Do you have his file?"

"Yeah, let me find it." She rummaged around in her desk drawer, producing the folder after a minute or two. "Hold on a second. Take this, too." She dug out a small parcel and handed it to Kingsley, who frowned slightly as he folded back the wrapping.

"Is this tea? Why -"

"Poor sod was reusing his tea bags when I was there. He used one of his last fresh ones on me while he drank what I'm sure tasted like old dishwater, so I owe him some tea leaves." Kingsley didn't respond, he just arched an eyebrow. "Look, Kingsley, just bring him the fucking tea, alright?"

He held up his hands defensively. "I never said I wouldn't. Do you have the blood test potion?"

"What?"

He gestured vaguely, folder in hand. "It says here that we need to administer a blood test before we can sign off on all the paperwork. Do you have one with you? If not, I suppose I can run down to Level 4 at some point today to snag one, but I'd love to avoid that trip if I can manage it. I still owe Dagwood that report on the banshee incident in Cardiff last week and I've been avoiding him like mad."

"Oh...yeah. I mean, technically...yeah, here. I have it." She dug the vial out of her bottom drawer, handing it to her colleague. He gave her another odd look.

"You...did administer this test last time, didn't you?"

"Yeah, of course I did," she said a bit too quickly, avoiding his eyes as she fiddled with her coffee cup. She heard him sigh softly.

"Tonks…"

"What are we doing here, Kingsley?" she said abruptly.

"You mean, aside from discussing the fact that you're definitely breaking some sort of regulation or ethics code by providing a tin of tea to a werewolf you've been assigned to check up on?"

"Didn't realize being a decent person was forbidden at the Ministry now," she snapped, then lowered her voice as she continued. "I mean, in general. Here at the Ministry, Kingsley. What are we doing? We're supposed to be helping people and keeping them safe, right? Every day, I'm feeling more and more like it's getting harder to do that. I don't...this kind of bullshit is not what I signed up for." She gestured at the vial he was holding.

"I know. But look, Tonks. The Ministry _needs_ people like you. It's a good job we _do_ have you."

"What do you mean, people like me?"

He was watching her closely. "People who still care. Who want to help. People who are willing to take risks to do the right thing." He looked like he wanted to say something else, but then suddenly straightened up from where he'd been leaning against the wall of her cubicle and gave her shoulder a small squeeze. "I'll be sure to give Lupin the tea. See you tomorrow, Tonks. Don't stay too late."

"Take it easy, Kingsley." As he left her cubicle, she couldn't help but feel slightly uneasy. It'd almost felt as if Kingsley knew something she didn't. Maybe she shouldn't have said that stuff about the Ministry. Then again, Kingsley had never given her any reason not to trust him - in fact, he was probably the one person in the entire Ministry that she trusted wholeheartedly.

She could almost hear Mad-Eye's voice in her head. _Trust no one._ The more she tried to quell these feelings of doubt and dissatisfaction with her job, the stronger they bubbled up. But for her own sake, maybe she should just keep her head down and keep going about business as usual. Though keeping her head down was never something that had come quite easily to Tonks.

* * *

Tonks stifled a yawn as she followed Mad-Eye into the grimy, imposing-looking house that had just appeared before their eyes. She made a mental note to ask about the creepy house-elf heads that were mounted on the wall in the dark entryway - those couldn't be real, could they? - but kept silent as she followed Mad-Eye and Kingsley through the musty hallway to a flight of stairs that led downward.

She couldn't believe it was only that morning that Mad-Eye and Kingsley had appeared outside her flat at the crack of dawn, inviting themselves in rather rudely ("Er - I'm a bit underdressed at the mo', just woke up and all - it's not even 5am, see - can I at least change before we do whatever the fuck this is?", to which Moody has snapped that there was no time and shoved past her into her own flat) and helped themselves to her coffee (again, rather rude) as they explained to her - perhaps a little too casually, she thought - that she was being recruited for the revival of the Order of the Phoenix, if she believed Harry Potter and Dumbledore regarding Voldemort's return and was equally willing to put everything on the line to fight for what she believed in. It wasn't even a question - of course she was willing. She'd felt a slight sense of relief that Kingsley's caginess regarding the doubts she'd been expressing to him regarding the Ministry's intentions was for a good reason, and nothing that involved her being forced to turn in her Auror's badge.

The rest of the day at work had passed equal parts blurrily quick and agonizingly slow. She had to admit that while she was excited about the whole thing, what she was most anticipating was being reunited with Sirius Black. Oh, mum would be _gobsmacked_ whenever Tonks would be allowed to tell her that her favorite cousin was, in fact, innocent. She wondered what he looked like; her memories of her cousin were rather faded and blurry around the edges, and the Ministry photographs of the sunken-eyed fugitive never quite slotted in with what she thought she _did_ remember of him, leaving a vague, faceless man to be conjured in her brain whenever she heard his name.

She didn't have to wonder for long. "Is _that_ our little Nymphadora?" They'd stepped into a dim, cavernous basement kitchen, and she'd barely had a chance to look around before her gaze settled on the dark-haired man before her. Though he certainly showed striking signs of someone who'd spent the better part of the last fifteen years in Azkaban, she was relieved to see a hint of the friendly gleam she remembered from their youth reflected in his dark eyes.

She swallowed, feeling as if she was glued to the spot. "Nice to see you, Sirius. But I must insist you _never_ call me by that name again or I will send you straight back to Azkaban."

He stared at her for just a moment, then with a barking laugh, covered the distance between them with only a few long strides and pulled her into a crushing hug. "Just as feisty as I remember." He pulled back, holding her at arm's length while he inspected her, a wistful look on his face. "Blimey, I can't believe you're all grown. I remember you when you were just a little sprog. And here you are now, a proper young woman. Can hardly believe it."

She rolled her eyes, though she was grinning. "Same old sprog at heart, though, don't you worry. And I don't know that I'd describe myself as proper, but glad you think so." She took a deep breath. "It really is good to see you, Sirius."

"You'll have to stay after tonight's meeting for a drink, I want to hear everything about you. We have so much to catch up on."

All she could do was nod. "Yeah - yeah, I can stay for a drink."

"Excellent. Then you should likely meet the other worryingly regular inhabitant of this dingy old basement, he'll be grateful there's someone else to keep me entertained for an evening. Oi, Moony, get your scrawny arse over here," he called over his shoulder before turning back to her. "That's my best mate, Remus -"

"Lupin?" she asked, catching sight of the man sitting at the table behind Sirius. He grinned at her, pushing back out of his chair to come over and shake her hand.

"Nice to see you again, _Nymphadora_."

"Oi. What'd I say about my first name?"

"I believe all you said was that I'd never be privy to that information, but thankfully, Sirius' voice carries," he replied with a slight smirk. "And speaking of first names, you can just call me Remus, if you'd like."

"Wait, how d'you two know each other?" Sirius asked curiously.

Tonks narrowed her eyes suspiciously as Kingsley filed past her to take a seat on the table, clapping Remus on the shoulder by way of greeting as he passed. "Wait - how long - did you know I was being recruited into the Order? All those times I came by for check-ins? That time Kingsley went instead of me -"

He smiled. "Kingsley might have mentioned in passing that he had a fresh young Auror in mind, in case we found ourselves in the situation of needing to reinstate the Order and recruit new members."

"Were you _vetting_ me all that time?" she asked incredulously.

"I wouldn't call it vetting as much as I would say we were getting to know each other a little better over tea and incredibly invasive questions courtesy of Dolores Umbridge, but Kingsley and Mad-Eye did ask me to give my opinion of you."

"Wait, _Tonks_ is the Auror who was always bringing you tea?" Sirius cut in suddenly. A slight flush appeared on Remus' face for some reason.

Now it was her turn to grin. "I would have brought some more if I knew you were going to be here. If I'd known that each time we talked I was, in fact, undergoing a _personality assessment_ for a clandestine resistance organization."

"Which you obviously passed with flying colors," Remus replied. "Not to worry, we've plenty of tea here, Molly - Molly Weasley, you'll meet her soon, she should be here any minute now - she keeps a well-stocked kitchen. Likely the best stocked kitchen in all of Britain. Maybe you can stay for a cup after the meeting."

"I already invited her to stay for a drink, Moony, we've lots to catch up on. But I had something slightly stronger in mind. Boring old sod, this one," Sirius said to Tonks, ignoring Remus' eye roll as he slapped his friend on the back.

Her first Order meeting passed by in a blur. She was surrounded by many faces, some familiar, several new. She propped herself up on an elbow as Mad-Eye called out the agenda items from the head of the table. At one point, she found herself watching Remus curiously as he gave an update on a group of werewolves near Glasgow that he'd apparently been keeping tabs on. He spoke with a quiet self-assurance, and she could tell from the way the rest of the Order members were listening raptly that he was well-respected within the organization. She shouldn't have been surprised; though he'd always been rather guarded whenever she'd spoke with him during his check-ins, she had caught clear glimpses of sharp intelligence and what she thought could potentially be a rather witty sense of humor. Still, she was struck by the difference between the way he carried himself in this warm, crowded kitchen and the polite wariness she'd encountered that first time she met him at the Ministry. Even Sirius, who'd looked bored and who'd been spinning his wand in a rather irritating fashion on the table before him throughout most of the evening, was now paying close attention as his friend spoke.

Though she'd spoken with him several times now, she didn't know him, not really. She was most excited to better reacquaint herself with her cousin, but now she found herself wanting to know more about the quieter man sitting next to him at the table, too. It still niggled at her brain that he was so hard to read.

"Tea?" The meeting had adjourned; most of its attendees had filtered out or were slowly making their way to the door, lost in conversation with one another. Remus was smiling at her over the bottle of Firewhiskey Sirius had set down on the table in front of him, a bottle which he was steadfastly ignoring. She grinned back.

"Sure."


	2. Chapter 2

" _Shit._ "

Tonks just barely managed to catch herself before she went crashing to the floor after tripping over the stupid troll's leg umbrella stand. Why was this fucking thing still in the hallway? She could have sworn she'd moved it a million times now and it somehow always managed to find its way under her foot. Still, she was thankful that she'd at least managed to avoid awakening Mrs. Black's portrait this time around; she didn't even want to try to explain to Sirius and whoever else might be staying the night at headquarters why she was here at half past two in the morning. She didn't even quite know herself, she just knew that she hadn't wanted to go back to her empty flat alone after such a shitty day.

She crept down the stairs to the kitchen, murmuring a quiet _lumos_ to light her way. Managing to make it down the stairs in one piece, she gave a little celebratory dance before making a beeline to the cupboard. She'd been thinking about Molly's biscuits since the moment she left the club, and she could hardly wait to -

"They're gone, sorry."

Tonks' heart leapt into her throat as she whirled around with a small yelp, wand levelled at the person sitting quietly at the kitchen table, their head propped up on an elbow. She rolled her eyes when she realized who it was.

"What the _fuck_ , Remus?" she hissed. "I almost hexed you - also why are you sitting alone in the dark? It's bloody creepy." She gave a wave of her wand and the torches on the walls flared with flame.

"Hello, Nymphadora." Remus winced as the light shone through the kitchen, throwing into sharp relief the shadows under his eyes. "Rather unable to sleep and I've a bit of a headache." Oh. Right. The full moon was in two days. "I wasn't trying to scare you, I'm sorry. I - er - assumed no one else would come into the kitchen considering the hour, to be quite honest."

"Sorry," she muttered hastily, waving her wand again so that the light dimmed, leaving just enough of a gentle glow that she could make her way to the table without breaking her neck. She heaved herself into the chair across from him. "And don't call me Nymphadora, I've told you that. Are you alright? Can I get you anything?"

He waved a dismissive hand. "No, no, I'm fine. Just got bored of laying in bed and staring at the ceiling after an hour or two, so I came down here to stare at a different ceiling instead." He gave her a small smile. "May I ask why _you're_ here? I know the allure of Molly's leftovers is quite strong, but I assume there was plenty of greasy fare near your flat that's more apt to ending a night out than in this dingy corner of London."

She grimaced. "I did go out with the goal of getting sloshed tonight but I'm barely even tipsy, honestly. It was just...I dunno. It was a weird night. Today was a weird day. I feel weird."

"Don't say that about yourself, I think your hair is fetching."

She scowled at him. "Git. I'm not _talking_ about my hair, thank you very much. I just mean...I didn't want to go home, but I don't even know why I'm here. It's stupid." She picked at a splinter on the table, suddenly feeling slightly self-conscious. She'd been working with Remus one-on-one a lot more lately, and while they got on well and she thought him actually quite funny, she realized she still didn't quite know what he thought of _her_. Still, there was something oddly comforting about his presence.

His expression softened. "Well, since I may or may not be responsible for the disappearance of the rest of Molly's biscuits, can I make you some tea, at least? And I'll see if I can scrummage up another snack for you in the pantry."

"Only if it's not too much trouble."

"Not at all. I was about to make some myself." He got up, stretching for a moment before heading over to put the kettle on the hob. She noticed that he often prepared tea the Muggle way, rather than just using a spell; for some reason she found it oddly charming. He turned around to face her, leaning back on the counter with his elbows while he waited for the kettle to boil. His hair was tousled from sleep, but he was wearing the same jumper and trousers he'd been wearing at the meeting earlier that evening, though they looked similarly rumpled.

"You just sleep fully clothed like that, then? So you're ready at a moment's notice in case a Death Eater comes bursting into your room in the middle of the night?"

He chuckled. "I do like to consider myself vigilant, but not quite to that level. Don't say anything in front of Alastor or he'll make it Order protocol to sleep in trousers, robes, shoes and all. I can't say it'd be too comfortable."

"Right. D'you sleep starkers, then?"

He flushed. "Er - no, I do own pyjamas, Tonks. Molly saw me in my sleepwear one night and has been offering to patch them up ever since, and I don't think I could look her in the eye over dinner after she's been handling my tatty old pyjama bottoms. So I've taken to putting on proper trousers if I'm leaving my bedroom in the middle of the night, I can never keep track of who's in this house."

She choked back a laugh. "Right, I can see how that'd be traumatizing. Fair enough." She paused. "I mean, I wasn't saying there's anything _wrong_ with sleeping starkers if that's how you sleep, by the way. It's how I usually sleep."

She could have sworn his blush deepened. "I wake up on the cellar floor cold and naked once a month. That about gives me my fill of sleeping in the nude, if I'm being quite honest."

She cringed. How did she always manage to say the wrong thing? "Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking -"

"It's alright," he reassured her, shooting her a quick smile as he turned around to lift the whistling kettle. "I didn't mean it to come out sounding like that. It's not that dire." He poured the boiling water into two cups. "Sorry. I should warn you that I'm not much fun to be around as it gets closer to the full moon, I can get rather gloomy. Sirius calls it my 'pre-moon syndrome,' says I'm more prattish than usual. Anyway, in all honesty, I just get too cold. As I'm sure you've noticed, this house is rather drafty. There are some nights I'm tempted to go to sleep wearing my entire wardrobe." He started rummaging in one of the cupboards, pulling out a packet of digestives with a victorious shake. "Not Molly's biscuits, but these will do. Here you are." He set a steaming cup of tea down in front of her. Earl Grey again. She hadn't the heart to tell him she preferred her tea a bit stronger and sweeter, not when he was willing to fix her tea in the middle of the night in this dingy kitchen.

"You know, if it were anyone else I'd advise keeping your mouth shut, but you should tell Molly you finished off the food she left. She's always trying to fatten you up, she'll be thrilled."

He laughed. "To be honest, there weren't too many left by the time I got to them, I think Sirius had quite a few before he headed off to bed. He told me to finish them off and I'd be doing him a favor, as he's trying to 'watch his girlish figure,' in his words." He rolled his eyes, then took his seat across from her again, fixing her with a concerned expression. "So, Nymphadora. Are you alright? You said you'd had a weird day. I apologize for teasing earlier."

"It's Tonks, Remus. And no, it's fine," she replied. "Work was just...well, it was work. Not much to say about that aside from the fact that everyone at the Ministry's driving me bonkers these days. And then I went out with friends to let off some steam and it was supposed to be fun and it just…wasn't. I don't..." she trailed off. "Sorry, I'm sure you don't want to hear about this."

"No, I do," he replied earnestly. "Only if you're comfortable sharing with me, though, of course."

"Of course I am. I just...I don't know." She sighed. "I guess I feel like I barely have anything in common with them anymore. All my time is spent wrapped up in work and the Order and then when I do have any free time, it's still spent thinking about work and the Order and…I don't know. I expected we'd all grow apart a bit after school ended anyway, but I can't really talk to them about my life now, not _really_ , and it just feels odd."

He was watching her carefully. "It very much makes sense that you're feeling that way. I'm sorry you're going through that, though. You're young and it must be difficult to already have this much weight put upon your shoulders."

"I mean, I wouldn't have it any other way, that's the thing. I _know_ myself, I know what I'm doing. I'm doing what I want to be doing. It makes sense, and I wouldn't change anything. But it still bothers me."

"Something can be logical and still be sad. And it is perfectly normal to be bothered by that."

"Yes, I suppose that's true." She took a sip of her tea. "You joined the Order right out of school, didn't you? When you were eighteen?"

"I did. But all my closest friends were in the Order." He hesitated. "It was...really all I had, anyway. I think perhaps that made it easier for me. Sirius, James, Lily, and even Peter. They were all I had. I tried to find jobs here and there, of course, but as you'd imagine I didn't have much luck holding anything down, so it was easy for me to just throw everything into the work I was doing for the Order. And when I did see my friends, I didn't have to hide as much." He opened the packet of biscuits, holding it out to her. "I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to be hiding your real life away from friends you're so close with."

She sighed as she grabbed a digestive. "I'm not close with them anymore, not really. And this is going to make me sound like an arsehole, so you have to promise not to judge, but…"

"I would never think that of you. Go on," he replied kindly.

"I resent them, too," she said, dunking the biscuit into her tea. "I feel almost...angry with them. I just...I know they have stuff to worry about, too, but I think they're buying into the Ministry's bullshit about Voldemort and they don't think there's any reason to worry and I just...I _worry_ for them and yet I envy them, too. I envy their ignorance. That they can still just go out and party like nothing is happening in our world."

"That certainly does not make you an arsehole. I would feel the same way."

"And what's most worrisome," she mumbled around a mouthful of biscuit, "is that the whole time I was at the club, I rather wished I had just stayed here to have some firewhiskey and play Exploding Snap with you and Sirius, like I had originally planned."

He laughed. "That really is most frightening of all. We always enjoy having you here, of course, but you should never worry about keeping us dusty old dinosaurs entertained, Tonks."

"Oh, stop talking as if you're eighty years old. You two are cracking company. I mean that I have fun talking with you, is all." She paused, swallowing her mouthful of biscuit. "I also - er - ran into an ex at the club. Which just topped off an already weird night in the most awkward fashion."

"That would indeed do it. I'm sorry to hear that. Was it a recent breakup?"

She shook her head. "No, awhile before I joined the Order. We had dated a bit off and on right after school, but I was going through Auror training and she was training to be a Healer and it was just...I dunno. We got on well, but we just kind of kept growing apart, and that was that. We were both so busy and I think we just wanted different things out of life. We agreed we'd be better as friends but of course, we've barely spoken since. And I do miss her as a friend, but I think the time for that's passed. I think it was just weird because it reminds me of a different time in my life. Before all this happened. The war, I mean." She took a sip of her tea, suddenly feeling a bit embarrassed that she was unloading all of this to Remus; surely he did not want to hear about her love life. But there was just something about him that made her feel as if she could tell him anything; he was always so good at listening. Right now, for example, he was watching her with the same expression that he usually wore during Order meetings - raptly attentive, as if her silly little stories were the only thing he wanted to focus on right now. "Anyway, it was fine; it was just awkward, you know? We said hello and how are you and, oh, we must catch up sometime soon, all that bullshit. Knowing fully well that we won't ever catch up soon until the next time we awkwardly run into each other. You know how it is. Anyway, enough about me. Go on, tell me an awfully awkward story about your love life and commiserate with me."

"You mean, aside from the fact that I can hardly walk a block down the street before I'm accosted by one of my hundreds of ex-lovers?" He chuckled. "I - er - have not had much of a love life, I'm afraid. No, really," he added as Tonks scoffed. "And what little I do have is rather boring. One of the hazards of being a dark -"

"I swear, if you say 'dark creature', I will hex you. No talking about yourself like that, I hate it when you do that."

He gave her a small smile. "If you say so."

"I _do_ say so. Sirius is right, you are more of a prat when it nears your time of the month. Suppose we have that in common, then. Go on."

He rolled his eyes, but he looked as if he was holding back a grin. "Anyway, I really don't have much of a romantic past of which to speak, so if you're looking for any exciting stories, you'll be sorely disappointed." He seemed to hesitate for a moment, taking a slow sip of tea before humming thoughtfully. "I will, however, see your 'awkwardness of running into an ex at the club' and raise you my 'awkwardness of living with your ex from school.'''

She dropped the biscuit she'd been holding. "Wait, what?"

Remus laughed a bit. "I'm surprised he hasn't told you yet, honestly, I'd thought you already knew - most people do, I think, it's not like it's this great secret - but er - yes, Sirius and I dated a bit, if you could call it that, when we were younger. When we were boys at Hogwarts. Obviously quite a long time ago."

"I mean, Sirius mentioned he dated boys at school, but I never knew he meant _you_. Blimey - you and _Sirius?_ "

He looked embarrassed now. "Yes, everyone always was surprised. Sirius was quite the charmer while we were at school, and I was - well -"

"Oh, no, that's not what I meant at all. I mean, how'd _Sirius_ manage to pull someone like you?"

"Someone like me," he repeated slowly. "If by that you mean the gawkiest, most awkward boy of our year at Hogwarts who happened to also be a werewolf, yes."

"Stop it, I'm sure you were adorable. I mean, yeah, I get what you mean about Sirius being a charmer. I'm sure he just about ran the school. But you're funny, too. You're really subtle about it and I feel that makes everything you say just that much funnier. That's charming. I'll bet you were quiet but funny and thought that _everyone_ had their eyes on Sirius, and that allowed you to overlook all the people who actually had a crush on you."

He stifled a laugh at her analysis. "It sounds like you're speaking from very specific experience."

"I mean everyone has that type of situation in their year, yeah?" She waved her hand. "My year it was Charlie Weasley. Nearly all the girls were tripping over themselves to talk to him, but I really only saw him as a mate. I thought he was proper fit, don't get me wrong, but he wasn't exactly my type, I suppose. I still remember Graeme Simmons, though; quiet, spent loads of time in the library, adorable as anything. I had the biggest crush on him, the little nerd. And I doubt I was the only one, he was very sweet. Cute in his introverted bookworm type of way."

"Hmm. I wouldn't have pegged you as the type to go after the nerdy bookworm," he teased.

"I do _read_ , Remus, I'm not illiterate."

"That's not what I meant," he replied hastily.

She smirked at him. "I know. You really are too easy to wind up. Anyway, I'm just saying don't undersell yourself. I was just shocked someone was willing to put up with Sirius enough that they'd want to spend even _more_ time with him alone,is all, it must have been exhausting. Although really, I suppose it makes sense. You'd need loads of patience to date Sirius, wouldn't you? Like _infinite_ patience. I'll bet you were a total sweetheart." He was blushing now. "So what happened, anyway?"

"It ended while we were still at school. We just - we grew apart. In that particular way, anyway. We were still great friends, of course, but you know how it is when you're young. And then the war happened, and...anyway, I understand a bit when you talk about the timing just not being right. Then there was a girl our seventh year that I fancied a bit, but nothing ever came of that." He waved a dismissive hand. "The werewolf thing was too complicated, as it always tends to be, and I had enough to worry about with passing my exams and trying to figure out how to get a job out of school."

"What about since then?"

He hummed thoughtfully. "I had one other serious relationship, if you could even call it that, with a woman who'd been in our year at school. Only for about a year or so when I was twenty three. Not even that long, actually. It...didn't end quite well. So I've rather - er - stayed away from dating since then. Better that way, I think."

"Better for who? You or the people you'd potentially date?"

He arched an eyebrow. "Obviously better for my potential romantic partners, infinitesimally small as that pool may be, but I suppose I don't have to tell you that it doesn't exactly do wonders for the ego, either, to have someone you fancy run away from you screaming."

She rolled her eyes. "Did this woman actually run away screaming?"

"Well, not literally, but -"

"And you really haven't dated anyone else?"

He chuckled. "James used to say something daft about me having 'twice the options.' But it didn't matter who I fancied as long as I'm a werewolf, so it's all rather pointless, isn't it?"

"Why would you say it's pointless?"

"No one wants to be involved with a werewolf, Tonks."

"You don't know that that's necessarily true." He gave her an odd look; she hoped she wasn't overstepping any limits, and she couldn't quite pinpoint why she was so determined to convince Remus that he was dateable, anyway. She supposed that she agreed with Sirius and was tired of his moping about all the time, so convinced as he often seemed to be that everyone secretly hated him. She usually felt rather bad for Remus whenever Sirius loudly declared an end to "Moony's pity party" and that "a good shag will sort him right out," but she was starting to think that maybe her cousin had the right idea.

"In my experience, I must say it's rather true. And I can't say I'd blame them, anyway." Remus was still looking at her with a strange expression on his face.

"Well, that's their loss then, I would blame them if the only reason they turn you down is because of an illness that you happen to have. What happened with the girl you'd dated? You said she didn't actually run away screaming. So did she know you were a werewolf when you started dating?" She immediately regretted asking the question, even though they'd already made it this far into the conversation. "You don't have to answer that, actually, sorry. I have a nasty habit of continuing to pry when I should really stop."

"It's quite alright, it was a very long time ago. Er...no, she didn't know. I really should have told her from the start -"

"It doesn't matter, though."

"To many, many people, it does," he replied with a faint smile. "I truly admire your optimism, but most people would not choose to knowingly become involved with someone like me."

"What, someone drinks boatloads of tea and knows far too much about the mating habits of grindylows?"

He rolled his eyes, though she could tell he was trying to hold back a rather exasperated smile. "You know what I mean, Tonks. It wasn't fair of me to deprive her of that choice. Anyway, she eventually worked it out. I knew I couldn't keep it from her forever, I was being foolish. I just couldn't find the right time to tell her. It was just me being cowardly, really. But obviously she figured it out."

"What did she say?"

"She didn't take it very well, as you would imagine," he replied. "I went to work that day - I was working at a bookstore then, part-time - but they sacked me as soon as I showed up. They'd received an anonymous tip about what I am. Then I got home to an eviction notice pinned to the door of my flat, as someone had tipped off my landlord as well and he wanted me out by the end of the night. I still didn't put two and two together until I was packing my things and received her owl bearing a rather strongly worded note and strict instructions never to contact her again." He gave her a crooked smile. "Anyway, as I said, it was a long time ago. I don't think about it much now." He looked down as he fiddled with the biscuit package.

"What a cunt," Tonks said simply, crinkling her nose. He looked up quickly, meeting her eyes with a slightly disbelieving look before letting out a laugh.

"I can't say I blame her now, but -"

"No, you _should_ blame her! Give yourself some more credit, Remus. If the only reason she left you is because she figured out you were a werewolf, she's already an arsehole. And the fact that she decided to blow up the rest of your life too? She's a cunt. Can't change my mind, sorry." He ducked his head to take another sip of tea.

"I didn't have much of a life to blow up, to be honest," he muttered.

"Stop that. Why are you so self-deprecating all the time?" she replied, slightly exasperated. "What she did was hurtful and fucked up and it's okay to admit that it hurt, you know."

"No, I mean - well, I was a bit of a mess in general at that point in my life. Honestly, it likely would not have worked out in the long run, anyway. It was only a couple years after - after James and Lily had died and Sirius had gone to Azkaban, and...well." He smiled at her. "Anyway. You don't want to hear this old man's sad life story. Sorry for boring you."

She rolled her eyes. "Again with the old man thing, stop that. You're not old." She hesitated only for a moment before she reached out and covered his hand briefly with hers, giving it a light squeeze. He looked up, surprised. "I appreciate you telling me all that. I know I yelled at you and almost jinxed you when I came into the kitchen, but you're very enjoyable to talk to, Remus. Even your sad old life story." She grinned.

"Thankfully, those years are behind me. And now I live in this grand old house full of cursed objects with my best mate who also happens to be my ex-boyfriend, and his cantankerous old house elf who takes infinite pleasure in yelling constant abuse at us. Oh, and a portrait of his mum who calls me a filthy half-breed any chance she gets. Could I be any luckier?"

She laughed. "You may just be the luckiest man alive."

"I also occasionally get to enjoy the company of kind young witches who don't find my propensity for sitting alone in the dark _completely_ off-putting, so that's an upside, as well," he said, smiling at her.

She felt a strange swoop in her stomach. "I did almost jinx you though, mind. Light a single candle next time at least. In the name of self-preservation from witches with an overzealous wand draw." She stretched, yawning. "I'm feeling rather knackered now, I'd best be heading to bed. D'you think Sirius would mind if I crashed here? I don't particularly feel like apparating back to my flat now and dealing with all the security wards and charms now that I'm already here."

He shook his head. "Not at all. I'm sure he'll be glad to have some company other than me at breakfast tomorrow morning; he's promised to cook something for us, though what exactly he's planning on making he has not deigned to share with me, so I'm not quite sure if that's an enticing offer or not. Anyway, if you head up to the second floor, the third room on the left is made up to be a guest room. You can sleep there if you'd like."

"Thanks, that's perfect. Are you heading back to bed, too?"

"No, I think I'll stay up for awhile longer. You can leave the biscuits, I'll clean them up."

"Oh, you'll 'clean them up' just as you did with Molly's biscuits. Got it." She winked at him as she pushed back from the table, rising from her chair with another yawn. "Are you sure I can't get you something? For your head or anything?"

He smiled. "No, your company was more than enough. It's not often I have the opportunity for an interesting chat during my bouts of insomnia, so thank you for that. Sleep well, Nymphadora."

"It's Tonks, Remus. Goodnight."

Up in the guest room, she started to strip down for bed, then realized with a shudder that Remus was quite right; it was very drafty in this house. She re-dressed reluctantly, rather regretting her choice of outfit for her night out, as it didn't provide much more warmth than sleeping naked would. She was trying to decide if she should try a warming charm on the mattress (she'd never been quite good at that; there was a decent chance any attempt would end in flames) when she heard a quiet knock on her door. She opened it to find a slightly sheepish looking Remus standing in the hallway, some sort of bundle tucked under his arm.

"Hi, Tonks - I hope you weren't already asleep?"

"No, not at all. You're right, by the way, it's bloody freezing up here." She rubbed her hands together frantically, thinking longingly of her warm bed back at home as goose pimples erupted all up and down her arms.

"That's actually why I came up. I know you said you prefer to sleep - erm - without clothes," he said awkwardly, avoiding her eyes as she smirked, "but it does get quite chilly and I realized you wouldn't have brought any pyjamas to sleep in. I've found you an extra blanket, in case that helps, and I also - er - here's an extra set of my clothes, if you'd like." He held the bundle he'd been holding out to her. "You don't have to wear them, of course," he added hastily, "and they're in rather bad shape, but I figured -"

"No, this is perfect; thank you, Remus," she reassured him. "You've saved me from dying in my sleep of hypothermia tonight, so that's much appreciated. Order of Merlin to you. That would have been the stupidest way to go."

"Right." He smiled. "Anyway, I'll let you get to bed now. Goodnight, Tonks."

"'Night, Remus. Thanks again for the blanket and clothes." He nodded, then slipped into the room next to hers, quietly shutting the door.

She pulled on the clothing he had given her; the joggers were comically long on her legs and the jumper was rather worn, but it was quite soft and warm and smelled clean and faintly woodsy.

She was pleasantly surprised to find that the mattress wasn't as lumpy as she had anticipated it to be; settling down in the bed, she found herself thinking back on her conversation with Remus earlier. She hoped some of what she'd said had gotten through that thick head of his; he really was a sweetheart, she thought with another yawn, eyes becoming heavy with sleep; and he'd certainly make someone happy someday if he'd just give himself the chance to do so.

* * *

Tonks stirred her tea lazily as she flipped through a tattered edition of _Rebecca_ she'd found in the Grimmauld library. Sirius liked to scoff about this old place, but she had found some real gems here; she wasn't quite sure why muggle classics were popping up in the ancient and most noble house of Black, but she wasn't complaining. She had a feeling this one might be Remus', and she'd be lying to herself if she said that one of the reasons she'd picked it up was so she would have yet another excuse to engage him in conversation next time he was around. She'd figured out at this point that she _might_ have a stupid little crush on her Order colleague, and while she knew she really should not feed it (especially considering it might not be as little as she'd like to think), he just knew so much about so many things; Tonks enjoyed talking to him so much, she'd been looking for any excuse to prolong their discussions.

It was rare to have a moment of peace to just sit and read nowadays, and she found it far more relaxing an activity to carry out in front of the crackling fire in the library, laying upon one of the soft, cracked leather sofas instead of her lonely flat. She was close to nodding off when she suddenly heard the front door open quietly in the hall. Immediately alert, she sat up quickly and reached for her wand, frowning; Sirius had been in a mood all day, and he'd retired to bed early that night; Remus had left shortly after dinner for the part-time job he had nowadays stocking the shelves at some small potion shop in Diagon Alley. She supposed it could be Kingsley or Mad-Eye stopping by for Order business, but that would be unlikely at this hour.

She heard a quiet thud and a muffled "fucking hell" from the hallway, and her frown deepened. It sounded like Remus, but she'd hardly ever heard him curse like that, and when she glanced at her watch she found it was far too early for him to be back from his shift already. Her question was answered, however, when the door to the library opened rather abruptly and she saw that it was, in fact, Remus, still wearing his winter cloak, hair plastered to his forehead from the icy sleet that'd been pummeling London all evening.

He stopped short as soon as he saw her sitting on the sofa. "Oh - Nymphadora. I didn't realize you were in here, I'm sorry." He was clutching what looked to be a piece of parchment in one fist, wand in the other. "Sorry, I'll just -" he started backing towards the door again. She could tell immediately from the look on his face when he walked in that something was wrong, though he'd smiled pleasantly as soon as he realized she was there.

"Hey, no, why don't you come in and join me?" she said quickly. "Is everything okay?"

"No, no, everything is fine," he replied. "I didn't mean to bother you, I can see that you're reading. I'll just -"

"Remus, stop being ridiculous. You're soaked, just come sit by the fire for a minute, at least. I could use the company." She closed her book and patted the spot next to her. "Wasn't getting much reading done from behind my eyelids, anyway. The fire's warm. Come on."

His mouth twisted into a small smile. "Alright then." He made his way across the room, shrugging off his cloak onto a nearby chair before collapsing on the sofa next to her with a small sigh. He was still holding that piece of parchment in his hand.

"There, that's not so bad, is it?" She tried not to think about how close they were sitting. Close enough that if she squinted, she might see small droplets of water clinging to his fringe and his eyelashes from what looked to have been his very prolonged walk home.

He closed his eyes as he leaned his head back against the back of the sofa. "It does feel nice. The weather is absolutely horrid tonight." He continued to sit silently for a moment, stretching his legs out to be closer to the fire; tiny tendrils of steam rose from the hems of his trousers as the heat dried them out. She curled her legs up underneath her, watching him closely; that frown line had appeared between his brows again, and she had the sudden urge to touch his face and smooth all the worry away.

Tonks chewed her lip; she wasn't sure if she should ask, or wait for him to continue speaking. She had a feeling she knew what was wrong; he wasn't supposed to be back from work for another two or three hours, which must mean that -

"Everything is fine, I'm fine, but I was sacked."

Her stomach sank, though her suspicions had been correct. "Those bastards," she replied. "What did they say? Did they really make you come all the way out there to get one last bit of labor out of you before they did it? And why are you so wet?"

He shook his head, eyes still closed as he held out the hand fisting the parchment. "I showed up and my key no longer worked. This was posted on the door. I decided to walk for a bit before apparating back here."

Brows knitting together, she took the scrap from his hand and unfolded it. It was a "help wanted" advert for his job position, with one sentence enlarged and bolded at the bottom: " **Werewolves and other half-breeds need not apply."**

She stared down at the parchment. "What the fuck?"

"I must admit," he said, "I'm used to it. But they used to sack me in-person. Or at the very least, a personalized letter. This is a new one." He'd opened his eyes again, and was peering into the flames thoughtfully. Then he turned to give her a rather sad smile. "I'm sorry for being such a downer. It's not a big deal. I've been sacked plenty of times before."

"Remus, why are _you_ apologizing? Of course it's a big deal! What utter tossers - they can't -"

"They can, it's perfectly legal. And most shops don't want werewolves around their wares and customers. It was only a matter of time. I'd just hoped this time around it would last a bit longer, is all."

"Legal doesn't make it right! And they were already making you work nights so that you didn't come into contact with customers! Which is also bullshit, if you ask me -"

"It's just the way things are, Tonks." He sounded tired.

"But that doesn't make it okay!" she exclaimed, frustrated. "I know you think I'm naive, it's just that you deserve so much better than this. I mean, you know that, don't you?" He didn't respond. "Remus. You know that, right?"

"I would never think you're naive. And I appreciate your kind words."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not just saying all this just to make you feel better, you know. You're my friend, I care about you. You know I mean it, right? I want you to acknowledge that you deserve better."

He sighed. "I shouldn't have taken their advert. Maybe I should go return it. They'll need to keep it posted so they can find someone else to fill the position."

"Maybe you should go return -" Tonks looked at him in disbelief. "Remus. Do you _hear_ yourself? Sod their advert, we're burning it."

"Tonks -"

"Nope. Goodbye." She tossed the parchment in the fire, and they watched as it crinkled in on itself and began to turn to ash. She was pleased to see the slightest hint of satisfaction on his face. "You're allowed to be angry, you know."

"I'm not angry," he said wearily, looking up at the ceiling. "I mean - I suppose I am, just a little a bit. And as I said, I _am_ used to it, but it just…it never gets any less humiliating, Tonks," he finished quietly. "What kind of thirty five year old man can't even hold down a part-time job? They were barely even paying me living wages to begin with. I was practically free labor and they _still_ didn't want me."

"Hey," she replied sternly. "It is _not_ a reflection on you and anyone who would think so is mad. They're a bunch of bigots and I've a right mind to go tell them to stick their offensive job adverts right up their -"

"Tonks." There was a hint of exasperated amusement in his voice now, at least.

"I know, I know. I'll leave well enough alone. There will be no adverts rammed up any arses _this_ time." He snorted. "Just...do not blame yourself for this, alright? It worries me. I wish you saw yourself the way our friends do. The way Sirius and I do."

He looked away from her abruptly. "I'm going to go make some tea. Would you like some tea?" She knew that this was his way of coping with stress, but she _also_ knew it was his way of avoiding talking about things that really needed to be talked about.

"Nope. Uh uh. You can't escape my lavishing of unsolicited praise upon you _that_ easily." She caught his arm as he started to stand, and he fell back into the settee with an amused look on his face. "Here. I already made some tea, let's share. But _you_ have to stay _here_." She pushed the blue mug she'd been nursing into his hands. "Now let me continue what I was going to say. You are one of the kindest, cleverest, funniest -"

"Tonks," he muttered, rolling his eyes. "Please don't, this is completely unnecessary."

"The more you interrupt me, the longer the list of your admirable qualities is going to get."

"I'm also an impoverished werewolf. Is that going to appear anywhere on this so-called list?" he snapped.

"Yeah, you might have mentioned that once or twice. Doesn't cancel out any of the other things, though."

"But the other things don't _matter_ if I turn into a monster each month -"

"Jesus christ, you need to learn how to take a compliment. I have never met a wizard as awful at taking a compliment as you, it's maddening. And I will actually smack you if you call yourself a monster in front of me ever again. You are _infuriating_." She gestured threateningly at the mug in his hands. "Now drink the tea, I mean it. I'm not letting you fetch your own. If you want tea we've got to share. Because you're going to stay here and _let me finish_. You are absolutely bloody _brilliant_ and anyone who doesn't see that is a dim-witted pillock. That shop doesn't deserve you, anyway. Your talents were wasted on them."

He glared at her for a moment before some of the tension seemed to melt from his shoulders; he sat back slightly and gave her an odd look, as if he were amazed by something. "Thank you," he replied finally. "I'm still...not quite sure others will ever see it that way, but I'm lucky to have a friend like you. You're so...you're such a good person." He finally took a small sip of tea, peering at her intently over the rim of the cup. His brows knit together as he appeared to be thinking about something. As had been happening more and more often as of late, she found her breath hitch the slightest bit in her throat as she met his eyes. Something about the way he was looking at her now was different. "You know," he murmured after another swallow of tea, "you're a very special person, Nymphadora."

They stared at each other for a moment. She'd been wondering if he felt it, too; the tension. Whenever they were on an Order mission and they were pressed together in the underbrush on the perimeter of some Death Eater haunt; or whenever their eyes met, both of them smirking at some unspoken joke at Snape's expense during an Order meeting; when their arms brushed against each other during dinner (especially once she'd realized he was left-handed, and had taken to sitting in the seat to his left, increasing the frequency of their bumps and brushes); or all those nights playing chess over tea or firewhiskey, usually with Sirius, but nowadays more often than not extending far past whatever time of night Sirius excused himself and retired to bed. She knew now, from the way he was looking at her, that he'd felt it too.

She wasn't sure who moved first, but the mug he'd been holding went tumbling to the ground as they launched themselves towards each other. Suddenly she was straddling his lap; his hands flew up to tightly grip her waist, pulling her body flush against his as she pressed him back into the sofa. She wound her fingers through his hair, urgently pressing her mouth to his in a searing kiss.

"The tea," he managed to gasp as their lips slid together.

"Don't care," she murmured, hands stroking down the back of his neck and his shoulders before she grabbed his face and crushed her lips to his again. She moaned quietly as he caught her bottom lip between his teeth, sucking gently on it before he pulled back again, his breathing ragged.

"Dora - the tea -"

" _Why_ are you still thinking about the bloody tea right now?" She slowly and deliberately rolled her hips against his, smirking as he jerked upwards and let out a groan. "I don't know about you, but I've been thinking about _this_ for ages."

"It's just - the carpet -"

She rolled her eyes. "Merlin, Remus, you're so annoying sometimes. Don't make me take back all those nice things I just said about you. " She twisted around in his lap, producing her wand and pointing it at the spilled tea in one fluid motion. " _Evanesco._ " With another wave of her wand, the mug landed softly on the edge of the table behind them. Satisfied, she turned back around. "Better now?" He was grinning, a slightly dazed look in his eyes. She couldn't help but grin back. He was adorable when he really, truly smiled. Even when he was being annoying.

"Much," he breathed. "Now where were we?" He leaned forward to press his lips to her throat, hands splayed across her lower back. She could barely form a coherent thought now as he worked his way up to the tender spot just underneath her jawline, sucking softly on the skin there. "Here?"

She swallowed, trying and failing miserably to stifle a rather undignified noise that managed to escape her throat. "Yeah, I think we were somewhere around there," she replied, forgetting to be embarrassed at the breathiness of her voice as he gently tugged on her earlobe with his teeth. She still couldn't quite believe this was happening; she thought she'd wanted him for awhile now, but she'd figured it was a silly little fantasy that would stay relegated to the corner of her mind that she visited when she was lying awake at night or sitting in the bath. She rocked her hips against his again, instinctively this time, and his hands tightened on her waist.

"You can't keep doing that," he groaned.

"What'll you do about it? What if I do this?" She shoved her hand in between them to tug at his shirt where it was tucked into his trousers, and she felt her fingers brush against clear evidence that he was enjoying this little snogging session as much as she was. His eyes bolted open, and suddenly he moved to shift her off his lap. She felt her heart stop for a moment - maybe she'd gone too far.

"Sorry -" she gasped

He shook his head. "Upstairs?" he managed, his breathing ragged as he stood rather unsteadily and held out a hand to help her up from the couch. She nodded so quickly she thought her head might fall off, grabbing his hand and hauling herself up. They stumbled backwards, and she heard a thud as the mug fell from the table.

"Dora, the t-"

"I know, I _know_ , the bleeding tea! _Evanesco!"_ she snapped, then stopped short as she stared at the spot where the mug had just been lying on the carpet. "Oh, bugger. That was Sirius' favorite mug, wasn't it? And I've just vanished it."

"Oh, dear. Yes, I'm afraid it was. And now it's quite gone." Remus met her eyes, and the look on his face was so grave that she felt laughter bubbling up in her chest before she could stop it.

Suddenly she was laughing, letting out great loud snorts, and Remus watched her in slight shock for just a second before his shoulders started to shake with laughter, too.

"It was rather ugly though, wasn't it?" she hiccoughed. "Maybe I've done him a favor."

"He drinks out of that bloody mug _every morning_ , there's no way he's not going to notice it's just disappeared -"

She let out another shriek of laughter. "Oh Merlin, he's going to _kill_ us -"

"Us?" Remus arched an eyebrow at her, suddenly managing to get his breathing back under control, though the corner of his mouth was twitching rather uncontrollably. "I believe it was _you_ who vanished the mug, Nymphadora."

"Only because you were distracting me! If you hadn't been sitting there looking all - looking all disheveled and damp and bookish and _sexy_ -"

"Looking all what?"

"Oh, stop fishing for compliments, you heard what I said. The whole sexy rumpled professor thing you've got going on, don't act like you don't know," she snapped. His shoulders were shaking with laughter again. "Anyway, I don't really care about that right now. We're in London, which last I checked, did have a shop or two somewhere. I am very certain we'll find another blue mug and we can replace what we've destroyed. But let's discuss that plan later. What was it you were saying about going upstairs?"

Suddenly, the laughter disappeared, and he was looking at her the same way he had been looking at her over the tea just a few minutes ago. She grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the library door, nearly tripping over her feet in her haste to get to the stairs.

After what seemed like an eternity they finally reached his bedroom; they were delayed only slightly by a quick stop in the hallway by the front door, where Tonks couldn't resist pressing him against the wall for another hot, desperate open-mouthed kiss. Remus had barely closed the door before she had thrown herself on the bed, pulling him down with her. He continued to kiss her enthusiastically, tongue sliding against hers until she reached for the hem of his shirt again; and then she felt him slow down, hesitation creeping into his movements.

"Dora," he said, shifting to look her in the eyes, "are you - I just want to be _absolutely_ certain that you -"

"Yes," she said simply. "Are you?"

"Of course. Yes, of course I want to," he replied breathlessly, kissing her soundly again. "It's just -" He started to roll off of her, smiling slightly when she hooked a leg around his waist to keep his weight on her. "I know that werewolves don't often make the top of someone's 'want-to-shag' list, so I need to know that you're -"

"If we're talking about my want-to-shag list specifically, no, I can't say that many random werewolves are at the top of it, but Remus Lupin happens to be," she replied, looking at him defiantly. "Number one on my list for awhile now, in fact, so if you'd be so kind as to help me achieve-"

She smiled against his lips as he pressed them against hers again with a quiet groan, apparently having received all the convincing he needed.

Tonks awoke early the next morning, slightly disoriented as she tried to figure out why the walls looked different from her bedroom at home and why she was being pressed down into the mattress by something heavier and warmer than her duvet. She realized with a sudden snap into clearer consciousness that she was in Remus' bedroom, and the man in question had an arm and a leg draped over her, his deep, even breathing slightly ruffling the hair on the back of her neck. His breath hitched as soon as she stirred, however, and she turned to see Remus opening his eyes, slowly at first, then with a suddenness that startled her, as if he hadn't expected her to be there.

"Good morning, Nymphadora," he rasped, his sleep-ridden voice slightly attenuated by his wide eyes. "Are you - how are you feeling?"

"Absolutely fantastic," she replied, wriggling around so that she could face him completely. She pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "And how are you feeling?" He looked slightly dazed.

"Good," he replied. "Very good. Erm…"

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, sorry. I just...sorry, I'm rather surprised you're still here," he replied. "Pleasantly, of course. I'm glad you're here."

She frowned. "What kind of person do you think I am? You think I would just up and leave in the middle of the night after all that?"

He blushed. "I...no, I didn't think you would. Sorry, I just…"

"I thought I made it quite clear last night how much I rather like you, Remus."

"No, no, you did," he said sheepishly. "It's just...sorry. It's me. It's a me problem. I'm not doubting you. It's just that I've never before slept with a woman who...who knew what I was beforehand, that's all. It's just taking me a moment to get used to that idea."

"What, a woman who knows you're a Welshman? I thought that'd be quite apparent by your accent, really."

He rolled his eyes. "No, not that."

"The fact that you're brought up Catholic, then? I can't pretend to know _too_ much about muggle religion and even then, Dad's raised Anglican, but I can get past it."

"Nymphadora." He was fighting back a smile now, at least, the wary fear in his eyes slowly receding, at least temporarily.

"Right. Now you realize how ridiculous you sound, then? And now you _have_ slept with a woman who knows and doesn't give a shit, and I'd quite like to do it again sometime soon, if you're game."

A smile spread slowly across his face, blush spreading quicker. "I - yes, I would like that."

"Good." She kissed him again. "What are your plans for today?"

"Well, I owe Dumbledore a report from my meeting in Cornwall last week with my liaison to the werewolf pack there; I should likely finish that today. Other than that, the usual daily challenge of keeping Sirius from going stark raving mad. You?"

"I have the day off today, but I have a load of paperwork I need to get done. I was thinking maybe we can have some breakfast then I can join you in the library? I promise I'll let you actually get work done. I really have far too much work to get through, I just figure it might be nicer with some good company." With anyone else, she would feel safe enough making plans for the next day or even later that week; with Remus, she wanted him to remain absolutely sure of the fact that she wanted to be around him.

He smiled. "I'd like that." He flopped back into his pillow. "Speaking of breakfast, however, in case he's already awake, I think we should - er - perhaps stagger our arrivals to the kitchen so that Sirius doesn't do the thing he normally does."

"What, pry far too deeply into other people's business in the most inappropriate and uncouth of ways?"

"Precisely that, yes."

"Right." She grinned. "He _did_ know I was planning on crashing here last night so it makes it slightly easier to explain, but why don't you go down first then I'll come down in a few minutes? I'd like to take a shower anyway and you'll be quicker."

"Alright, then." He started to swing his legs out of the bed, then to her delight he leaned back down and gave her a kiss, smiling as he stood. "See you at breakfast."

When she finally made her way down to the kitchen, she was greeted by the smell of frying eggs, bacon, and sausages and was surprised to see Remus sitting at the table, an overflowing plate already in front of him, while Sirius flipped a frying pan on the stove.

"Wotcher, Sirius. This smells lovely."

"Don't sound so shocked," he shot back over his shoulder. "Woke up ravenous and knew Moony would just make toast again, so I took matters into my own hands. Sleep well last night?"

"Yes, I slept very well, thanks." She caught Remus' eye over the copy of the Daily Prophet he was currently scanning, and was pleased to see the slightest of smirks appear on his face. She slipped into the chair across from him as Sirius slid a heavily laden plate in front of her, along with a fresh cup of coffee. "You really went all out, mate, cheers. This looks fantastic."

"Yeah, well, might want to taste it first. Though I do believe my cooking's vastly improved over the last few months. Hasn't it, Moony?"

"In leaps and bounds."

"Poor git nearly choked on the first meal I attempted to make in this miserable kitchen. But that's just because he hasn't spent as much time eating rat as I have, truly anything tastes better than that."

"You don't know that."

Sirius scoffed. "Look at yourself. Men who wear cardigans with such alarming frequency as you don't eat rats, no matter how dire their circumstances." He returned to the counter and started rummaging through the cupboards. "Say, have either of you seen my mug?"

"Which mug?" Remus replied, eyes ceasing to move across the page he was reading.

"That blue mug with the white polka dots? The one I use every morning."

"I haven't seen it since you last used it," Remus replied at the same time that Tonks blurted out, "It's gone." Remus looked at her briefly, muscles in his cheeks working furiously to keep a straight expression, then he held up the newspaper to completely obscure his face.

Sirius turned around, eyebrows raised. "What do you mean, it's gone?"

Tonks glanced over at the Daily Prophet that faced her across the table and realized that she was on her own with this one. "I - er - well, I used it for tea last night, and I broke it. And now it's gone."

"You do realize you're a witch, right? And you can rather easily repair things that you've broken? The wonders of magic. I watch you do it all the time."

"It - er - well, maybe 'broke' isn't quite the right word to describe it. I dropped it - almost punted it, really - and it hit the floor so hard it kind of...exploded. Just disintegrated. There was no saving it, really, so I just had to...vanish it."

Sirius' brow furrowed slightly. "Right," he said slowly.

"I'll get you a new one, promise."

"I had a sentimental attachment to that particular one, you know."

"Oh I'm sorry, was it a treasured Black family heirloom?" she replied sarcastically, gratified to hear Remus snort from behind his paper.

"No, I'm just particularly fond of polka dots," Sirius shot back, grinning as Tonks rolled her eyes and threw a piece of toast at him.

"Git. I really will get you a new one."

"Don't worry about it, Nymphadora."

"Don't call me -"

"Right, right. Sorry." Sirius pulled a different cup out of the cupboard, joining them at the table once he'd poured his coffee. "Tell me something I've been wondering about though, Tonks," he said, tone genial as he focused on stuffing a forkful of egg into his mouth. "Why _can't_ I call you Nymphadora?"

"We've been over this, Sirius. No one is allowed to call me that. Even my favorite cousin."

"What about Dora?"

"Only my dad's allowed to call me that, you know that," she replied automatically. "Why? What's wrong with just Tonks?" Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the Daily Prophet start to descend slowly across the table.

"It's just funny," Sirius continued. "Because I could have sworn that I heard someone calling you Dora last night. It sounded a bit like Moony, in fact. Quite loudly, too." Remus had lowered the newspaper completely now, and he met her eyes from across the table, a horrified expression dawning on his face. "And what's even funnier is that I heard it coming from his bedroom, at one in the morning, and it _even_ sounded like he might have been in the middle of fuc-"

"If you finish that sentence the rest of that beautifully fried egg will end up in an undesirable location, Sirius," Remus cut in through gritted teeth.

Sirius shrugged nonchalantly, shoveling more sausage into his mouth. Tonks felt her face heat up as she focused furiously on her own plate. "Er -"

"I'm just saying," her cousin continued in that infuriatingly matter-of-fact tone, "you two might want to remember the silencing charm next time you shag. There'll be children in the house in a matter of weeks, and I know for certain that they do _not_ want to know what their beloved professor's name sounds like when it's invoked in the throes of passion-"

"Alright, that's enough," Tonks snapped, throwing another piece of toast at Sirius as he sniggered. "So we forgot, alright? We were a bit - er - caught up in things."

"I'll say." Sirius grinned at Remus, who rather looked like he'd love nothing more than to have the ground open up and swallow him whole. "It's really alright, though. I managed to fall back asleep eventually. I would have knocked and reminded you two to keep it down, but I didn't want to interrupt and ruin anything, not really. Not only for you two lovebirds, but also seeing as it's my duty to the Order," he added casually.

Remus met her eyes, silently pleading with her not to bite, a plea which she stupidly ignored. "What d'you mean, your duty to the Order?" she asked suspiciously.

"Oh, it's just that it's been unbearable being around you two lately. Sexual tension as thick as Molly's lamb stew. I think even _Snape's_ picked up on it, cold fish that he is. Thought I'd have to lock you both in the pantry so you could just get on with it up against the wine shelf. But you got there on your own, and in a proper bed at that! So now that you two are finally on your way to shagging it out, we'll all be able to just relax and -"

"Remus, what do you say we go looking for that mug now?" she said abruptly, setting down her fork and knife. He quickly folded up his paper, pushing back from the table.

"Yes, that charity shop down the road might have something, best we get there soon as it opens."

"You can't buy my silence with a new mug. But I'm such a good friend, I'll put warming charms on your plates. Finish your breakfast when you get back, loves. You'll need to refuel if you're trying for another round that's anything like last night's." Sirius tapped his chin thoughtfully with a long finger. "Blimey, Moony, it was impressive, really. No offense, but I know it's been awhile, so here was poor old Sirius, lying sleepless in his bed thinking, 'at least it'll be over soon.' But I really underestimated you, and for that I owe you my deepest apologies. You just kept on -"

"Okay, bye," Tonks said loudly, taking the stairs two at a time out of the kitchen, Remus close on her heels as Sirius' cackles followed them up to the front door.

"Sorry about that, I _knew_ he would do that," Remus muttered.

"Oh, it's fine. That saves us having to figure out how to tell him, anyway. He really is in top form this morning, though, how does he do it?" Remus scoffed. "So do you think that charity shop is open already?"

"Er - I'm not sure there really is a charity shop down the street, to be honest, I just said that to escape the conversation."

She laughed. "To be fair, Sirius was right; we _do_ both have wands and magical abilities; convenient, that. I'm sure we could perhaps snatch another cup from the cupboard and charm some polka dots onto it. Might save us some trouble."

"That's not a bad suggestion, though I'm rather reluctant to go back down to the kitchen just yet," Remus replied.

"Why don't we just go back upstairs, then?" She gave him a mischievous grin, and he blushed as he realized what she was implying.

"Tonks, I -"

"And after that, I promise to let you get your work done, _Professor._ " She stepped closer to him, sliding her arms around his neck. "I rather want to hear you call me Dora again," she purred into his ear, playing with the hair at the back of his neck. Some sort of choked noise escaped from his throat and she pulled back to see his blush had deepened. She raised an eyebrow, and all he could do was nod, wide-eyed as she grabbed his hand and started to pull him back up the stairs, laughing as she thought to herself that the look on his face when he realized he was being seduced made all of Sirius' teasing entirely worth it.

* * *

Tensions were high at the Order meeting that night, as they often had been lately. Even though tonight's group was rather small, everyone kept talking over one another and Tonks could tell that beneath his usual composure, Remus was getting frustrated. He'd been leading the meeting since neither Mad-Eye nor Dumbledore could make it, and for the third time that evening the agenda had been derailed for a heated discussion regarding Mundungus Fletcher's role in a certain assignment to gather intelligence.

"We've been over this, _Snivellus_ , Dung is the only one who can do this one."

"I just don't see why we are entrusting a petty criminal with the task of handling such a potentially helpful informant," Snape replied in an oily tone.

"We continue to trust _you_ against our better judgment, don't we?"

"That's enough, Sirius," Remus admonished wearily. Sirius sat back in the chair next to him with a huff, turning his head to glare into the fire instead, though it had dwindled to nearly embers at this point. "Severus, I must say I agree with Sirius on this one -"

"Shocking," Snape sneered.

"I agree with Sirius," Remus continued as if he hadn't been interrupted, "because it really does not make any sense for anyone else here to go in his stead. Mundungus has the right connections to be showing up to a meeting like this; it would raise suspicion if someone else were to turn up."

"I'm with Remus and Sirius on this as well, Severus," Arthur agreed, nodding. Ugly splotches of red started to appear on Snape's cheeks as the other Order members around the table murmured their assent. "I know Mundungus is - well - he has his issues, but there really hasn't been any reason for us to suspect -"

"I'm sorry if it comes as a surprise that I don't trust a poor excuse for a wizard who spends most of his time sleeping in the gutters of Knockturn Alley," Snape spat, lip curling as he kept his gaze on Remus, "but I must say I don't quite trust the judgment of one who spends a night each month running around in the forest on all fours, either."

Remus' jaw clenched slightly as Sirius nearly vaulted out of his chair, reaching for his wand. "How _dare_ you speak to him like that -"

"Sirius, _please_ , sit down," Remus said desperately, trying to pull Sirius back down into his seat. Tonks had sat bolt upright in her chair as well when Remus met her eyes, silently pleading with her not to say anything that would fan the flames. " _Sirius -_ "

"You want _me_ to _sit down_? For once in your goddamn life, Moony, would you stick up for yourself?" The two men glared at each other before Sirius dropped heavily back into his seat with a snort of disgust.

"Sirius is right, Severus, that was wholly unnecessary," Molly added curtly, eyes flashing. Despite the circumstances, Tonks was rather pleased that the other Order members were visibly indignant on his behalf. Remus needed all the convincing he could get that everyone here (well, nearly everyone - Snape excluded) respected him; Tonks just wished it didn't take Snape's cruelty for it to happen.

"I'm simply pointing out," Snape continued with a sneer, "that while we are examining potentially questionable allegiances, I just find it _odd_ that no one else seems to think -"

"Severus," Remus cut in loudly above the angry grumblings that were starting to arise from others at the table, "if you still have such strong reservations, I am certainly not opposed to checking with Dumbledore to see if -"

"Yes, go running to Dumbledore," Snape snarled. "While we are on the subject of trust, does no one else really wonder at the fact that despite _anyone_ else's better judgment, the headmaster has always been rather overly-fond of his pet wol-"

"If you finish that sentence, I swear to god I will hex your greasy nose off," Sirius roared, leaping to his feet again as Remus rolled his eyes.

"Sit _down_ , Sirius," Remus snapped, yanking so hard on Sirius' sleeve that Tonks thought it might rip. He turned to Snape again; his face had drained of any color, but his eyes were flashing with uncharacteristic anger. "Dumbledore is the one who set the roster for this assignment, so yes, if you so strongly believe we should change it, you'll have to consult with him, Severus. I'm sure he'd be more than happy to hear your concerns."

Snape glared at him for just a moment before standing abruptly. "As it so happens, I am on my way to meet him regarding another matter this evening. I must be going."

"Perfect. Do let us know if the roster needs to be changed, then," Remus replied shortly.

Snape sneered at him. "Don't forget to take your potion, Lupin," he snapped before sweeping out of the room.

"Of course I won't," Remus replied quietly, though Snape had already gone. He quickly looked round at the table, flushing slightly to see that all eyes were on him before dropping his gaze to the pile of parchment in front of him. He cleared his throat awkwardly and set about straightening the already overly-tidy pile. "Right. Where were we?"

"Remus -" Hestia started gently.

"We are quite behind schedule now, and I know everyone here has lives they'd like to get to, so let's just get back to the agenda, shall we?" he continued loudly. Hestia turned her head to throw a concerned glance at Tonks, who gave the slightest shake of her head when their eyes met. She and Remus had been seeing each other for only a few months now, and sometimes she was still slightly surprised when other Order members deferred to her as the person who knew him best; though she supposed that aside from Sirius, she had quickly become that person.

The curly haired witch cleared her throat. "Yes, I believe Emmeline and I were to give our report on the meeting held at the Selwyn residence last week?"

"Right. Thank you, Hestia. Go on." Remus nodded.

The meeting finished in a rather anticlimactic fashion; as soon as it had come to an end, Sirius stormed out. Tonks made her way over to Remus, who was fussing rather absent-mindedly with his pile of parchment again.

"Remus?" she said softly, touching his shoulder.

He looked up at her. "I need to have a quick word with Sturgis about something. Why don't you go see where Sirius went off to? He's likely in the library." She raised her eyebrows, and his expression softened. "It's okay, Tonks. I'll be up in a few minutes. Alright?"

"Okay," she said dubiously, but Sturgis had started to make his way to their side of the table, so she did what he suggested and headed up the stairs. Sure enough, when she entered the library, Sirius was brooding in front of the fire, a glass of whiskey already in hand. "Hey, mate. Mind if I join?" she asked. Sirius looked back at the doorway, giving a quick shake of his head.

Tonks sank down into one of the sofas by the fire, murmuring her thanks as Sirius silently handed her a glass of firewhiskey. She took a swallow, wincing slightly as the alcohol burned its way down her throat. "Pity our meetings aren't always that exciting, eh?"

"I don't even know why that slimy piece of shit is allowed to be here," Sirius spat. Tonks cringed; she supposed Remus had asked her to come up here with the idea that she'd help talk Sirius down, but it was bothering her, too.

"What is up with all that, anyway? I mean, I know Snape's a git, and I've never liked him, don't get me wrong. But he was _particularly_ foul tonight and there was absolutely no reason to be. He wouldn't have reacted that way if Arthur had been leading the meeting." She chewed on her lip. "And why does Remus let Snape treat him like such shit?"

Sirius gave her a grin that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Have you heard the boggart story?"

She snorted. "Of course I have. I think I've heard it from each of the Weasley kids at least twice. What I would give to see that, believe me." She took another sip of her drink, clearing her throat with a small cough. "I mean...that can't be it though, right? No offense, I know you and Snape have never exactly been friends, but Remus is never anything but polite to him and he just treats him like absolute shit in return. Why? There's got to be something else going on there. Did something happen when you all were at school?"

Sirius closed his eyes briefly, exhaling heavily through his nose. "Yes, something did happen when we were at school." When he opened them again, he looked directly at her, a strange look in on his face. "Remus told you that we sort of...saw each other for a bit while we were in school, yeah?"

"He did, but what's that have to do with Snape?" she asked, confused.

Sirius waved a hand. "It's related. Somewhat. Did he tell you why we...why it ended?"

"No, not really. I mean, he mentioned you could be a bit of a berk -" Sirius snorted "- but aside from that, no, he just made it sound as if you two drifted apart, and then with everything that happened in the first war…" she trailed off.

Sirius heaved a sigh. "I was a git most of the time I was in school, but that's not...look, I broke his trust in a massive way. Like, the biggest way."

"Did you cheat on him?"

"Merlin, no. Far worse than that." He looked down into his firewhiskey. "God, you're going to think...okay. It was during our sixth year, I had a lot of stuff going on. Family stuff. I _was_ a berk, that's not a lie. And it didn't help that Snape was sticking that stupid nose of his fucking everywhere. Drove me absolutely _mad_. Always asking where we were off to, why Remus disappeared so often, why he was ill all the time, shit like that. And obviously all that was interspersed with the usual insults, he wasn't interested because he wanted to know more about our lives. So one day…" he took a shuddering breath. "One day, I'd had enough. I can't remember how the conversation started, he'd found me walking by the Great Lake. He was trying to get a rise out of me, as he usually was. I didn't care much what he had to say about me. I was used to it, I always had some smart-arse response ready. But he said something again about Remus. He said, 'How many secrets does Lupin need to keep? Now that the entire school knows he's a poof, what else could he have to hide?' And I just snapped. I think because he'd said something about Remus, I convinced myself that I was defending him or some stupid shit like that. But obviously if I had been _really_ thinking about Remus in all this, I wouldn't have done it. I was...it was pure selfishness. I was annoyed and I really just wanted to hurt Snape." He paused, swirling the firewhiskey around in his glass.

Tonks nodded encouragingly at him to continue. "What did you do?"

"I told him that if he was so interested in our affairs, he could find out where Remus went if he followed him to the Whomping Willow the next night. The next night was the full moon. I told him how he could get in. And...he almost did. James found out what I'd done and ran in after him to pull him out before he...before he came into contact with Remus. Who had already transformed in the Shrieking Shack."

Tonks' hand flew to her mouth before she could stop it. "Sirius, how could you?" she whispered.

He laughed bitterly. "That's exactly what Remus said." He took a long draught of his drink. "I went to see him in the Hospital Wing the next morning. Madam Pomfrey ended up kicking me out because he was recovering from his transformation and when he saw me, he...started crying. I still remember the look on his face when he saw me. And I immediately regretted what I had done." He shook his head. "I mean, not what could have happened to Snape. He could have died for all I care." Tonks could barely suppress the shiver that passed through her at the cold, hardened look on his face as he said this. She knew he meant it. "But Remus' reaction was…I didn't even realize how badly I'd fucked up at first, that was the thing. James was yelling at me all morning and I thought he was overreacting. Told him to fuck off, thought I would go see Remus, apologize, he would be mad at me for a bit, maybe a bit of the old cold shoulder and then that would be it. Then I actually went to go see Remus and..." he swallowed convulsively. "I'd hardly seen him yell before. About anything. He was always so calm and quiet; I know it's hard to believe, knowing my disposition, but it's one of the things I liked most about him, that drew me to him. I think you may be able to relate." Sirius gave her a faint smile. "Anyway, I came to see him in the hospital wing. He could barely sit up but I just remember that he was yelling at me that he couldn't believe I'd use him like that for a petty prank when I knew that he trusted me, that he…that he would kill himself if he ever hurt anyone. If he had bitten or killed Snape. I don't think I quite realized until that moment how much what I had done would hurt Moony, too."

Tonks was still wondering what exactly this had to do with Snape's outburst today - this was so many years ago, after all, and Remus still hadn't done anything to him in this story to justify a decades-old grudge - but she listened quietly. She could tell this had been weighing on Sirius for a long time, and lord knows he needed to let out some of the shit that had been pent up inside him for so long. She reached out impulsively to grab his hand. Sirius looked down, as if he was startled that she was still there. But he continued, his hand laying loosely in her grasp. "I still don't know if he knows how much I regret it. And then with the war, we both suspected each other of being a spy and...well, anyway. You asked about Snape. He thought Remus had something to do with it, even though it was all me. He doesn't believe that Remus wasn't in on it. That's part of the reason he's such a git. And Remus blames himself even though I'm the one who was a stupid idiot, naturally."

"That's so daft. And yet so Remus."

Sirius snorted. "It is. And that's the worst part of it, what I did. He didn't even _do_ anything but he blames himself because he thinks that if he just wasn't a werewolf, something that's completely out of his control, none of that would have happened. When _I'm_ the one who told Snape where to go." He sighed, setting down his whiskey glass to rub at his face with one hand. "Sorry. I don't know why I'm…"

"No, it's okay, Sirius. Let it out. You obviously need to talk about it, and I'm here to listen, alright?" She squeezed his hand again. "Does Remus know you feel this way about everything? Did you ever talk about it?"

"Not after that, no. We obviously eventually went back to being friends, and - I did love him, you know. I loved him in the way school kids love each other, I guess. Sorry if...sorry if this is weird -"

"It's not weird, I understand," Tonks replied softly. "I know. It's okay, go on."

"I love him still. I mean, not in that way, obviously, or I wouldn't have been pushing so hard for you two to shag." Tonks rolled her eyes. "Just like a mate. The trust was already broken in a way I don't think we could ever fully come back from, even if...everything else hadn't happened, if I hadn't gone to Azkaban. But he's the only true friend I've got left, and he...do you think he knows?" Sirius asked quietly. "Do you think he knows how sorry I am?"

Tonks had rarely heard Sirius speak so vulnerably, and her heart broke slightly at the look on his face. "Why don't you just talk to him?"

"Do you think he'd really want to hear it from me? After so many years? Be honest."

"I think he would," she replied. "I think it'll help both of you."

"Right. Right - I'll talk to him." He let out a slightly shaky laugh. "Jesus - sorry, Tonks. You don't need to hear me sobbing over something that happened between me and your boyfriend when we were sixteen."

"Hey," she said sternly. "I told you I'm here to listen, alright? I care about both of you. I don't want you going crazy in here."

"I'm afraid it's too late for that," Sirius replied quietly. Tonks took a breath to respond, but then suddenly, the door to the library swung open, and they both jumped, turning around to see Remus in the doorway.

"If it isn't my two favorite members of the Black family," he said, smiling.

Sirius snorted. "Nice of you to finally show up." Tonks was almost shocked at how quickly and easily Sirius was able to revert back to his usual sarcasm.

"Forgive me for tending to my responsibilities. Nearly everyone else has gone now, though, and I was going to make some tea. Would either of you fancy a cup?"

"I'll go make it," Tonks replied, jumping up from the sofa.

"It's alright, Tonks," Remus replied, "I'm already up, so I can just -"

"No, I insist. I'll go make it, I forgot my sweater downstairs anyway. Why don't you two catch up?" She threw a pointed look to Sirius, who rolled his eyes but nodded imperceptibly as Remus shrugged and came into the room, taking a seat on the sofa Tonks had just vacated.

She headed down into the kitchen and set the kettle to boil without magic, figuring she would try to give them as much time as possible before it became suspicious. She hoped Sirius would actually say something; it wasn't like him to open up so suddenly, and she figured that this must have been something that'd been weighing on him for awhile, and had only been brought to the forefront by Snape's nastiness earlier that evening.

Once the kettle had boiled, she prepared three cups of tea, setting them on a tray under a warming charm as she sat down at the table. She pulled an abandoned copy of the Daily Prophet over to her, setting to work on that day's crossword.

She didn't realize how absorbed she had become until she heard footsteps and looked up, startled to see Molly Weasley standing in the doorway. "Hi, Molly," she said, setting down her quill. "I didn't realize you were still here."

"Yes, we had gone home already but Arthur left his scarf here," Molly replied, nodding at a scarf draped over the chair a few places down from Tonks at the table. "How are you, dear? I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to chat after the meeting." She sighed. "It was just a long meeting, and Arthur still gets tired rather easily now, so we cleared out fairly quickly once it ended."

"I'm alright, Molly, thanks for asking. How are the kids?"

"Oh, they're fine," Molly replied, picking up her husband's scarf and winding it around her hands. "By the way, dear, Sirius and Remus were asking for you. They're in the library."

"Oh," Tonks said. "Right. I was making tea for us and then got a bit distracted."

"Yes, I know how addicting those crosswords are," Molly said, giving her a small smile. "Well, I must be heading back so that Arthur doesn't start to worry. I will see you on Friday. Take care, dear."

"Bye, Molly."

Tonks managed to make it up the stairs with the tray of tea in one piece, entering the library to find Sirius and Remus chatting and joking so casually that she wondered rather crossly if she had given the two of them all that time alone for nothing.

"Tea service," she said loudly, setting the tray down on a side table and taking a seat next to Remus on the settee. Sirius grinned at her from his chair.

"Thought you forgot how to make tea for a moment, there. Or that you might have drowned in it. We had to send Molly down as a search party."

"Oh, shut up," she snapped. Remus laughed, nudging her knee with his.

"Thank you for the tea, Tonks," he said, reaching out to take a cup. As he ducked his head to take a sip of his tea, Sirius caught her eye and mouthed _thank you_. She gave him a small nod, smiling as she turned to press a quick kiss to Remus' cheek.

"Mmm. You can properly thank me in private later." Remus coughed, choking slightly on his tea.

Sirius made a noise of disgust. "You two are revolting, you know that?" She rolled her eyes, sticking her tongue out at him. But she could tell from the way Sirius was still looking at her that something had been lifted from his shoulders.

She planted another sloppier kiss on Remus' cheek, laughing as he leaned away, blushing. "C'mon, Sirius, can't I just enjoy spending time with my two favorite boys?"

Sirius made another retching noise. "If that's how you treat _all_ your favorite boys, I don't want it. That's a Black family tradition I'm trying not to follow, thank you."

They spent the rest of the night sipping on tea and firewhiskey in front of the fire, chatting and arguing as Sirius cheated during their game of Exploding Snap. But Tonks was relieved to see that despite the usual moodiness that still crossed his features, Sirius looked the best she'd seen him in months.

Sirius was dead four days later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Hope y'all are doing well and that you and your loved ones are staying safe and healthy. I debated not even addressing this, but I just wanted to drop a quick note because I know some people sometimes get rather upset about certain ships - I have always read both Remus and Tonks as bisexual, and so my headcanon is that Remus and Sirius were together for a bit in school, and then Remus and Tonks fall in love later in life. I know that it's not canon, and that everyone interprets the characters and their relationships differently, but that's my interpretation and that's the beauty of fanfiction, is getting to see all the different ways people flesh out these characters for themselves.


	3. Chapter 3

NOTE: I've upped the rating on this fic due to a part of this chapter - it's nothing at all explicit, but an *ahem* adult activity is slightly more than implied here, so I'm just being extra safe.

* * *

Tonks paused for a moment on the front steps of the cottage, leaning heavily against the doorframe as she waited for the faint stars bursting at the corners of her vision to dissipate. Perhaps it _had_ been stupid to apparate so soon after being released from the hospital with a head injury, but there was no way she was not going to come see Remus the morning after this transformation. The first transformation without Sirius.

She had woken up in St. Mungo's, groggily aware of a rough, masculine-feeling hand gripping hers tightly as she stirred. When she'd finally managed to pry her eyes open, Remus had been slumped in the chair next to her bed. He looked as if he hadn't slept for days. He'd been the one to break the news to her. She'd cried, and felt guilty as she did so. She didn't deserve to fall apart about this in front of him. She'd loved her cousin, but she hadn't known him for nearly as long or as well as Remus had, not really. And she couldn't banish the ugly, creeping tendril of a thought that maybe if she'd been just a bit quicker, if she'd managed to hit Bellatrix, Sirius would still be alive.

Yet, she'd cried. And through the tears, she'd felt a niggling concern at the detached way in which Remus had informed her. Eyes staring down at her bedsheets, his grip on her hand loosening ever-so-slightly. His voice, monotone, cracking only a little bit as he said the words. His hand pulling away from hers to wipe a tear from her face, only for him to withdraw his touch from her cheek as quickly as if he was afraid he'd hurt her. The way he'd informed her that her parents were on their way, they'd want to see she was awake, and it was better that he leave now. The way he had made her promise not to show up to help him after the fast-approaching full moon. That her recovery was more important, that he'd be perfectly fine.

Of course he wouldn't be fine. But she'd just nodded, head still fuzzy with pain and the indescribable feeling of fresh loss and murky grief as he gently kissed her forehead - after a slight hesitation that she almost hadn't noticed - before striding quickly out of her hospital room without another word.

And now, here she was, standing on the front stoop of his family cottage. Nestled at the foot of a small hill, it was rather isolated from the nearby village in the Welsh countryside, and it had been looking more and more dilapidated every time she was here. She took a deep breath and lifted her wand to the door. She was usually a bit more delicate in the way she tried to chip away at his self-imposed barriers, but now was not the time. She was crashing through the barriers today.

She managed to get through the wards on his front door - unchanged since the last time he had shown her how, so she wondered if maybe he did still expect her to show up.

She stopped briefly in the kitchen, setting her bag on the table and feeling her apprehension grow as she took in the bloodied rags, a jar of essence of dittany left open on the counter. There was a smear of blood next to the jar, and several more spots of blood on the table; it wasn't like Remus to not clean up at least a little before dragging himself to bed. She turned towards the bedroom, her pace quickening as she noticed more blood on the floor; pressing against the door, she noticed that the handle had been stained with a red handprint.

As the door creaked inwards, she was relieved to see he had at least gotten to the bed, though it looked as if he had simply sprawled across it on his stomach atop the blankets. He'd managed to pull some clothes on, though he was wearing what appeared to be only a jumper and a pair of boxer shorts. The Auror in her did a quick impartial scan of his body for injuries, noting with slight relief that the bandages across his legs and hands looked relatively properly applied, but also realizing with dismay that there were more bandages than usual. She closed the door with a soft click, and picked up the spare quilt at the end of the bed; he stirred as she gently draped it over his lower body.

"Tonks? Is that you?" She winced; his voice sounded painfully raw.

"Wotcher, Remus," she responded quietly, making her way around the side of the bed and kneeling down on the floor so that her face was level with his.

"I told you not to come, Tonks." His eyes were still closed.

"You didn't really think I was going to leave you alone for this one, did you? _Especially_ once you asked me to stay away. That's practically guaranteeing I'd come, you of all people should know that." She gave him a small smile as he let out a quiet snort; she couldn't tell if it was amusement or irritation. Likely both.

"'M fine," he mumbled, cracking one eye to look at her blearily. "You should be resting."

She scoffed. "I'm fine, Remus. Healers said I'm all good to go. Just have to watch for some dizziness the next few days, but it's nothing I can't handle." He opened both eyes now to ensure she saw his disapproval. She rolled her eyes, then gently touched his cheek. "I'm really alright. I was worried about you. Have you had any water yet? What about some toast?"

He blanched, squeezing his eyes shut again as his face went slightly green. "No food. Not yet."

"Nauseous?"

"Mm. Very."

"Okay." She stood up. "Water at least though, alright? And I'll make you some tea, maybe that'll help settle your stomach. You've got to get some fluids, okay?" She received a quiet grunt in reply and decided that was good enough before she headed back to the kitchen.

She put the kettle on and opened the cupboard, rummaging around for the teabags she knew would be here. Pulling the tin off the shelf, she hesitated as she saw something glint from the back of the cupboard. She set the tea down on the counter and reached for the small purple bottle, already knowing what it was and feeling her blood run cold at the thought.

She stood still in the kitchen for a moment as the kettle whistled, the bottle of wolfsbane clutched tightly in her hand. Maybe Snape had made too much this month, and this was an extra dose? She knew that this was unlikely; the potion was so precise and difficult to brew that Snape always made the exact amount Remus would need each month.

She made her way back to the bedroom, setting the tea on the bedside table and kneeling near Remus' head again. He blinked his eyes open slowly, humming gratefully as she held a glass of water to his cracked lips. He shifted to sit up slightly, taking a few tentative sips before eagerly gulping down the rest of the glass.

"Thanks," he murmured, sinking back down into the bed. She set the empty glass down and sat back on her heels, chewing her lip as she thought of how to word what she wanted to say next.

"Remus," she began slowly, "I promise I wasn't snooping. But I was looking for the tea in the cupboard and I found...did you miss your last dose of wolfsbane?"

He was silent for a moment, eyes closed as he laid back against the pillows. "I didn't forget," he finally replied. "But yes."

"But...why would you -"

"I've gotten too used to having it. Can't depend on it."

She gaped at him. "Remus, that's mad. Snape makes it for you every single month. On _Dumbledore's_ orders. I know that Snape's not exactly president of the Remus Lupin fan club, but he's not going to stop for no reason. Did you really -"

"'S not what I mean," Remus mumbled. It sounded as if each word was costing him an infinite amount of energy. "Might not have it forever. Need to remind myself what it's like. Without the potion. Just in case."

Tonks felt herself growing angry. "And you thought _now_ was the time to test that out? Your first transformation after...after…"

"'M fine, Dora," he replied. "It went alright."

"Did it, though? Because to me it looks like you bled out all over your kitchen before making it to bed," she snapped. She immediately regretted the harshness of her tone when he winced, and she softened her voice. "I'm sorry, Remus. I'm just worried. You should have told me - you should have told _someone_ you were planning on skipping the wolfsbane. What if you had seriously hurt yourself? And why do you keep saying you can't get used to having it?" He didn't respond. "It's daft. Did Snape say something to make you think he might stop brewing it for you? Because if he did, I'll -"

"No, Tonks," he muttered. "'S fine. I'm fine. Please."

She pressed her lips together to keep from retorting as she begrudgingly admitted to herself that now was not the time; she would interrogate Remus on his stronger-than-usual self-destructive tendencies when he was feeling better."Okay," she whispered. "Okay. Sorry." Her anger faded as quickly as it had appeared as a look of genuine regret flitted across his face.

"S'alright. Sorry for scaring you." His voice was fading again; it sounded as if he was drifting back to sleep.

"No, no. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be pushing you right now, we'll talk about it later. You need to rest."

"Sorry, Dora." She shushed his apology.

"Don't be. I was being a jerk. Tea's on the table," she murmured, gently pushing a sweaty lock of hair from his feverish forehead. "I've placed it under a warming charm. For whenever you feel you can drink it without retching."

"Thanks. Love you." His voice was raw and raspy and nearly unintelligible, but she froze for just a second, her hand still touching his face as she registered his words. His eyes suddenly snapped open, wide and panicked as they locked onto hers.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, still staring at her. She shook her head, resting the back of her fingers against his cheek as they scratched against the stubble there.

"Don't be. Please don't say sorry." Her voice was soft, and she wasn't even sure he had heard her as his eyes were fluttering closed again now. But she had seen the look in them before the panic flooded in. She knew he'd meant it.

"I'm sorry," he murmured again. "S'okay…'f you don't want…" he was already drifting back to sleep. Tonks felt her heart clench painfully as she looked down at his face.

She'd been thinking about it for awhile now. There'd been one night a month or two prior; they'd been in bed together, their usual post-sex banter taking a turn towards more serious topics, as it sometimes did late at night. She'd asked him about his scar; The Scar. He'd told her about the night he was bitten while tracing idle circles on her bare shoulder with one lazy finger, and halfway through his story, she noticed he hadn't been talking about it with the sort of shy reluctance that usually accompanied any story that involved him opening up about himself. She'd realized how completely he trusted her. And in that moment, she'd suddenly found herself struck by the strength of her feelings for the man lying next to her; she'd had the thought that she would do anything for him. She would do anything to protect him. And it had scared her. The intensity, the suddenness of it. She'd thought maybe it was just the post-sex high that taking up residence in her brain; give it time and the feeling might dull. She didn't want to say anything rash and ruin what they had.

But she couldn't stop thinking about it. She thought of it whenever he spoke up in Order meetings in that gently confident way of his, when they were eating supper or sharing a tea or coffee at some late hour of the night. She thought about it when she laid with her head in his lap as he quietly read in the library, when he kissed her, when she thought about the way he said her name when he was inside her, when she woke up to him at her bedside in St. Mungo's. It was always there. The feelings didn't weaken; if anything, they grew stronger than she'd even anticipated. She'd had the rather terrifying thought that she wasn't sure she'd ever felt this way about someone before.

Standing slowly, she came around the other side of the bed and carefully slipped into the bed behind him, laying a gentle hand over his waist. "Of course I love you too, you muppet," she whispered back. From the deep, even sound of his breathing, he was asleep again.

She should have been happy. Doesn't being in love make you happy? But she couldn't ignore the sinking apprehension at the look she had seen in his eyes when they'd opened, when he'd apologized. He hadn't taken it back, but he'd apologized. Certainly the words "I'm so sorry" were not meant to follow so closely the words "I love you," were they?

Several hours later, she awoke to an empty bed, the room grey with early afternoon's light. When she entered the kitchen, Remus was already sitting at the table, a plate of dry toast and a mug of tea in front of him. He gestured to the seat across from him, where he'd prepared her a cup of tea as well. She sat down heavily, trying to ignore the butterfly-like nerves that had taken up residence in her stomach.

"How are you feeling?"

"Better," he replied. He did seem slightly improved - certainly better than he had been earlier that morning - but he still looked drained and rather ill.

She clasped her hands around her mug, relishing the warmth it provided her in the chilly kitchen. "Remus?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

She wanted to be sure he heard her words and that he knew she meant them. She wanted to hear him say it again, too. But she remembered the haunted look in his eyes the night before when he'd realized what he'd said. And so she somehow knew something - what, exactly, she couldn't say - but she knew something was coming before he said it. Even before he let out a heavy sigh.

"I'm...I have to tell you something." _There it is._ "I'm going away, Dora."

"What d'you mean, away?" she asked slowly.

"I met with Dumbledore a couple days ago. He wants me to...he needs me to infiltrate a werewolf pack." He paused. "Specifically, Greyback's pack. He needs me to be a spy. For the Order. I'll be away for...I'll be away for a long time. At least several months, likely longer."

She sat dumbly as the words slowly sunk in. "Dumbledore's sending you...to live with Greyback. The one who bit you?"

He sighed. "Yes. It's...believe me, I don't relish the task, but...Greyback is more or less aligned with Voldemort. The Order needs someone who can gather intelligence from this association. But the...the werewolves don't truly trust anyone. So if there's a chance - any chance at all - that some of them could be convinced to come to our side, well…" he fiddled with his plate. "It's worth a shot, don't you think?"

"It's worth a shot? I don't…" She frowned. "This is so dangerous, Remus."

"That's what I signed up for when I joined the Order. Both the first time and this time around," he replied stiffly. "It's part of the job, Tonks, this is just -"

"I'm aware of the risks, Remus, I'm in the Order too, I'll have you remember. But this just seems foolhardy. Won't he recognize you? Won't Greyback recognize you?" She felt annoyance start to prick at her.

"Likely. But I'm sure I'll be able to convince him - convince him that I've had my time in the wizarding world, it didn't work out, that I never really belonged here so I've finally seen the light -" These were the words, pronounced with such a confidence that she was sure some part of him really believed them, that finally made the rubber band of anger in her chest snap completely.

She slammed a hand down on the table, equal parts gratified and ashamed to see Remus jump as their teacups clattered slightly. "They're going to kill you!" she yelled. He looked at her, eyes wide and startled. "This is a suicide mission, Remus - if they find out what you're doing, they'll murder you. They won't show you any mercy. They're cruel. They'll just - they'll just -" she felt panic rising in her chest as the gravity of this mission continued to fully sink in. "They'll tear you apart and leave you to die in the middle of-"

"You're the one who's always telling me that werewolves are people too," he snapped. She was unable to stop the hurt from flashing across her face, and he looked as if he instantly regretted his words.

"That's not fair, Remus," she replied quietly, her voice wavering. "You know that's not what I'm implying. Werewolves _are_ people and that's why I'm so scared for you. Greyback is an evil man. He's _cruel_. Not because he's a werewolf, but because of the things he does. He's a Death Eater. I would say the same thing if you were going to live with the Malfoys or the Dolohovs for the next six months. You're going to live with someone who attacked you _as a child_ in order to get back at your father. I don't - I can't _believe_ Dumbledore is asking this of you -"

"It's my duty to the Order, Tonks," he said wearily. "And to Dumbledore. I owe him my...I wouldn't _be_ here if it weren't for him."

"And now as repayment, he's asking you to just throw yourself to the wolves?" she replied nastily.

"Please don't say it like that, Dora," he said quietly. She looked down, instantly ashamed.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I'm just - I'm so worried for you."

"I know."

"I'll miss you."

"I know," he repeated, his voice gentler now.

She sighed. "Alright. I'm sorry. It's just - I'm going to be worried sick about you, you know. But I...I respect that you feel you have to go." She still had some feelings towards Dumbledore that she'd sort through later, but she had to get through this conversation first. "So when you go on this mission, then," she continued, trying to keep her voice even, "we'll still see each other a bit, yeah? You'll get to show up to some meetings occasionally, I'm sure, and I know it'll likely be dangerous for you to write, but if you can manage it, maybe you can send a letter here and there so I know you're alright." She swallowed. And I mean...it won't be forever, right? Maybe I'll see you around Christmas, and then -"

"Tonks," he said softly, cutting her off. "No. I think it's...I think it's best if we don't...if we aren't together. Anymore."

She stared at him. "What?"

"I...this is going to be a dangerous mission. Greyback is...what you said before, you're right. He's dangerous. _Incredibly_ dangerous. I _cannot_ risk him finding out your association with me. It's indescribably risky. I don't even know how to explain to you how dangerous it is. How dangerous _he_ is. I don't even want to think about what he would do if he discovered that I had...if he discovered that I have someone I - I care about. It would be safer for you if we just...if we cut ties. Completely." He was staring down at the table now, steadfastly avoiding her eyes, but she could tell by the way his hand was shaking slightly as he attempted to pick up his tea before quickly setting it back down that he was feeling more than his expressionless voice was letting on.

She felt as if her heart was in her throat. She swallowed, watching him for several long, silent seconds before she managed to find her words. "I don't...what? What are you saying?"

"It'll be safer this way for you. While I'm gone."

"But once you're back-"

He sighed heavily, rubbing at his temples with one hand. "No, because it'll also be safer for you once I'm... _if_ I come back. I've been thinking about it, and...you can do so much better, Tonks, honestly. It constantly amazes me you even give me the time of day, and I will be forever grateful for the time we spent together." Tonks felt her chest becoming tighter as he continued, still refusing to meet her eyes. "People know who I am. They know _what_ I am. I will never be considered a normal man in our world. Your reputation, your career, your entire _life_ would be adversely affected by continuing to be involved with me, Tonks. I just...I can't knowingly put you through that. It would be so unfair." He took a sip of his tea, his hand still trembling. "Add on top of all of that the fact that I am going on a mission that I - that I may not come back from, and-"

"Don't say that. _Do not_ say that."

"It's true, Tonks. You were absolutely right, there's a chance I might die." His voice shook slightly. "And that's why I don't want you to be saddled with this. With having to worry about me. Once I've gone on this mission - once I've left-"

"Tell me you don't mean it." The part of her mind that felt like it was watching this scene as an external spectator was proud of how steady her voice was, despite the nausea roiling in her stomach and threatening to upend her at any moment.

"I already told Dumbledore I would go, Tonks. I have to, for the Order. I can't -"

"Not that. I'm talking about what you said to me earlier. When you were in bed." His face crumpled. "Tell me you don't love me, Remus. That's the only way this will make sense for me. I'm willing to make things work in a difficult situation. It's war. You have a mission, I understand that. I don't like it, but I understand it. But I'm not going to chase after someone who doesn't feel the same way I do. Tell me you didn't mean it."

"You know I can't do that." His voice was barely audible.

"Then none of this makes any sense." She reached for his hand, gripping it tightly. "Fine, I won't write you at all while you're with the pack. I don't want to put you in danger, that's the last thing I'd want. And it'll suck for a few months. But why does that mean we can't see each other whenever you're back? Or when the mission is over? I've told you I don't give a shit about any of that other stuff. It's kind of insulting that you think I _would_ care, frankly." He suddenly pulled his hand out of her grasp, wrapping it around his mug instead, and she felt as if she'd been winded by a punch to the gut.

"It's just better this way, Tonks."

"For me or for you? Because I'm not really seeing how this is going to be better for me. You do _not_ get to decide what's better for me. I'm not a child." Her voice shook with suppressed anger.

"That's not what I'm saying." He sounded as if he was pleading with her now. "I just...I can't do this to you, Tonks. You don't deserve to go through this."

"I'm in fucking love with you, Remus. That means I'm willing to go through this. I want to make it work. That's what being in love means, right? Even the shit parts. It just takes a little bit of extra work, that's all. Whatever we can -"

"It can't. It won't work. It just won't," he replied shortly. "It's more than just a little bit of extra work to be with me. It will _always_ be like that. I will never not be a werewolf. It's a burden that...that I don't want you to be saddled with. That I shouldn't have thrust upon you. And that's why I'm telling you now that it _won't_ work."

"You know I've never given a shit about you being a werewolf, so you do _not_ have the right to use that as an excuse," she said indignantly. "You thrust nothing upon me and it is _not_ a burden on me, don't be an arse. As for the danger, it's _war!_ There's danger all around me no matter what! I'm a bloody _Auror_ , I'm far more likely to be hurt in the field than I am because I'm with you!" He blanched slightly, but she couldn't stop herself. "It's the truth! I'm telling you that _I'm_ willing to take the risk and to put in the work. This isn't...it's not just you who gets to make this decision, Remus. If the only reason you think we can't be together is because of things you think _I_ supposedly feel or will feel, that's not...you don't get to decide what _I'm_ comfortable with." She took a breath, deep and shuddering. "So I don't see what the problem is besides the fact that maybe you don't feel the same way, then. And if that's the case, then _that_ I can understand. It'll fucking break my heart at this point, I suppose, but I would respect that. That's a normal reason and it would be far easier for me to accept that. And if that's the case, then sure, I'll leave you alone forever."

"Tonks, please. Stop. I told you I can't...I can't say that." His face was in his hands now, and she would have felt guilty for continuing to push him if she didn't feel as if the floor had suddenly disappeared out from underneath her. "I can't lie to you."

"You're going to make a shit spy, then," she snapped.

"I can't lie _to you_. I don't...I want this even less than you do, Dora. Believe me. You don't know how hard it is for me to be saying this to you right now." He let out a huff of frustration, scrubbing at his face. "This is why I told you not to come today."

She stared at him. "So what, you were going to break up with me by owl? Or were you just going to fuck off without a word and plan on never seeing me again?"

He flushed. "No, I...no. I would never do that to you."

"Then why -"

"I just...this isn't how I wanted to have this conversation." She huffed in disbelief; how _had_ he thought this conversation would go? "But...regardless. We're having it now, and...I'm sorry, Tonks. It's just better this way. Better for you."

"God, you're a condescending git. Is it really better for me, though? Because I don't quite understand why you're making this decision for me. In what world would I feel _good_ about telling a man I'm in love with him and then having him run off on a suicide mission a few hours later?" She was starting to lose control over the volume of her voice again, and she hated it. She hated feeling as if she were a child having a tantrum. Yet she couldn't find the energy within her to filter the things she was feeling, the things she was saying as they argued in vexing circles around what she thought was possibly the stupidest reason for breaking up with someone in the history of breakups.

"I don't know how else I can say to you that you deserve better."

"Well, you don't need to because if you'd let me have a say in the matter, I'd say there _is_ no better for me right now _._ I want _you_ , Remus, not this bizarre idea of 'better' that you've got stuck in your brain. I wouldn't have spent the past few months seeing you in all my spare time, shagging you, sleeping in your bed nearly _every single night_ if I hadn't wanted to. If I hadn't wanted you. I don't - I don't know how else to make you understand that I-"

"This is all my fault," he muttered. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have let this get this far -"

"How dare you," she replied, voice quavering. "How dare you act as if this was your decision and your decision alone - I thought we were _partners_ in a relationship, Remus, it's not as if you knocked me over the head and forced me to spend time with you. I wanted this as much as you." She looked down into her tea. "Or I thought you wanted this, anyway."

"None of this has anything to do with the way I feel about you, Tonks," he replied quietly. "I - you _know_ how much I care about you. That's what I'm trying to say. But that's precisely why we can't be together. It's just not safe for you. No matter how hard I try to fit into normal society, I will never be seen as a normal wizard, as a normal man. I can't drag you down with me because of that. It's not fair to you. You have your whole life ahea-"

"Merlin, what are you _on_ about? Will you stop saying that?" She squeezed her eyes shut in frustration, willing the pressure behind them to dissipate before it turned into angry tears. "You _are_ a normal man! Just because there are bigots who want you to believe the contrary doesn't mean you aren't. Christ, Remus, you are bloody infuriating! You know I _hate_ it when you talk about yourself like this. As if you aren't human. I absolutely _despise_ it."

"For god's sake, Tonks, the first time we met was when you escorted me down to the _Beast_ division of the Ministry!" Now it was his turn to raise his voice, but Tonks was almost relieved. She was angry - she wanted him to feel angry, too. She wanted physical evidence that he was feeling even a fraction of the emotional whirlwind that was tearing through her body right now. "You were my _law enforcement_ escort for my interview to register as a bloody _dark creature_!"

"And you don't think I've thought about that?" she yelled. "All the time, you don't think I feel fucking _horrible_ that that was our very first interaction? How guilty I felt about that? How badly I _still_ feel about that? You talk about me deserving better, but you don't think that maybe this all makes me feel like _I_ don't deserve _you?_ That _you_ could do better than me?" He'd opened his mouth to respond, but now shut it promptly, brows knitting together, as if this point of view wasn't something he'd ever before considered. She rather knew he hadn't.

"What do you mean? Why would you feel guilty?" He looked genuinely bewildered; Tonks had to fight the urge to shake him by his shoulders.

"The fact that I was - and I am still, really - complicit in a system that makes you feel as if you don't deserve to exist in this society? A system that's making you feel that you - that you'd be better off running to your fucking _death_ than staying here, surrounded by people who love you -"

"You were just doing your job, Tonks." He was rubbing his temples now, eyes squeezed shut. "That's not what I meant when I said that. You know I've never begrudged you that."

"I know you haven't, and that's what makes it even worse! I _want_ you to feel angry that that's the way you're treated, I want you to acknowledge that it's wrong!" He was shaking his head now.

"No, that's - forget I said anything about that. I'm sorry. You should just forget about me, Tonks. It'll be hard at first, but eventually you'll-"

"Why the hell would I want to just _forget_ about you?" she cried. "I couldn't even if I _tried_ , Remus, do you realize how fucking _stupid_ you sound right now? You should hear yourself, honestly. First of all, we're in the Order together, so even if I never wanted to hear your name ever again it's virtually impossible. Second of all, there's the fact that I'm absolutely fucking _mad_ about you -"

"Well, don't be, then," he snapped. "I'm a pathetic disaster of a man and I've honestly never deserved your attention in the first place. I was foolish to think that perhaps I did, and I was a fool to think that this wouldn't end badly." She felt her heart drop at the look of disgust and self-loathing that flashed across his face. She'd thought she could show him that he was special. Why couldn't he see why she thought he was so special?

She thought he'd been happy. She'd never expected his insecurities to disappear overnight, of course not; she knew that there would always be that hurdle with him, that the werewolf would always be in the room with them in some way, shape, or form. But she'd felt they were making progress. He'd seemed happier, _lighter_ , somehow, the past few months. She thought back to New Years, when they'd been dancing; Sirius had cut in, whirling a protesting Remus away, and then she and Sirius had taken turns stealing Remus away as their dance partner, and he hadn't been able to stop laughing. He'd looked the youngest she'd ever seen him look that night as the two of them dragged him round the dance floor. She thought about the mornings they'd woken up together; the first few times, he'd had that look on his face as if he still couldn't believe his luck, but slowly that look had disappeared and been replaced by one of genuine content, as if he'd finally realized that she wasn't going to suddenly regret fucking a werewolf and up and disappear on him.

He was continuing, voice slightly shaky now. "You're young, beautiful, intelligent - you've got a great career, you've got your whole life in front of you. You don't need to be chained to the baggage that comes with being in a relationship with a werewolf who's thirteen years older than you and can't hold down a job for more than three weeks at a time. I'm - I'd deluded myself with the thought that perhaps you really could be happy with me, but it was selfish and I shouldn't have -"

She fought the urge to throw her tea at him. " _Stop._ Stop this self-sabotage bullshit. You sound like a fucking idiot. And I have some advice for you," she seethed. "You wouldn't _be_ such a fucking pathetic disaster if you just let people bloody care about you, Remus! Like normal people do! Give it a try and let someone in sometime! It's quite nice to connect with other people once you learn how to stop being so emotionally crippled, actually!" He looked at her, anger flashing in his eyes before he looked back down at the table, his face going carefully blank again. She'd wanted to hurt him, to make him feel a fraction of the hurt he was causing her, but she immediately regretted her words. But it was too late to take anything back now.

"That's precisely my point. I'm _not_ normal, and I never will be, no matter how much I - or you - wish it to be so. No matter how unfair it may seem, I will always be defined by my condition and that comes with baggage I've carried nearly my whole life." His voice was quiet, and she could tell she had hurt him. "I will never be able to be 'normal' for you."

"That's - that's not what I meant -" she stammered. "When I said 'normal' I just meant - I just meant you have to open up, Remus, you have to accept that people love you and care about you, and I know it's hard but I want to help you with that, I - I didn't mean to downplay your experiences, I didn't mean anything about you being a werewolf-"

" _Everything_ has to do with me being a werewolf. That's what you're not seeing. I just don't think you understand, Tonks. And this conversation is proving me quite right, in fact. Being with me will lead to nothing but hurt and disappointment for you."

She glared at him, inhaling sharply as she bit back another retort; she was starting to feel rather patronized. He continued staring down into his lap, avoiding her eyes. She sighed, feeling some of the fight deflate out of her. She was tired.

"Remus, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have - I shouldn't have said all those things, it was childish, I'm just frustrated-"

The fiery anger in her stomach abruptly turned to ice as he pushed his chair back from the table and she realized the conversation was over. He flatly excused himself back to his bedroom, still never managing to look her directly in the eyes.

And so she sat silently in his kitchen, staring down at the table as she heard his bedroom door slam shut. Their tea sat before her still, growing colder with each passing second. She shivered, then got up, pulled on her cloak, and left without another word.

* * *

The snow had been falling steadily all evening, blanketing Hogsmeade in a soft white landscape that Tonks normally would have found cozy, but now just felt horribly bleak. She remained seated by the window, however, watching the snowflakes flutter their way through the dark sky, softly illuminated by the dim glow of the streetlamps.

Christmas had always been her favorite time of year. Yet when she'd been scheduled to work on the day itself this year, she couldn't help but feel slightly relieved, albeit rather guiltily. She'd miss her mum's feast, the carols on the wireless, and her dad's overly heavy wine pours, but she knew that she wouldn't be able to fully enjoy it this year, not really. Not with Sirius dead and Remus gone and the entire wizarding world just utterly gone to _shit_.

She tried not to think of him, she really did. But it had been impossible. Every time she passed a couple walking the streets of Hogsmeade, no matter their age, she had to look away in order to shield the bitterness she knew was clearly visible on her face as she passed them by. Any time she found herself walking behind any tall man with brown hair (and Merlin, were there a lot of those about) she couldn't help but fervently hope that whenever the man turned around, he'd have the face she most wanted to see - but of course that was never the case. Whenever she thought of something funny, whenever she felt overwhelmed with sadness, Remus was the first one she wanted to tell - but he wasn't here.

She finally drew the blinds, sighing as she flopped down on her lumpy bed. Her accommodations in the Hog's Head Inn left a lot to be desired, but she was honestly grateful for the cramped little room; she wasn't sure she'd have the energy to perform any necessary upkeep on anything larger or flashier.

Duty that day had been a welcome distraction. The only other thing that made her day slightly brighter was the fact that she knew Remus was spending Christmas with the Weasleys. Molly had told her over tea a week or so ago, before not-so-subtly implying that Tonks should pop by before going to see her parents, as well. Tonks was relieved to have her duty shift as an excuse not to go; she wasn't sure she'd have had the willpower to turn down the invitation otherwise, and while she was still angry with him, while she still missed him terribly, she wanted to respect Remus' wishes that they not communicate while he was gone. She was satisfied with the fact that he was at least warm and safe for a few days. She contented herself with imagining what she'd say, how'd she convince him that she wanted him, when he was finally back for good. When he was out of immediate danger and they could begin to think again about potentially rebuilding what they'd had.

Propping herself up on her side, she opened the drawer of her bedside table, hesitating only slightly before pulling out the heavily creased parchment, its edges going soft from endless opening and re-reading and folding back up again for safekeeping. She knew she shouldn't read it, not again, not _today_ , but she didn't have the energy to deny herself the tiniest amount of comfort she received from the familiar scrawled handwriting she knew awaited her once she unfolded the letter.

_Dear Dora,_

_I wanted to thank you for allowing me to stay here in your flat with you for the past week. I think - actually, I_ _know_ _that it was foolish for me to come see you again - I really did not want to leave things on such a bitter note, but I daresay this did not make it any easier for you to forget about me. And yet I am infinitely grateful that you welcomed me in when I showed up at your door instead of yelling at me to leave you alone forever, which is no less than I would have deserved. You really do have such a big heart. Whoever has the immense privilege of being entrusted with it someday will be the luckiest person alive._

 _This time I spent with you was likely the last human interaction_ (she always let out a huff of annoyance at this - even when he wasn't here, she wanted to berate him for implying that he was anything less than human) _that I will have for a very, very long time. I don't think you realize how much of an impact it's had on me that you were still willing to show me such kindness and love, even after I've hurt you so badly - you always have. I will eternally be grateful to you for your kindness._ (She also hated that he talked as if he were a charity case that she'd simply taken pity on).

_You are an amazing person, and I frankly still can't quite believe the luck I've had to have known you. No one's been able to make me laugh as much as you have, nor consistently make me think so much, challenge my beliefs, and generally make me feel more whole as a person._

_I love you, Nymphadora. I am so sorry that I cannot offer you more. And I'm sorry that even the love I could give you is too tainted by what I am to be worth anything at all. I just want you to know that even if I don't come back from this mission_ ("You _will_ come back, you gloomy idiot," she muttered, as she did each time she read it), _my life has been made that much better just by having you in it. And having your love, even for such a brief time, has been an experience that was more than I had ever even hoped for in my life._

_I know it will be hard at first, and I hate myself for - amongst many other things - having put you through this. But it will get easier with time. And I'm not saying you need a partner to feel fulfilled - you've always been fiercely independent, and it is one of the (many) things that made me fall in love with you - but if or when you do need that part of your life fulfilled, you will be that much happier once you've found someone who can offer you infinitely more than what I could ever possibly hope to give. Please trust me on this, even if it is not what you want to hear right now. I wish for nothing more than to see you happy, and the best chance of that happening is for you to leave me behind._

_Please stay safe, and thank you for everything. I love you._

_Love,_

_Remus_

He'd left the note on her bedside table after the last week they'd spent together; he'd shown up on her doorstep the day after their argument to apologize, she'd apologize, and after one thing led to another he ended up staying the rest of the week. They'd spent those days in an uneasy sort of truce, not directly acknowledging the fact that he was leaving soon, but each time they spoke or touched each other being tinged with a sort of heaviness that reminded them that their remaining time together was limited.

Despite reading the words she wished he'd been able to say aloud to her, she felt her heart sink as she read that note for the first time. She knew that for him to write so openly, to put all of his feelings onto paper for her to read, he must really, truly believe that he would not be coming back or that they would not be seeing each other again.

She'd sprung out of bed, hastily pulling a scrap of parchment from her desk and scribbling down a response. She wanted to get an owl to him before he left; she didn't want to put him in any dangerous position by writing to him once he had reached the camp. She knew not to expect an answer, and so she had simply hoped every day since that he had received it, that maybe he'd kept it with him and read it as often as she read his note, though hers had been far briefer:

_Dear Remus,_

_I love you, and you're an idiot. I don't deserve or want anyone other than you -_ _I want you._ _Remember that as you go off on your mission, you overly self-sacrificing prat. I want you and I love you and I need you to keep that with you while you're gone. You are cared for and loved. Remember that. I'll be thinking of you every single day just to spite you, expressly because you've told me to forget about you and that's the singularly most ridiculous thing I've heard because it's simply impossible._

_Be safe. I love you and I'll still love you when you get back. We'll talk then._

_Love,_

_Dora_

As the weeks had gone by after he left, she'd wondered if perhaps he was right - perhaps the sting would fade with time, and she _would_ still love him, but in the way she loved her other ex-partners - loved them for the happiness they'd brought her at the time, while acknowledging that they no longer had the ability to hold that particular place in her life.

But it hadn't, not at all. If anything, the pain of him leaving grew with each day of not knowing whether or not he was okay, of not knowing when she would be able to see him again. She was still waiting for time to dull the constant ache of his absence. Then she'd slowly lost her morphing abilities. But it was easy to blame that on stress - she missed Remus, of course, but her grief over Sirius' death was still uncomfortably sharp around the edges, and with the war gearing up and everything happening at the Ministry she never felt truly at ease anymore.

But then, she'd had to send a patronus while on an Order mission with Mad-Eye. She'd nearly dropped her wand when the large animal had burst forth from its tip. Even Mad-Eye had stared as her patronus padded between them, awaiting Tonks' message even as the words she'd been about to say fled her brain at the sight of the silvery wolf.

"I thought your patronus was a rabbit, lass," he'd said quietly.

"It was," she'd whispered. She hadn't known this kind of change was even possible. And at that moment, she'd given up all hope of ever forgetting about and moving on from Remus Lupin.

The clock chimed eleven as Tonks sat alone in her room on Christmas. Sighing, she folded the note back up and stuck it back in her drawer. Dragging herself out of bed again, she started to put the kettle on for a cup of tea.

She was rummaging around in the cupboard for some biscuits when she heard a knock on the door. It was so quiet she thought she might have imagined it - but then she heard it again. She grabbed her wand, making her way slowly across the room. It was late; her parents would be in bed by now; and whenever Aberforth needed something he just shouted at her from the hallway. No one ever knocked on her door.

She opened the door apprehensively, her stomach twisting as she came face-to-face with Remus.

He looked horrible; she wouldn't have thought it possible, but he was thinner than the last time she'd seen him. His eyes were ringed with dark circles, and it looked as if he hadn't shaven in a few days. His hair was even more grey than it had been months ago. And yet, seeing him standing here on her doorstep was possibly the most beautiful sight she had ever seen.

She stared at him, frozen in the doorway. "Remus?"

"You should ask me a security question," he croaked. He sounded even more exhausted than he looked.

He was right. She held her wand up to his throat. "Okay then. What joke did I play on you after the third time we had sex?"

He looked startled for a moment before the slightest bit of color seeped into his cheeks. At least it made him look more alive. "Tonks -"

"That's an answer only you would know," she replied coolly. "Perfect for a security question, yes? And I must admit that after so much insistence on your end that we never see each other again, I am quite surprised to have you show up at half-past eleven on Christmas. And so I agree that a security question is indeed in order. So I'll ask you again, what joke did I play on you after the third time we slept together?"

From the way he rolled his eyes now, shifting back and forth between his feet with embarrassment, she knew with absolute certainty that this was, indeed, Remus Lupin standing in the dingy hallway outside her door. But she kept her wand leveled at him, glaring. He let out a small sigh.

"You told me - no, you showed me - that you had gotten my full name tattooed on your - erm - on your…" he trailed off. "Well, it was not a real tattoo, obviously you'd morphed it. But it nearly gave me a heart attack."

"And where was the fake tattoo? On my what?" she prompted.

"Jesus, Tonks," he muttered.

"I'll hex you."

"Okay, okay. Your right arse cheek," he snapped. She lowered her wand with a nod, then stepped back.

"Would you like to come in?"

"I - shouldn't I ask you a security question?"

"I think you know now that I'm me and not an imposter, or else that's one too many Death Eaters who knows about our sex life and my right buttock," she replied. "Now are you coming in or not?"

"I - yes. If that's okay. I mean, actually...sorry, I just...I shouldn't have -"

"Just come in, Remus," she sighed. She stood back to let him into her room. He hesitated again. "I was just about to put on a cup of tea. Would you like to join me? You've already come all the way here, I'd...like it if you stayed for a few minutes. If you want to."

He nodded. "Yes - yes, please." He finally entered the room after her, taking a look around the cramped quarters.

"Sorry for the state of it, this place is a right mess. It's not much, and I have to admit I haven't been taking much care of it," she said with a shrug. "Work's been insane, and I -"

"Well, compared to where I've been, it's absolutely lovely." He gave her a tired smile. He was still standing awkwardly by the door. "I feel I'm in Buckingham Palace after sleeping in a cave for six months."

"Will you at least take off your cloak? Pretend like you're going to stay longer than three minutes, perhaps, before leaving again?" She winced as the words left her mouth. She _wanted_ to see him, she'd been dreaming of the moment she'd see him again for months - it wouldn't do any good for her to push him away so quickly. She didn't like how awkward his presence in her small room felt right now.

He at least had started to shrug off his cloak. "Here, have a seat," she said, pulling out a chair near the tiny table. "This table's got enough room for two teacups and that's about it. I don't really have much food here, sorry," she continued apologetically, "but I daresay you had enough to eat at Molly's?"

"Too much so," he replied. "It was delicious, but my...my stomach isn't quite used to so much food at once. And so much rich food, at that." He winced slightly. "I would never tell Molly as I fear she'd either take it as a personal affront or chain me to a bed until I've fully recovered, but I've felt slightly ill all evening."

"I have some ginger tea, if you'd like. It's what my mum always gave me when I'd an upset stomach. Or I've got your usual." She was already pulling out the tin of Earl Grey from her cupboard.

He smiled. "My usual is fine, thanks."

Soon enough, they were sitting across from each other at the small table, two cups of tea in between them. Tonks tried her hardest not to let her knees bump his, but it was impossible in the cramped room. She tried not to think about how bony his legs felt as they pressed against hers under the table.

They sat in silence for a minute or two. Tonks had a million things running through her mind, but she didn't even know where she wanted to - or should - start. She decided to let Remus speak up first so that she had a better idea of where this would be going, so that she wouldn't spook him.

"So Molly said…" Remus started. He paused to stir his tea, then tried again. "Molly said you spent today alone."

"I did."

"I…I'm sorry, Tonks. I figured you would be with your parents today. If I'd known you stayed away from the Burrow because of me, I wouldn't have -"

"Don't be ridiculous, I'm relieved you spent Christmas there," she replied. "I got pulled into a shift today, is all."

He nodded, swallowing. "I just...I know Christmas is your favorite, and if I had ruined it…"

She sighed. "Would you stop blaming yourself for everything slightly inconvenient that may happen to me? I was working, Remus. It's fine. So it was a shitty Christmas. I'll survive." She looked down at her tea.

He looked at her again. "Still. I'm sorry."

"Stop saying that. Don't say you're sorry when you haven't done anything wrong."

"I...don't know if I'd say that, necessarily." He looked at her pointedly. "Your hair is…"

She rolled her eyes. "Christ, if one more person asks me about my morph I'm going to lose my mind. Yes, I've lost my morph. Yes, it's unusual. Yes, it's as bloody annoying as you'd think it'd be. It's just -"

"Is it because of me?" She couldn't stand the concern in his eyes.

"Don't flatter yourself," she snapped. "There's quite a bit going wrong in my life right now, so it's no wonder I can't muster up the energy to keep my hair bright pink. Sorry that everyone expects nothing but color and joy out of me all the time, I just can't deliver on that right now."

"I'm sorry, Tonks. I shouldn't have presumed -"

"And might I say you don't look so great yourself?" she retorted.

He laughed ruefully. "Yes, I'm aware that I've looked better. I'm sorry about - er - this," he said, rubbing a hand across his unshaven chin absent-mindedly. "Molly's very put out that I will not let her touch my hair, either, but I can't be...when I go back to the camp, I can't look as if I've…" he trailed off.

She felt some of her annoyance recede. "I kind of like the scruff," she replied, giving him a small smile. "I didn't mean to snap about my hair, I'm sorry. It's just…" she sighed. "I feel more visible and vulnerable like _this_ than I ever did when I could have crazy hair. And then everyone asks me if I'm okay but their concern always makes me feel worse. And I hate not having control. I _hate_ it. I feel as if I've lost a part of myself. It just feels so...it feels scary."

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

"And you...I don't want you to blame yourself for it. Because it's not just you, but...I do miss you quite a lot, Remus." She fingered the tips of her hair. "Nothing's changed. For me." So much for letting him take the lead.

"But your hair -"

"Not physically, obviously this is a big change. I'm talking about the way I feel about you." He was silent. "And if we still want to talk about things that _have_ changed, actually, I have something to show you." She grabbed her wand. Squeezing her eyes shut, she tried her hardest to concentrate - and after a few tense moments, she opened her eyes again to see the silver wolf padding around the room. Remus was watching it, shocked.

"Harry said - Harry had mentioned your Patronus had changed," he said, sounding rather breathless. "I didn't - I don't…"

"I didn't know it was possible. But there it is." She twirled her wand between her fingers. "I know that likely nothing will convince you at this point, but if you needed any more signs that I'm still completely mad about you despite your best efforts, that would be it." Remus was still watching the wolf with wide eyes.

"It takes...it takes a great emotion upheaval-"

"I thought you were dead," she said abruptly.

"What?"

"I...Remus, I think about you all the time. I can't help it. I know you send...I know why you can't write me, but I know you send your reports to Moody and he reads them at our meetings and I just...there was that month when he said he'd been expecting word from you and then none came for a week and I thought you were dead." Once she started, she couldn't stop. All of her fears that had been building up over the past several months were threatening to bubble over completely. "I couldn't...I tried not to think about it, because rationally, I knew there were several reasons for your report being late that didn't involve you having been killed, but also I just...I couldn't bear the thought of it. I don't know what I'd do. And if you want to chat even more about changes, d'you want to know what my boggart turns into now?" Even now, months after she had encountered the boggart in a closet during a raid, the image of Remus' body sprawled on the floor in front of her, lifeless and bloody and with his neck at an odd angle, was too quick to appear unbidden in her mind and still managed to fill her stomach with ice.

"Tonks, I -"

"I thought you were _dead_ ," she said again.

He gave her a bitter smile. "Well here I am, aren't I? Not dead. Not yet, anyway." He winced at the look on her face. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't say it like that. I just-"

"What are you doing here, Remus?" She suddenly felt exhausted.

He looked back down at his tea, avoiding her eyes. "I...I don't know. When Molly mentioned you, I just-"

"You were so adamant about us never seeing each other again, and then you just show up. And then you say shit like that. Joking about being killed after I've just told you that's my greatest fear. As if you don't even care about the way I feel _or_ yourself. I _hate_ that." She took a deep breath. "Don't get me wrong, I'm relieved to see you in one piece, but I just...I have to know, Remus. I wrote you that note -"

"I still have it," he replied softly.

"I wrote you that note, and I meant what I said in it. But I need to know why you're here. Because I don't know what to think. I don't know what _you_ think. I need to know if you're just here because you - because you felt pity for me when Molly said-"

"I would never pity you, Tonks."

"I'd hope not. I just need to know." She hated the pleading note that had crept into her voice; she felt pathetic. "I just...why did you come here?"

He swallowed convulsively, looking down at his hands. "I don't...I just needed to see you, I suppose. See you for myself and see that you're alright. I know I said we shouldn't see each other at all, but I...I do miss you," he said simply. "I still care about you."

"I...you can't...you can't just show up out of nowhere after telling me you never want to see me again and then tell me -"

He flushed. "I'm sorry," he said quickly. "You're right. I'm sorry. I should never have come, I don't know what I was thinking. I'm so sorry, this isn't fair to you. It was selfish of me, I shouldn't have-" He stood up abruptly, nearly knocking over his tea.

"No!" She shot out of her seat as he started to make his way towards the door. "No, don't go. I'm angry with you, but I also - I missed you too, so don't go yet, please. I'm just…" she let out a frustrated sigh. "I'm just trying to get my thoughts in order, and I can do that with you here. Just because I'm...I'm a bit angry doesn't mean I want you to just go again. Please don't leave yet." He'd paused, standing near the door and looking everywhere around the room but her. "I just don't know what to think, is all. And I know…" she took a deep breath. "I meant what I said in that note, you know. I'm still here. I still love you. None of that has changed." _So why are you so angry now?_ she thought to herself. She was still struggling to wrap her head around the fact that she wanted to shout at him at the same time that she wanted to throw herself at him and kiss him senseless; all she knew was that him showing up on her doorstep had thrown the whirlwind of emotions that had surrounded her the past few months directly into her face, and she'd been completely unprepared to face these emotions now. "It's just that I specifically respected your wishes, Remus, but then you're the one who-"

"I know," he replied, his voice cracking. "I know. Of course you wouldn't know what to think. I'm sorry. I'm weak."

She felt the anger in her chest deflate like a balloon at the look on his face. "Don't say that."

"I am, it's true."

"It's not." He was still refusing to look directly at her. She crossed the room swiftly, laying a tentative hand on his arm. He flinched slightly. "You're not weak. Far from it. I meant everything I said in the note. I may be slightly angry with you, but I still love you and-"

"You shouldn't."

"Shut up and let me finish. I still love you and care about you, and I want you to realize that it's not weak to want to seek out love and comfort. It's not weak to allow yourself to feel cared for and cared about. We all have a need to be loved, it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's what makes us human." She squeezed his arm gently. "I'm sorry for being confusing. The past few months have been difficult for me, but I can't even begin to imagine what it's been like for you. I'm not being fair, either. I really am glad to see you. I'm so glad you came. You know you can always come to me, okay? Even if...even if we've left off in a weird place. Even if you think I'm angry or that I won't want to see you. I'll _always_ want to see you, and I always want to know that you're safe. I need you to know you can always come to me. Even when you feel you have nowhere else to go. Okay?" He stared at her. "May I give you a hug?"

He hesitated for a moment before nodding stiffly. She stepped even closer, tentatively wrapping her arms around his middle.

"I'm only angry because it hurts so much not having you here," she whispered, face pressed against his jumper. It was soft and green; she had a feeling it was a Molly Weasley creation. She felt him take a shuddering breath as he finally wrapped his arms around her, tentatively returning the embrace. "And I mean it about not calling yourself weak." She pulled back slightly, craning her neck to look up at him. He had a pained look on his face. "You're the strongest person I know. You've just been dealt a shitty hand, but even then, you deal with it admirably. And I won't have you talk about yourself as if you don't deserve love, okay? It's insulting, really. It feels as though you're questioning my judgment." She cracked a half-hearted smile. "And I've always prided myself on my impeccable taste."

He didn't return her smile. "I don't deserve it from you. I'm not questioning your judgment, but you deserve so much better. I've been -" He exhaled. "Tonks, I don't think you understand where I've been. What I've been doing. And what - what I am."

"I do, actually." She gave him a squeeze. "You're a brilliant wizard, an amazing man who deserves love as much as any-"

"No." He pulled back now, and for the millionth time since he had shown up outside her door she was saddened by how abjectly miserable he looked. "I don't feel much like a man, anymore. At all. I don't...there's not much food at the camp. What food there is has usually been stolen, or...or hunted."

She was confused. "What does that have to do with-"

"I've eaten _rats_ , Dora." He looked directly at her now, and she was struck by the look of anguish on his face. "I've eaten rats, I've stolen bread, I've - I've-"

"Remus, you're on a mission. You need to _survive_. If that's what it takes to survive, then that's what you need to do, right? I mean, for your sake I wish you had better access to food, obviously. But don't beat yourself up over stealing some bread here and there; there are far worse things that someone could-"

" _No!_ " She took a reflexive step backwards, surprised by the sudden forcefulness in his voice. "You don't _understand_. That's not it. The other werewolves, they - they go out on hunts. On full moons. I've tried to convince them to stay behind, to stay in the woods where they won't encounter any humans, but I can't - I'm not making any headway, Dora." He leaned heavily against the wall. "If I insist too much, they start to become suspicious. And I'm - I'm a coward. I fear what will happen on the day they become _too_ suspicious, and so now I pretend as if I'm going to go with them and apparate away at the last second so that I can spend the night of the full moon in the woods. I break my foot to cripple the wolf, and I don't believe I've encountered any humans myself, but I can't - I don't remember, anymore. I wake up each morning afterwards and I have no idea what's happened. And I can't put a stop to what the others are doing." His voice cracked. "I'm failing, Dora, and I don't know - I don't even know what the point _is_ anymore. I'm not making any headway there, I don't truly belong _here_ -"

"Of course you belong here, Remus," she replied. "You've always belonged here."

"If people are getting hurt or killed by the other werewolves, it's my fault," he continued as if he hadn't heard her. "I don't know what else to do to stop them, but I just can't - and I feel so utterly _useless_." He kept clenching and unclenching his hands at his sides, as if he was trying to control this uncharacteristic outburst of emotion. "I feel useless and disgusting. I _am_ useless and disgusting. I feel like a monster."

"You're not a-"

"Tonks, just listen to me. If you'd seen what I've seen living amongst these other werewolves, you would agree," he snapped. "You wouldn't - you wouldn't even be in the same room as me right now. I've been a fool to think that I could - that someone like me could ever lead a normal life. Sometimes I think - I wonder if I would just be better off dead."

She reached him for the second time that evening in a single quick stride. He jumped, looking down at her with wide eyes as she grabbed his arm more forcefully than she had intended. "Do _not_ ever say that again," she hissed. "I swear to god I will slap you, Remus John Lupin, if you _ever_ say that you'd be better off - that you'd be better off -"

She had never been fully exposed to the depths of his self-loathing like this before, and she wasn't sure she was equipped with the words to properly handle it. Sirius had warned her once, long ago; "Remus is a difficult man to love," he'd said. She'd cracked some joke about the fact that any man who could deal with her clumsiness and off-color sense of humor couldn't be all that bad, but Sirius had gripped her shoulder, and she'd immediately sobered up at the look on his face. "I've never encountered anyone else who thinks of themselves as poorly as Remus does," he'd continued. "He has moments where he's truly happy, I think; moreso now that he's been with you." He'd given her a soft smile. "When he has those moments, it's easy to forget what he's dealt with his whole life, what he's been told his whole life - what he's been telling himself his whole life, about what he is. But I just have to warn you. For both your sake as well as his. If you want to continue in any sort of relationship with Moony, I want you to be properly prepared. It's going to take an enormous amount of work. It's going to get dark."

And how dark it had gotten. She realized she was still gripping his arm, and that he had gone stock-still, but he hadn't pulled away, not yet.

" _Never_ ," she began again, voice trembling slightly with fury, "say that you'd be better off dead." He was still looking down at her with slight shock and some other unreadable emotion on his face. She looked up at him, meeting his eyes defiantly. "It's absolutely not true. And I can't bear the thought of - I don't know what I would do if you were - no, let me finish." He'd begun shaking his head. "Why can't you just believe me when I tell you what kind of man you really are? That I want you? I'm still here, aren't I? I'm right here. Isn't this proof that I want to be around you? That I trust you?"

They were standing close enough that Tonks could see the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, and she felt him shift slightly where he stood. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest; after months without seeing him, hearing his voice, or feeling his touch, standing this close to him was nearly too little and too much all at once. She wondered if he was feeling the same. From the slight hitch she heard in his breathing, she had a feeling he was.

"That doesn't change the fact that you deserve -"

"I don't care about what you think I deserve, Remus. I want you. And I'm willing to be patient." Even as he was shaking his head, she saw his eyes dart down to her lips, his pupils dilating.

"Look at what - look at what I've done to you." He lifted a hesitant hand to her shoulder, softly pushing through the mousy brown locks that were resting there. His fingers softly brushed against her cheek and she reached up quickly, holding his hand there.

"This isn't because of you, Remus. It's because of _not_ having you."

He was staring at her again, and she felt his thumb scuff the corner of her mouth. "I still…"

"I understand you have your mission," she said again, taking the slightest step closer to him so that their bodies were practically pressed together. He still hadn't taken a step back. "I know that. But when you come back…" she darted her tongue out to moisten her lips as her mouth had suddenly gone dry, and she felt the tip of her tongue brush lightly against his thumb. It sounded as if he'd nearly stopped breathing at this point. "Maybe you can try to make me pink again, yeah?" His throat bobbed as he swallowed hard.

They moved in towards the other at nearly the same time, but he was a fraction quicker; he lowered his head to capture her lips with his, reaching up with his other hand to cradle her cheek. She slid her arms around his neck, hungrily pushing her body completely against his. To be able to hold him again, to kiss him again after so long, despite the pain and uncertainty of their conversation, the pain of his absence, was intoxicating. She wasn't sure she had ever been this overwhelmed with desire in her entire life, it was nearly painful.

She moaned into his mouth, and he pulled back suddenly with a small gasp, as if he had come to his senses. "I'm sorry. I'm - you don't want - after I've been living with - after I've been where I've been, you don't want to touch me," he said anxiously, making to take a step back. She wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement, but either way, she couldn't let him believe that it was true.

She grabbed the front of his jumper. "Don't be ridiculous, of course I do. I've been thinking of nothing but this for the past six months." She kissed him again, winding her hands into his hair. He responded to her kiss, though she could still sense some hesitation. "Touch me, Remus," she breathed, letting her lips linger against his ear. "I want you to touch me. I _need_ you to touch me."

He stared at her for another second, looking slightly dumbfounded before he pressed his lips to hers again.

A small part of her brain reminded her that he was going to leave again after this, that their conversation was far from over, that he'd withdraw again; and yet this didn't feel like a mistake. How could it? It felt simply like an opportunity for her to show him why she felt that way she did, to prove to him that she could feel that way about someone like him. To prove to him how special she thought he was. She would _show_ him how she felt about him, that he still belonged here with her.

They staggered to her small bed, wildly discarding clothing along the way. She made sure to touch every single inch of his body that she could reach; she needed him to feel the same way he made her feel.

"We - this - only if you're sure -" She shushed him.

"I need you," she whispered into his ear again, and was rewarded with a groan as he crawled on top of her, pressing another kiss to her lips.

He made frantic love to her; holding her tightly, one hand wound in her hair as he pressed wet, desperate kisses against her neck, his face buried in the crook of her shoulder. She clung to him, as if she could convince him of just how human he was, just how amazing she thought he was, through the strength of her legs wrapped around his waist. She urged him on breathlessly, whispering in his ear about how much she had missed him, how good he made her feel, how much she loved him. His movements became more urgent at those last three words, his hot breaths against her neck more ragged, and so she kept repeating them: I love you I love you fuck I love you.

He panted something against her shoulder that sounded as if it might have been the words 'I love you too,' then he kissed her fiercely as he came, his tongue clashing with hers. She held his face between her hands as his hips slowed their movements, his body finally becoming still and coming to rest between her thighs. She pulled his head down for another kiss, less frenzied and more languid this time as their breathing slowed, their bodies slick with sweat.

"I love you," she murmured against his lips. He rolled off of her, but immediately reached out to grab ahold of her hand as he did so.

"Dora…" he started. She turned to look at him, and he returned her gaze rather mournfully. "I have to -"

"I know you have to leave again." She swallowed. "That doesn't -"

"I'm sorry," he whispered. He dropped a kiss on the top of her head. "I'm sorry I've done this to you, I -"

"Please don't say you regret coming here," she said. "I don't regret anything. You haven't 'done anything to me.' I know you have to go. And I wish you saw yourself the way I see you. I wish you would believe me when I say -"

"I know. I'm - I'm trying. It's just difficult for me. But...I love you." He squeezed her hand. "Please don't ever doubt that. I just wish...I wish I could be more for you."

"I don't want you to be more for me, I just want you," she replied matter-of-factly, wriggling around to press a kiss to his jaw. "And I have patience, Remus. I'm willing to wait for you to realize that I mean that. You're bloody frustrating sometimes, but you have to realize that you can't control the way that I feel. So I'd appreciate it if you'd stop trying to do that."

He let out a rather heavy sigh, though he didn't protest this time, which she decided to take as a small victory. They were both silent for a few moments.

"D'you want the rest of your tea?" she asked finally. "I suppose it's rather cold by now, but…"

"No. I want to just - I like laying here with you."

They laid in her bed for what felt like an eternity, legs tangled together beneath the sheets; she was just starting to nod off with her face pressed against his chest when she felt him stir.

"I have to...I should be getting back to the Burrow," he whispered as she raised her head, blinking sleepily. He pushed a sweaty lock of hair away from her face. "I'm sorry. I wish I could stay, but I have to head out early tomorrow, and…"

"Molly will have your head if she found you left without saying goodbye," she finished with a small smile. "It's okay. I understand. I really am glad to see you, Remus. I just wish...it's just hard. I'm always so worried about you. I miss you so much."

"I know. I'm sorry. I'll...perhaps I'll try to write you, this time." He was pulling his clothes back on now. "If I can. I can't...I can't promise anything, but -"

"I know."

"I didn't mean…" he ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry to just up and go after...I didn't mean to...I hope you know how much you mean to me, Dora." He gestured to the bed. "I didn't mean to…"

"I know, Remus." She gave him a small smile. "I was a willing participant, and I knew that you'd have to leave. It's okay." She sat up, propping herself up against her pillows. "I meant everything I said. I'll be here for you when you return from the pack. For good." She had no idea what he thought about where they stood in their relationship, or lack thereof; deep down, she knew that she would have to start all over again with her convincing once he returned home permanently, and so she couldn't quite find the energy within her now to instigate that line of conversation. She decided instead to try and cling to the small shred of happiness and relief that had come with finally seeing him again, of being able to touch him again.

He nodded, though he still looked rather pained. He fastened his belt, then leaned down to give her another prolonged, desperate feeling kiss. She tried to ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach at the fact that he was kissing her as if it were the last time.

He finally pulled back. "Thank you, Dora, for the tea and for - everything. Happy Christmas."

"Happy Christmas, Remus. Be safe, okay?" He nodded, avoiding her eyes. "And remember that I love you."

He nodded once more, and then he was gone. Again.

She laid back into her pillows, the bed feeling too large and cold now that he was gone. After some tossing and turning, she finally managed to fall into a deep and dreamless sleep, only rousing when she heard an insistent tapping from somewhere in her room.

Raising her head slowly, she blinked the exhaustion from her eyes; everything was still rather dark, but grey early-morning light was beginning to filter in through the window. _Tap tap tap._ Sitting up even straighter, it took her a moment to realize it was an owl at the window. She felt her heart jump when she recognized it as the Weasley's barn owl. She leapt out of bed and hurried over to let it in.

Pulling the scroll from the bird's leg, it immediately took off again without waiting around for a reply. Tonks tried to stifle the sickening feeling unfurling in her stomach as she unscrolled the parchment, having a feeling that she already knew what it would contain. The words were shaky and blotchy, as if it had been scrawled in a hurry.

_Dora,_

_I wanted to sincerely apologize for my behavior last night. I should never have come by - not because I regret seeing you, because you know I could never regret that - but because I've put you into an unfair position. I don't know what I was thinking. It was entirely selfish of me to take advantage of what you are - what you have been - offering me. I know you say you believe in me and that you love me, and I truly appreciate that, more than you know - but being involved with me, especially now - will be nothing but dangerous and miserable for you._

_I know you said several times last night that you would wait for me the next time I come back, but I implore you not to. I am so sorry that I said what I did last night, that I did the things I did last night, as I'm certain I've set back any progress you may have made in trying to move on from our relationship. It is wholly unfair to you and I take complete blame for that._

_You deserve someone whole, healthy, and human - someone who has not spent the better part of the past year scrounging around in the dirt for discarded scraps to eat. Living with the pack these past months has only cemented my belief that I could never deserve someone as brave, committed, beautiful, and loving as you. I love you, but please believe me when I say that it is not enough, as I have nothing else to offer you and likely never will._

_Please do not write back. It was incredibly difficult for me to write this note as I know I'm just causing you even more pain than I've already inflicted upon you - but that's precisely why you must leave me behind and move on. I've caused nothing but hurt for you, and will continue to cause nothing but hurt, and you deserve so much better than I could ever provide you._

_Be safe, and I hope you are able to find true happiness with someone more deserving of your affection and love someday._

_Best,_

_Remus_

Though she'd expected this note to come, she hadn't expected it so soon; and so she crumbled the note violently, tossing it onto her desk before falling into her bed, where she sobbed herself back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's some angst for ya! This ended up becoming longer than I expected, so there will be another chapter after this - and I promise that one will be slightly happier than the mess we've got here :) I hope you're all well, and as always, thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

The Burrow was warm and dry that afternoon, a welcome respite from the miserable drizzle Tonks had put up with throughout her guard duty shift earlier in the day. She shrugged off her Auror’s robes and took a seat at the table, quickly charming her shoes dry before she could track any more rainwater and mud through the Weasley household.

“I’m so glad you could stop by for a bit, Tonks, it’s always lovely to see you. I’ve made a pot of Earl Grey.” Molly set two cups on the counter. “I hope that’s alright, dear?” 

“I actually - can I have something else? Sorry, Molly. Only if it’s not too much trouble.”

“But you always took Earl Grey,” Molly replied, looking slightly confused.

“I know. It’s just that it’s…”  _ Remus’ favorite and I really don’t want to think about him right now because I feel like I spend all my time now worrying about him and I’m sick of it. _ Molly must have realized at the same moment, because she suddenly started rummaging in the cupboard and pulling out several varieties of tea. 

“How about chamomile, love? Something a bit more soothing.”

“Yes, that sounds nice. Thanks, Molly.” 

“Of course. Here you are.” Molly set a steaming mug of tea in front of Tonks, then took a seat across from her at the Burrow’s rickety table, fixing her with a look of concern. Tonks quickly looked down. She always found comfort in her regular chats over tea with the Weasley matriarch in their cozy home, but the way Molly looked at her as if she were to fall apart at any second still made her acutely uncomfortable sometimes. Molly seemed to notice - bless her, for as overbearing as her mothering could sometimes be, she always had been extremely observational when it counted - and set about unwrapping a plate of cakes to push towards Tonks. “So, Tonks, how has work been lately?”

“Oh, you know.” Tonks stirred her tea apathetically. “The usual. Can’t complain. Hogsmeade gets a bit boring but all the nonsense with work has kept me busy, at least.” 

Molly tutted, stirring a cube of sugar into her tea. “And how are you feeling?” 

Tonks gave Molly a half-hearted smile. “As good as I can be, I suppose. I’m really okay.” 

Molly fixed her with a look of renewed concern. “Have you been eating well, dear? I only ask because, well, I know you don’t have much of a kitchen at your room in Hogsmeade, and the Hog’s Head’s food leaves a lot to be desired. And, well, you just look so...tired.” Tonks snorted, and Molly gave her a searching look. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean that as an insult. But I want to make sure you’re eating enough. I worry about you, love.” She reached across the table to pat Tonks’ hand reassuringly. “I have some leftover casserole that is quite lovely and easy to reheat, when you leave I’ll wrap it up so that you can take it with you. There should be enough there to last you several days. And if you stop by over the weekend, I’ll make sure to pack up some pies for you to bring back with you as well.”

“Thanks, Molly, I really appreciate it. That sounds perfect.” Tonks smiled slightly. “And it’s okay, I know I look like shit - sorry - I know I’ve looked better. I just...things have really been quite stressful at work, and I’ve also been…I’ve been worried about...” she sighed.  _ Fuck it. _ She knew that at some point, Molly was going to bring up the subject, so might as well just dive right in. “Have you heard from Remus at all lately?” 

Molly gave her a sympathetic look. “I’m afraid not, dear; last I spoke to Alastor, he was supposed to meet with Dumbledore to discuss his progress at the camp. It sounded like they were perhaps discussing the possibility of...well, I don’t know for sure, of course, and we won’t know until after he meets with Dumbledore and one of them gives an update to the Order. But it did sound like they were discussing a timeline for terminating his mission.” Tonks felt her heart jump into her throat. “But it did also sound like he was planning on staying for at least another month or two before that, likely.” Molly tutted again. “He briefly stopped by a month or so ago to pick up some supplies Kingsley had left here for him; I  _ told _ him to write you at least a small note, but it sounds like he decided not to heed my advice,” she continued disapprovingly. “I tried to talk some sense into that man, but -”

“That’s no use, believe me,” Tonks muttered. “Thanks for trying, though.” 

“He’ll come around, dear. I know it’s hard, with him being gone, and I’m sure he’s - well, I can’t imagine what it’s like for him, living at that camp. But once he’s back, and he has some time to readjust, you two will sort things out. I know it.” Tonks felt her heart break even further at the conviction in Molly’s voice. 

“It’s just...what if I’m wrong, Molly?” She gave a frustrated sigh. “With anyone else, it’s like...I know that a breakup is a breakup, right? If one person wants to break up, you can’t...you can’t force them to be with you. I keep telling myself that this is different, because he says he loves me, but all the reasons he gives for us not being together are all shit - er - stuff I don’t care about and I don’t know how to keep telling him that. I don’t know how to  _ convince  _ him that none of that stuff matters to me. But I can’t force Remus to be with me. What if - what if he doesn’t - and this feels silly to even say, honestly, because on top of all of this I’m just so worried about him, spending each day not knowing whether or not he’s safe. But I also just worry that...what if he doesn’t even  _ actually  _ love me? What if I’m humiliating myself, throwing myself at a man who just doesn’t know how to let me down easy, even though I keep pestering him? What if he’s just being polite - because that would be just like Remus, wouldn’t it, he’s just so bloody  _ nice _ all the time -” 

“Absolutely not,” Molly cut in brusquely. “Tonks, dear, listen to me. I know that Remus is an extraordinarily polite man who puts others’ comfort above his own - to a fault - but I know what a man in love looks like.” She gave her a warm smile as she took a sip of her tea. “Do you remember - there was that meeting, the year the Order was first reinstated - in September, I believe. Do you remember the first time that Alastor insisted we practice dueling with each other?” 

Tonks snorted. “Of course I remember, what a mess. I’m still surprised the drawing room remained intact after what Mundungus and Sirius did to each other.” 

Molly tutted at the memory, but continued. “Anyway, it sounds long-winded, but there is a point to this story so bear with me. I remember that Remus was paired with Hestia - Arthur and I were practicing right next to them. And I - well, I got winded quite easily, and Arthur and I were taking a small break and decided to watch Remus and Hestia duel, and I remember noticing that Hestia was doing particularly well - either that, or Remus was letting her get some hits in, because - well, I’m not saying that Hestia is not a talented witch, not by any means. But it’s common knowledge that Remus is one of the best duelists the Order has. Anyway, she hit him with a particularly strong leg-locker curse, because he overbalanced and nearly knocked me off  _ my _ feet when he fell.” Tonks vaguely remembered hearing a small crash amidst all the rest of the chaos and, glancing over at the opposite end of the room, seeing Hestia frantically apologizing to Remus as she pulled him up off the ground; he’d been grinning sheepishly, brushing himself off once he’d managed to clamber back to his feet. 

“I remember that, wasn’t that just after Sirius managed to hex Dung so hard that his hat somehow ended up caught in the chandelier?”

“Yes,” sniffed Molly. “Anyway, I remember being surprised because of all things she could manage to hit him with - a leg-locking curse is what tripped him up? But then they got back to dueling, and she nearly got him  _ again _ and so I was wondering what it was that was distracting him so. I thought maybe he wasn’t feeling well because of his condition, poor dear, and I almost had half a mind to tell Hestia to go easier on him…” Tonks held back a snort. Remus would have  _ loved _ that. “But then I was watching him, and I realized he was watching  _ you _ . Watching you laugh, more specifically.” Molly was still smiling, but she had a distant look in her eye now. “It reminded me of the way I used to catch Arthur looking at me sometimes, before we were dating. That was the first moment I suspected there might be something between the two of you.” 

Tonks flushed. “Sirius had hit Dung with some stupid curse that made his hair grow really fast, I remember Moody nearly bit my head off because I nearly lost it once Dung started tripping over his own nose hair.” Even now, she bit back a snigger at the memory, and felt a brief rush of gratitude towards Molly for reminding her of such a time. She and Remus had started to become closer at that point, and that was probably around the time she’d started to suspect she might have fancied him as more than just a friend. She had never realized that the feeling was perhaps mutual that early on, however. She certainly would not have suspected that the sound of her laughter would distract him enough that he’d get knocked around by Hestia Jones during the Order’s dueling practice.

Molly was watching her carefully, a faint smile still playing about her lips. “And once you and Remus started...well, once your relationship was out in the open with the rest of the Order, it was apparent to anyone with eyes that the man adores you, Tonks.” 

Tonks scrubbed a hand down her face, sighing wearily. “Honestly, at this point, all I want...all I want is for him to be safe,” she said quietly. “I’m so worried about him, Molly. All the time. It’s bloody exhausting. Every time I hear about another attack, or every time Greyback’s name floats around, I wonder - I wonder if it’s him, if they’ve finally caught onto him and something’s happened, and it’s just so horrible not knowing. Every day I wake up and wonder, is today the day I’m going to get the news that Remus is dead? Or maybe it’s already happened and I just won’t hear about it for weeks because he’s so cut off from everyone?” Tonks swiped angrily at the tears that had started to burn in her eyes. She was so sick of crying. “I know it’s war. I know this is - I know this is what I signed up for, I guess. I’m just so fucking tired, Molly.”

“I know, love,” Molly said softly. “Arthur and I worry about him, too. We all do. But Remus is a clever man. He really is one of the brightest wizards that we know. Even Alastor has said so, and you know that’s high praise coming from him.” She gave Tonks a rather watery smile of her own. “Even if he gets himself into trouble, I have no doubt he’ll get himself right out of it.” 

Tonks sighed. “I hope so. I just -”

They both jumped suddenly as there was a loud banging on the door. Now that the Burrow was serving as Order headquarters, there were several charms and wards set up around the property - it was nearly impossible for anyone who wasn’t an Order member to just wander in.

“Were you expecting someone, Molly?” Tonks reached for her wand as Molly frowned, shaking her head. “You stay here. I’ll go see who it is.” 

“Careful, Tonks -” 

Tonks reached the door and leaned against it, grasping the knob. “Who is it? Reveal yourself.” 

“Open the door, girl. Quick.” Tonks recognized Moody’s gruff voice and opened the door carefully, rolling her eyes. 

“You needn’t put a hole in the bloody door, Mad-Eye, we would have been able to hear you if you’d just knocked like a regular -” She froze as she saw who was standing behind her mentor. She could barely form a coherent thought as she took in the sight of Moody on the doorstep of the Burrow only slightly obscuring a very startled looking, mud-splattered, and bloody Remus Lupin. “I - what - is everything -” 

“Tonks, what is - oh, Merlin,” Molly breathed as she came up behind Tonks. “Remus! What’s happened to you? Hurry, come in -” Tonks stepped back, throwing the door open wide. Remus started to take a step forward before Moody flung out an arm to stop him, glaring at Tonks.

“Security questions, girl, don’t be stupid.”

“Is - Remus, what - is everything -”

“I’m okay,” Remus replied softly.

“Questions, girl!” Moody snapped. 

“Jesus, okay,” she retorted. “Erm - what’s - what color was my hair the first day of my Auror training?” 

“An absolutely obscene shade of orange. And what did I say to you in response?”

“I believe it was something along the lines of, ‘I didn’t know they were letting carrots sign up to be Aurors nowadays.’” 

Moody grunted. “That’ll have to do for now. I’ll vouch for this one. Might not be able to tell with his mess of a face right now, but he’s the real Lupin. Now let us in, quick.” 

“Okay, but what’s - what’s going on -”

“It’s okay, I’m okay,” Remus said hastily as they stepped over the threshold and Molly immediately swarmed him with concern. “It’s just - I believe my nose may be broken, but it’s not as bad as it looks - I’m sorry about all of the mud, I was - er - knocked down a bit.” His voice was thick, and as he spoke Tonks was horrified to see that his teeth were stained red with blood; she couldn’t tell if it was from his nose or another injury. 

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous,” Molly clucked. “Now come here - have a seat, Remus.”

Tonks shut the door and sealed it again before turning around, feeling equal parts dumbfounded and sick. Molly was herding Remus into Tonks’ empty chair at the table, and Moody was stumping around, seemingly looking for something. 

“Parchment?” he asked gruffly. 

“Oh, yes - right on that table over there, Alastor. Remus, dear, is everything alright?” Molly handed him a warm, damp cloth which he pressed to his face, wincing slightly. Purple bruises were starting to bloom underneath his eyes as he gingerly started to dab at the blood. “Here, love - before you do that, actually -  _ episkey. _ ” Molly tapped her wand lightly against his nose; there was a quiet crunch and Remus grunted slightly as the bone reset, then he settled back into the chair, pressing the cloth to his face again.

“Thanks, Molly.” He sighed. “I can’t - I can’t stay long, I have to go back, I just - I needed a safe place to get a note off to Dumbledore - I’m sorry to just show up like this -”

“I won’t hear you apologize for coming where it’s safe,” Molly said sternly. “Now what happened?” Tonks was still standing dumbly by the door; she felt as if she was frozen.

“His cover’s been compromised,” Moody growled.

  
“What?”

Remus sighed. “I’m - well, it’s not for certain yet. There’s...there’s a werewolf by the name of Darrow. One of Greyback’s favorites. He’s had his eye on me for awhile, I believe, thinks there’s something off, but he never had much actual proof. I’ve been very careful around him, tried to keep my head down. Anyway, he overheard me today talking to another one of the werewolves, trying to convince them not to…” Remus trailed off. “Greyback wants to...what he did to the Montgomery child. He was...he’s trying to...train the other werewolves. On how to...how to attack children.”

“Oh, Merlin.” Molly shuddered. “How horrid.” 

“There’s a...strategy to it,” Remus continued, voice strained. “Without Wolfsbane, we don’t have our minds when we transform, see, and so...you must position yourself near...near a potential victim if you want to…” Remus looked ill. “Anyway, to make a long story short, he’s trying to train the rest of the pack. On his ‘method,’ if you will.” Tonks felt a sickening lurch in her stomach as she realized that this was likely how Remus had been targeted and bitten by the same man he’d spent the past year living with. “I was trying to convince...there are a few that I think could have their minds changed. I don’t know if their - if their hearts are really in it, I think they just need to know that they could have better - that they don’t need to attack  _ children _ \- and they’d walk away, they just need a little more convincing that there are people out there who want to help them, but - anyway. I was trying to convince them to come with me to the woods next full moon, where we’d be away from people, trying to convince them it’s better that way, healthier for them. Darrow overheard me, and he thought I was trying to usurp Greyback’s authority. Which I suppose is technically true. At the very least I would imagine why it’d sound suspicious. He was - er - not pleased that someone wasn’t wholeheartedly supporting Greyback’s plans for the pack, and decided to make an example out of me, I suppose.” Remus gestured to his nose. “He gets carried away easily, but I managed to get away, and as luck would have it, I was meeting Moody at a dropoff point for some supplies, and so I managed to lay low until he got there, and well...here I am.” He smiled bitterly.

“But does Greyback know, lad?” Moody asked urgently. Molly had handed him parchment and a quill, and he had been scribbling something down as Remus was speaking. “Is your cover blown? What do you know for sure?”

“I’m...I’m not sure, honestly. I think he will, soon enough. I’d imagine Darrow went straight to him once I’d put some distance between us. That’s why I need to let Dumbledore know. But regardless, I have to get back soon.” As he moved his hand to adjust the cloth on his nose, Tonks saw a faint pattern of bruises in the shape of a handprint on the side of his neck. 

“Molly, may I use your fireplace?” Moody was folding up the parchment he’d been scribbling on.

“Oh - yes, Alastor, right in there.” Moody stumped out of the kitchen towards the sitting room. Molly turned back to Remus again, looking upset. 

“Well if your cover’s good as blown, why don’t you just stay here and -”

“No, I have to go back - before Greyback  _ does _ find out for certain - there’s something I still have to -” 

“You’re going back?” Tonks finally found her voice, staring at the bruises on his throat. He shifted slightly in his chair as if to look at her, but he didn’t make direct eye contact. “After they’ve figured out that you’re a spy and, you know, lightly strangled you?” Molly immediately darted forward with a small gasp, trying to get a better look at his neck, but Remus gently pushed her hands away. 

“I’m okay. Really. Darrow has a short temper. One of the things that Greyback likes about him, I’m sure, but even he has reprimanded Darrow for acting out of turn a few times. He’s volatile, and while Greyback trusts him, I do know that it makes him worried for the overall stability of the pack. I likely have a little bit of time before Greyback decides to believe him.”

“But he tried to kill you. And you’re just going to go back? Like, ten minutes after that happened?” Tonks couldn’t keep the tremble out of her voice. 

“Not - I’m awaiting Dumbledore’s orders, of course, but I’m not - I just need to go back briefly. There’s one werewolf I need to see before I leave for good.” 

“And if they try to - if they attack you again?” Molly asked the question this time, shooting a concerned glance over at Tonks, who had leaned back against the door. Her legs felt weak.

“If they do - if it’s clear that my cover is truly gone - I will apparate out immediately,” Remus promised. “But I have to get - there’s one of them I promised I’d help, I can’t leave him -” 

Moody came back into the living room, tossing a new scrap of parchment onto the table in front of Remus. “Sent a note to Dumbledore, and I got ahold of Mundungus - a miracle in and of itself, let me tell you - to confirm the location’s all set. That’s the information for the safe house. Make sure your mate burns it as soon as he’s read it,” Moody grunted. Remus nodded, tucking the parchment into his pocket. 

“This - the one you’re helping - he knows -?”

“He knows I’m a spy, yes.” 

“And you’re sure he’s -”

Remus took a deep breath. “Yes. He’s...he’s known I’m with the Order for awhile, now.”

“But then…” Molly looked uncertain. “Are you sure he’s...he hasn’t said anything to - what was his name - Darrow, then? Are you positive he’s -”

“No, no, Darrow has disliked me since I showed up, he’s said from the start that he doesn’t trust anyone who’s spent as much time as I have trying to fit in amongst wizards,” Remus explained. “Mick wouldn’t say anything - I trust him. He wants to leave the pack, he just needs help. I promised him I would help. I just have to get this information to him - make sure he can get out safely - and then I’ll...I’ll be done, I think.” There was silence in the room now, except for the ticking of the clock on the wall. “I have to help him,” Remus repeated quietly.

“If you trust him, then we trust him, lad,” Moody said finally. “I know you’re in a great rush to get back, but let’s just wait and see what Dumbledore says before doing anything rash.”

“I really don’t want to wait too long,” Remus said uneasily. “The longer I wait, the more chance of -”

“I know, Lupin, but let’s just give it a few minutes,” Moody interjected. “Get yourself cleaned up, and then we can discuss strategy for -”

“Yes, take some time to get cleaned up. Tonks, why don’t you help him?” Molly said suddenly, shooting a pointed look at Tonks.

“Er -”

“Alastor, let’s wait in the sitting room for word from Dumbledore.” 

“But we could just - oh, yes,” Moody said, clearing his throat loudly. “Yes, we’ll wait in the - while you two - alright then.” Remus met her gaze briefly; he rolled his eyes, and she smiled in spite of herself. For a pair of Order members, Molly and Moody weren’t exactly subtle when it came to certain matters.

Now it was just Remus and her in the room. He was looking back down into his lap; she came slowly over to where he was seated, perching on the table in front of him. 

“Can I…” she reached out for the cloth. “Let me get that. Is this okay?” He nodded. She lifted the cloth away from his face, wincing as she did so. “Jesus christ, Remus, you look...”

“You should see the other guy,” he said, giving her a small, crooked smile. She stared at him. “Which actually, speaking of - er - my hand is rather...” he held up the hand that he hadn’t been using to hold the cloth to his face, and she saw that his knuckles were starting to swell and turn purple. 

“ _ Christ, _ Remus,” she said again.

“It could have been worse, Tonks. I’m not exactly...let’s just say a man like me needs his wand in a fight.”

“Did you have it? Where d’you keep your wand when you’re there?”

“I had it hidden on my person, yes, but I couldn’t use it. That would have only made things worse. They don’t quite appreciate much use of magic there.” 

“Right.” She turned away from him. “Molly has some salve somewhere that should help those bruises - ah, here we go.” She set the tin down on the table then picked up the rag again. “Is this - may I?”

“Alright.” 

She started to dab gently at the blood on his face. “Let me know if I hurt you,” she said softly. She reached out her other hand to his jaw, gently holding his head still, and his eyes fluttered closed as she worked. “Does this feel okay?”

“Yes. Thank you.” He cleared his throat as she lifted the cloth from his face and started to gently smooth some of the bruise salve on the swelling beneath his eyes, shifting slightly in his chair as she did so. “You don’t have to do this.”

“I know I don’t have to. Now stop moving or I’ll poke your eye out and it’ll take more than salve and a warm rag to make that right.” She carefully wiped away the excess balm with a corner of the cloth. “You’ll look a right mess for a few days, but this should hopefully help at least a little. I’m going to do...I’m going to do your neck now, okay?” 

“Okay,” he responded quietly. She reached out and placed her fingers above his ear, gently pushing pushing until he tilted his head to the side. She hissed sympathetically as she saw the pattern of fingertip-shaped bruises down his neck up close. 

“That bastard really got you, didn’t he?” 

Remus let out a mirthless snort, opening his eyes again but avoiding her gaze. “You could certainly say that.” 

“How did…”

“He came up from behind. I didn’t even hear him, which is fairly shocking if you are familiar with his regular disposition, but he can be stealthy when it counts, I suppose. I didn’t even realize he was nearby until he - er - had me by the throat, literally speaking.” 

She swallowed, trying not to picture Remus being strangled in vivid detail. “Did anyone try and help you?” 

“No,” he replied shortly. “It’s...fights break out rather often at the camp, and it’s generally best to just keep your head down and stay out of matters that don’t concern you. I do not blame anyone for not stepping in.” 

“What about - what’d you say his name was - Mick? Was he around?”

“He was, he saw it happen. But I’ve talked about it with him before and I’ve told him that if anything happens, if my position were to be discovered and anything were to happen to me, that he’s not to help. It would only put him in danger. And would likely only serve to further complicate things for me, as well.”

“Oh. Well, he…” she hesitated, unsure of what to say. “I’m glad you found someone there you could...you could talk to.” 

“That’s why I have to go back. Mick doesn’t...like a lot of us, he’s just searching for a place he feels he can belong. He’s had a hard life. But he’s got a big heart. He just fell in with the wrong crowd for a little while. So I have to help him if I can.” He gave a small smile. “I would not say he’s anywhere near ready to join the Order or anything like that, but perhaps you’ll meet him someday. He’s a good man.”

She returned his smile. “I hope I do.” She reached for his injured hand now. “I’ll have to see if Molly has some bandages, you’ll likely want to wrap this.” She started to massage the bruise salve into his bruised knuckles. She took a deep breath, trying not to think too much about how it felt to have his hand in hers. His eyes were closed again, but the sudden careful rigidity in his posture told her that he was as affected by her touch as she was by his. 

“I’m glad you’re okay, Remus,” she said softly. He gave a small shake of his head.

“I should have been more careful. I don’t know what I was thinking, talking like that out in the open. I mean, I thought we were alone, I thought it was safe. But I should have known better.” He sighed wearily. “I just heard one of the werewolves voice some doubt about Greyback’s plans and I thought...I saw an opportunity. To save a child. But I should have known better. I was stupid and now the whole thing has been jeopardized.” 

“You were not stupid.” She let her fingers linger on the inside of his wrist, gently tracing one of the scars there, and he gave a nearly imperceptible shiver. “You...you’ve been doing your best in nearly impossible circumstances. You’ve been there for almost a  _ year  _ now. You said it yourself at Christmas, it’s...it’s difficult. They have trouble trusting anybody. Don’t blame yourself for what was likely inevitable. They were going to figure it out at some point, Remus. You can’t stay there forever.” 

He sighed. “I suppose so. I was…” he hesitated. “I was considering asking Dumbledore to come home soon, anyway. But I’d hoped to stay just a bit longer, try and wrap up a few more loose ends. And I hadn’t envisioned leaving with this much of a fuss.” 

She felt her pulse increase at his mention of coming home. “I’m...I’m glad you’ll be coming back. We’ve all been worried about you. Not just me, but Molly and Arthur and...everyone.” She paused, then continued against her better judgment. “And I’ve missed you.” She knew that now was not the time or place to have this discussion, as she feared it would morph into an all-out row if they went down this path, but she couldn’t help herself. She couldn’t just say  _ nothing _ to him, as if he were just any other colleague of hers coming back from a long and dangerous mission rather than the man she’d been in love with for the better part of a year. 

He sighed, opening his eyes again; he looked at her directly this time, but there was sadness in his eyes. “Nothing’s changed, Tonks. I still...I’m sorry.” 

She tried to ignore the dead weight in her stomach. “We shouldn’t talk about it now, anyway. You’ve got - you’ve got enough on your plate, and you need to focus on your mission, but when you’re back permanently we can talk about it and we -”

“Tonks.” He looked pained. “I...I’m sorry for that last note I sent, I truly am. At Christmas. And I’m sorry for showing up on Christmas and for...for doing what I did. But it still -” 

“You mean showing up for a shag and then running off again after leaving me with another no-contact order?” The words left her mouth before she could stop herself, and she winced as color immediately stained his cheeks. “Wait - I’m sorry, Remus, I didn’t mean that -”

“No, you’re right. I -” He avoided her eyes, jaw clenching. “You’re right. It was extremely unfair to you.”

“Remus, I really didn’t mean it like that. I don’t regret - I don’t regret anything that I said that night, or anything that happened. I’m still glad you came to see me. I said that you can always come to me, yeah? And I mean it. You can  _ always _ come to me. Even when I’m being an arse. I’m still angry you thought that you could just end everything with another note, but it doesn’t mean I regret seeing you. I would...I would never regret time spent with you.” She turned away abruptly as he started shaking his head and loudly opened the nearest drawer, distractedly searching for bandages. “I just think…I think we should talk about it more once you’re back for good.”

“There’s nothing more to talk about, Tonks,” he said shortly. 

“You mean besides the fact that we’re both still in love with each other but you’re the only one who thinks we shouldn’t be together?” she replied hotly. “Unless the love is one-sided, which in that case, I’d appreciate it if you could keep me abreast of the status of your feelings for me -”

“No, Tonks, that’s...my feelings aren’t the issue here,” he said quietly. “They never have been. I know it rings a bit false, but I truly mean it when I say it has nothing to do with you or anything you’ve done, it’s - it’s me. It’s what I am.” He sighed. “When I say nothing has changed, I mean  _ nothing _ has changed. I love you, but I’m...I’m dangerous. I mean, look at me. Look where I’ve been, what’s happened, what I’ve  _ done. _ ” He gestured with his injured hand. She took the opportunity to reach out and grab his wrist, starting to wrap the bandage around his fingers.

“That was self-defense, Remus, that’s -”

“Tonks, all I want is for you to be happy. You have to believe me.”

“It’s not that I don’t believe you, it’s just that I think you’re going about it in a spectacularly stupid way,” she said through gritted teeth. She finished tying off the bandage a bit more violently than intended, and she winced as Remus let out a hiss of pain. “Shit, sorry. But I’m serious, Remus. That’s what I find so maddening about all of this. You keep saying all you want is for me to be happy, but I would be happy  _ with you.  _ I don’t understand why you can’t get that through your thick fucking head.”

“Tonks, I…” he ran his good hand through his hair in frustration. “We shouldn’t...now is not the time to discuss this.” His eyes flickered towards the door to the sitting room. 

“Right,” she replied testily. “I agree. So let me know when you’re back, and I’ll -”

“No, Tonks, I think it’s better if we just -”

“Were you ever happy?” she asked abruptly. Remus cut off mid-sentence, looking startled by her question. “With me, I mean.”

He swallowed, looking down at the ground. For a moment she was worried he wasn’t going to answer. “Of course I was,” he replied softly. “It was probably the happiest I’ve been since I was at school. But I can’t...I can’t ask you to sacrifice your happiness for my own, Tonks. It would be incredibly selfish of me.” 

She felt her face flush with anger. “For the last bloody time, I wouldn’t be  _ sacrificing _ my happiness by being with you, my happiness would  _ come from _ being with your sorry arse! The only thing I would be sacrificing at this point is my sanity because we go on and on in circles about this but I don’t think you’re hearing what I’m saying! I don’t - I don’t think there are any more words left in the English language that I could use to explain this to you that I haven’t already, Remus, jesus fucking  _ christ _ .” She slammed the spare bandage she was holding down on the table as they glared at each other. Remus looked as if he was about to respond, then stopped abruptly as they heard a noise in the other room. 

At that moment, Moody clattered through the door slightly louder than necessary. “Just got word from Hestia that she’ll be by in twenty or so minutes to drop off some supplies that you can bring to your man, Lupin,” Moody said gruffly. “I’ll be accompanying you back to our drop-off point. I’ll remain there while you go back to the camp, in case anything goes awry. We’ll accompany your friend to the safe house, and then Dumbledore wants to see you.” 

Remus nodded. “Thank you, Alastor.” 

Molly came bustling into the room again now as well. “Oh, you look much better now, Remus, dear.” She came over to the table and Tonks stepped back as Molly scrutinized her handiwork. “You did a lovely job, Tonks - how are you feeling, Remus?”

“Much better. Tonks fixed me right up,” he replied, flashing a small smile at Tonks. She looked away, blinking furiously; how could he just pretend that everything was  _ fine _ ? Nothing had been resolved, but she knew that nothing good would come out of continuing to push him before a such a dangerous trip back to the camp, so she picked up her Auror’s robes and started to pull them back on. 

“I should be off,” she said shortly. Molly seemed to notice the tension and fixed Remus with a slight frown even as she addressed Tonks.

“So soon, Tonks? Are you sure you wouldn’t like to stay for dinner?”

“No, I’ve got loads of paperwork to catch up on. But thank you for the offer. And thanks as always for the tea, Molly. Good to see you, Mad-Eye. And Remus -” 

“Well, I - Alastor, perhaps we should leave the two of them to -” Molly said, looking rather flustered.

  
Remus started to say something, but Tonks interjected. “No need,” she said quickly, flushing slightly. She turned to Remus, trying to keep her face as impassive as possible. “At least let me know that you make it back from this one alive, yeah? Just an owl will do, if you can’t be bothered to talk to me in person.” A flash of hurt crossed his face as he watched her make her way to the door, oblivious to the way both Molly and Moody were staring at him. “Glad you’re safe, mate.” She saw his face fall slightly before the door clicked shut and then she was finally alone, standing on the front steps of the Burrow. 

She was immediately seized by a brief wave of panic - the look on his face at her blas é tone had been rather satisfying, but he was about to head back to a pack of werewolves who knew he’d been a spy living in their midst - what if this was the last time she saw him alive? She nearly turned around to go back into the Burrow again, to speak to him one last time before he left again, but she thought better of it as she raised her hand to knock. It wouldn’t do to drag anything out and put any more turmoil into his head. She was already starting to regret their conversation, after promising herself that she wouldn’t give him anything further to be distracted about until he was completely safe.

He would be fine, she told herself firmly; he would be fine, he’d come back safe, and they’d meet soon to talk - to  _ really  _ talk - in person.

Later that evening, back in her room in Hogsmeade, she was reading a novel she was only really half-invested in when she was distracted by a tapping on the window. Running over, she threw the window open and let in the owl, hurriedly pulling the scroll from its leg. 

_ Tonks, _

_ I wanted to let you know that I am alright. Alastor and I managed to safely get Mick out of the camp and to an Order safehouse, where he’ll remain until he’s able to somewhat get back on his feet. I’ll be remaining in contact with him to help where I can but for now he is grateful to the Order for providing him the resources and help to make this possible.  _

_ I’ve met with Dumbledore and we’ve agreed to terminate my mission in the camp as I will no longer be of great use now that suspicion has been raised. So I am safe. _

_ Thank you again for bandaging me up earlier. It’s appreciated.  _

_ Remus _

Although she wasn’t quite sure what she’d expected, she found herself rather hurt at the impersonal tone and lack of further information. It was rather clear that he didn’t expect her to - or didn’t want her to - write back. She supposed she couldn’t completely blame him, after the way she’d spoken to him when leaving the Burrow, but she felt a prickle of anger all the same.

Against her better judgment, she got out a scrap of parchment and scribbled down a response.

_ Remus, _

_ I’m glad to hear that you were able to help Mick and that all went well. I am also glad you are done with the camp, and that you are safe. _

_ I would really like for us to talk. I know you’ve just gotten back, so it doesn’t need to be right away, but I would like to see you again. I’m off Thursday evening, so maybe we could get together then. I can cook something for us. Just let me know. _

_ All my love,  _

_ Dora _

She nearly scratched out the  _ all my love _ bit, but decided against it at the last moment and hurriedly rolled up the note and sent it off with the owl before she could talk herself out of it. 

Of course she did not receive another note for the rest of the night. Or the next day. Or the day after that, even. The next thing she received several days after she had sent that note to him, however, was a request from McGonagall to join a couple other Order members in patrolling the Hogwarts grounds while Dumbledore was away on a mission.

She was somehow not surprised at her luck (or lack thereof) when she walked up to the entrance to find Remus waiting there, leaning against the gate. He started guiltily as he noticed her approaching him.

“Wotcher, Remus,” she said tiredly. He straightened up hurriedly from where he’d been slouching against the gate, hands in his pockets. 

“Hi, Nymphadora. Er - Bill should be arriving soon as well, he -”

“Great,” she said flatly. “And don’t call me that.” 

He nodded, flushing. “Sorry, Tonks.”

“Your face looks better,” she remarked. His hand flew up to his nose self-consciously, though there remained no trace of the blood or bruising that had covered it the last time she saw him. 

“Yes, I feel much better. Almost back to normal,” he said, giving her a half-hearted smile. She didn’t return the smile, turning away instead as she looked down the path. She heard him sigh quietly. “Tonks, I...I’m sorry I haven’t responded yet to your note. I -”

“It’s fine. Kind of expected it,” she replied shortly. 

“You shouldn’t...I’m sorry, Tonks. You shouldn’t have to expect to be let down by -”

“I really don’t want to talk about this right now, okay, Remus?” Tonks snapped. “If you’d just answered my bloody note, we could have met somewhere private and talked about this, but I don’t really want to discuss this in front of the Hogwarts gate.” 

“Okay,” he replied quietly. “You’re right. Bill is coming up the path, anyway.” He nodded to something past her shoulder, and she turned to see Bill Weasley making his way towards the two of them. 

“Hiya, Tonks,” he said as he reached her, grinning as he pulled her into a brief hug. 

“Wotcher, Bill.” She tried her best to smile back. She felt as though the expression was plastered painfully to her face, though Bill didn’t seem to notice.

“Remus! Glad to see you’re back and still in one piece, mate,” Bill continued, releasing Tonks in order to clap Remus’ shoulder. “Mum said you’d returned but she’s been worried sick about you, wouldn’t shut up about your nose for some reason -?”

“My nose had a slight run-in with another werewolf’s fist, but I’m quite alright,” Remus replied wryly. “Thankfully, your mother and Tonks were there to fix me right up.” He cleared his throat self-consciously. “We should...we should head up to the castle now that we’re all here.” 

“Right, right,” Bill said good-naturedly, seemingly oblivious to the way that Tonks was glaring at Remus. “You lead the way then, Professor.” 

The three of them walked up to the castle, Bill’s light-hearted chatter fading away as Tonks stared at the back of Remus’ head while he walked in front of them; and not for the first time, she wondered how it was possible to be so vexed with someone yet want nothing more than to hold that same person all at once.

* * *

She’d taken a walk around the grounds for a bit; sitting down on a bench here, sprawling in the grass by the Great Lake there, before finally deciding to just head back to her room in Hogsmeade. She felt drained and keyed up all at once, and she had no idea what to do with herself. She hoped the walk back into the village would help.

Once she got back to the Hog’s Head, she murmured some condolences to Aberforth - who didn’t seem to want to talk to anyone, understandably - and so she continued up into her room. She threw herself down on the bed, trying to ignore the emptiness she was feeling in her chest. Dumbledore was  _ dead _ . When they’d first heard wind of Death Eaters in the castle, she wasn’t sure what sort of outcome to expect, but the Auror in her was prepared for whatever the outcome may be. But no part of her was prepared for the outcome that had actually become their new reality. 

Dumbledore was dead, and yet, guiltily, Tonks could barely think of anything other than the fact that she had just made a fool out of herself in front of the man she was in love with and all of their friends, likely alienating him forever.

What on earth had she been  _ thinking _ ? She groaned quietly in embarrassment as she replayed the scene from the hospital wing in her head. How could she have said that, how could she have  _ done _ that in front of everyone? After snapping at him at the Hogwarts gate earlier about how it wasn’t the right time or place to discuss it? She knew that was Remus’ worst nightmare, intensely private man that he was, to have their issues aired in front of everyone like that; hell, it wasn’t as if  _ she  _ wanted everyone to know about their great ordeal, either. It was bad enough dealing with Molly’s pity. And now even Professor bloody  _ McGonagall _ knew about her and Remus’ mess of a...relationship? Non-relationship?

_ You can’t force someone to be with you, Tonks,  _ she admonished herself bitterly. If he hadn’t wanted to be with her before, he certainly wouldn’t want to be with her now. And along with the embarrassment that was still coursing through her, she started to feel a deeper sadness, too. For the first time, she was starting to realize that maybe love really  _ wasn’t _ enough. She could keep repeating herself till she was blue in the face - and she was willing to do it, she had a lifetime’s worth of patience if that’s what it would take to convince Remus that he was worthy if love - but if he wasn’t willing to hear her out, then why continue making them both miserable? 

Her tired ruminations were interrupted by a knock on the door. Her eyebrows shot up when she opened it to find the very man she’d been pondering, breathing rather heavily and wincing as he leaned against the doorjamb.

“Remus? What are you -” she frowned. “Why are you so sweaty?” 

“I’ve - I’ve been - I’ve been looking for you,” he panted. “I - all around the castle - I didn’t know where you’d gone - and - I checked the grounds too but - you weren’t…” 

“Fucking hell, did you run an entire marathon while you were looking?” She stared at him in shock as he swiped his hair out of his eyes, his forehead glistening with sweat. “How long have you been running around?” 

“I - er - long enough to realize how out-of-shape I am,” he said, still sounding out-of-breath. “I left to - to find you fairly soon after you’d gone.” 

“I did stick around for a bit before coming back here, so we must have kept missing each other. Sorry about that,” she said, unable to keep from giving him a small smile. “Er - do you want a glass of water, or something? I can put on the kettle?” He nodded; she was suddenly aware of how dusty and dirty she still was from the battle, and she grabbed her wand to mutter a quiet ‘tergeo’ to siphon some of it away as she stepped back to let him into the room. 

“Thanks. I haven’t…” He cleared his throat awkwardly. “I haven’t had tea since Christmas. Turns out it’s hard to keep yourself well-stocked with something such as tea leaves when you’re living in a cave,” he said with a wry smile.

She sat down on the edge of the bed after she’d prepared their tea, and Remus perched gingerly on one of the chairs at the table, looking as if he was unsure of what to do with himself. He stirred his tea, continuing to stare down at the table in front of him. Tonks sighed, looking down as she picked at a loose thread on the duvet. 

“Remus, I’m sorry -”

“Dora, I wanted to say that I’m - what?” They’d both started speaking at the same time, and now he was looking at her, bewildered. “I - sorry, you first. What on earth are you sorry for?” 

She raised an eyebrow. “That whole scene in the hospital wing? I don’t know what came over me. It’s not like me to do things like that, really. I  _ know _ it wasn’t the time or place and I’m sorry I embarrassed you. I embarrassed myself, honestly. It’s just…” He was still staring at her. “When I heard Fleur say all that stuff about Bill, I just - I wanted so badly for you to realize that I feel the same way about you, Remus. That I love you and I don’t care about any of the shit that you always use as reasons we shouldn’t be together and when Fleur was talking about Bill, I just saw the perfect example of how  _ we _ could work and I know it was embarrassing and I know our situation is different from theirs - I  _ know _ \- but I just want  _ so badly _ for you to realize how happy you made me and…” she squeezed her eyes shut. “Anyway, I’m sorry again. I...I completely understand if you don’t...you don’t want anything to do with me anymore.” 

“What? No, that’s not - Dora, wait,” Remus replied. “You have nothing to apologize for. I’m the one who’s...I’m the one who left you for a year. Our friends, they...they support you. They didn’t think any less of you for what happened in the hospital wing, trust me.” He gave her a small, wry smile. “In fact, they were all quite moved by it. Fleur had some - erm - choice words for me once you’d left. As did Minerva. And Molly.” 

“Sounds like they put you through the wringer, eh?”

He gave a hesitant chuckle. “You have no idea.” He looked down at the ground now. “I came because I wanted to apologize. I don’t…” he heaved a sigh and leaned an elbow on the table, scrubbing his face with his other hand. “It still floors me that someone like you would want anything to do with me,” he continued quietly. “I don’t understand it. I’m not sure I ever will.”

“Remus, you’re -”

“No, Dora, let me finish. I don’t think I ever will, but I - I want to try.” She glanced up sharply, but his face was still in his hand. “I really want this to work, Dora. I  _ want _ to be with you. More than anything. I don’t think you even understand. And Merlin knows I haven’t exactly done much to help you understand what I’ve been feeling or thinking. It’s just…” he swallowed, then finally lifted his gaze to hers. “I’m so scared. There are so many things -  _ so  _ many things that just make me the worst person for you, and I’m just - I’m afraid that - I’m afraid that -”

“Hey,” she said softly. “Why don’t we talk through them? I know we’ve sort of discussed all this before, but let’s talk through them honestly and calmly right now, okay? A year has passed since you first started telling me all these reasons for why you think you’re not good enough for me. But I’ve really given this thought, Remus, and I want you to see that. I’ve had a year to think about this - to  _ really _ think about this - and I haven’t changed my mind.  _ I’ve _ thought about all the reasons you’ve provided for why you think you’re not good enough for me and even though I know I say I don’t care, it’s not just that I don’t care. It’s just - I’ve thought all this  _ through _ and I have my reasons for believing that none of it matters when it comes to the way I feel about you.” She leaned forward and took his hands in hers, peering up until he met her eyes. “I want you to know that I’m not brushing off your concerns, Remus, I just genuinely do not agree that they’re reasons that could keep us from being together. Okay? Want to talk about it?” He nodded. “What do you want to start with?”

“How about the fact that I don’t have a galleon to my name?” he said bitterly, looking down as she stroked the threadbare cuff of his shirt with her thumb.

“There are plenty of other people out there who are poor and are still able to fall in love. Look at the Weasleys,” she replied. “I’m not saying it’s easy to be poor, please don’t think I’m just brushing that off - and if I ever say something insensitive that makes you uncomfortable, I absolutely want you to tell me. I know I say stupid shit sometimes. But it doesn’t bother  _ me.  _ But look at Molly and Arthur; they adore each other, they’re happy and -”

“But Arthur at least has a  _ job _ . I have, quite literally, an empty vault at the bank. I’ll never...I’ll likely never have gainful employment, and -”

“Never say never. Plus, even if you don’t, who cares? I could easily support the two of us, I’ve  _ told _ you that -”

“That wouldn’t be fair,” he said stubbornly.

“Would you feel the same way if it were you supporting the two of us on one salary?” she replied waspishly, dropping his hand from her grasp. “Because that would be rather sexist, wouldn’t you think?”

“Tonks.” He sounded frustrated. “I can’t even  _ imagine _ that scenario because I’ve never been in that position before in my entire life. And likely never will be. It’s not comparable.” 

“Okay. You’re right, I’m sorry. But I’m just saying money’s not an issue and I understand - no Remus, really, I do - I understand it’s a point of pride, and I -”

“It’s not pride, it’s practicality.” 

“No, it’s not, because the practical thing would be to agree that my salary is more than enough to support me and the person I love,” she retorted. “Plus, aren’t we fighting for a better world? I know how hard it is to imagine a world without all of the hate and prejudice that we have now. But what are we fighting for if not a world where you can get a job? Where you could go back to teaching, or you could explore other career that interest you?”

He gave her a small smile, and she didn’t miss the look of yearning that flashed across his face. So there  _ was _ still some hope there. He had some optimism left. That was good, she could work with that. But his smile quickly dropped. 

“Fine. How about the fact that I’m thirteen years older than you, then?”

_ Too poor. Check. Now onto the next reason on the list.  _

“You’re 37, Remus, it’s not as if you’re rounding on 80 years old -”

“Still. Someday I  _ will _ be 80, and you’ll be 67 -”

“And I still won’t have a problem with it.”

“Okay, what would all your friends say if you told them you’re with a man thirteen years older than you?”

“They’d think it’s sexy.” 

He gave her an exasperated look. “Dora -”

“I’m serious, Remus. I don’t - I really don’t even notice the age thing a lot of the time, to be honest. The only time I can think of is the time I discovered that you own not one but  _ two  _ old Squeeze t-shirts, but other than that, I don’t notice it. It really, truly does not bother me.” He rolled his eyes, though she noticed the corners of his mouth quirk up slightly. 

“I was going to point out that those shirts are vintage, which I’m under the impression is supposed to be ‘cool’ nowadays, but I’m afraid that rather reinforces my point that I’m too old and too poor for you,” he replied, though he still looked as though he was holding back a small smile. Tonks felt a spark of hope that she was starting to get through to him. She knew she wouldn’t be able to completely erase his insecurities, or completely appease his fears, but she’d hoped that by talking with him tonight, she could show him she was at least willing to work through them with him. That they’d do this together. 

“Teasing aside...I’m 24, Remus, I’m not a child. I’m old enough to know what I want. I’m old enough to know that I love you and to make that decision. I’m not going into this blindly, you know. It’s my choice,” she said firmly. “I choose you. I choose  _ us. _ ” 

Remus let out another sigh. “Dora, I…” He trailed off as his face dropped into his hands again. 

“Go on,” she encouraged. “We said we would talk about it all, right?” 

“I just...what if I hurt you?” he whispered.

“You won’t. You’re always so careful, and we can take extra precautions - not because I don’t trust you, but just because it’ll make you feel better. Now that -” she felt her voice choke up bitterly as she realized she had been about to mention Snape. “I can learn to brew Wolfsbane,” she continued briskly. “I’m ace at potions, and I’ve already been doing my research.” 

“I couldn’t possibly ask you to-”

“You’re not asking, I’m offering. But if it would truly make you uncomfortable for me to brew it, I have a mate from school who owns an apothecary up in Aberdeen. He’d sell to me, no questions asked. So you’ll have the Wolfsbane, and then we can make sure you’re safe at your cottage to transform, alright?” He sighed. “Remus, I’m not asking you to let me spoon you when you’ve transformed. I recognize the risks. But I’m an Auror, and I consider myself quite handy at mitigating danger, right? We’ll be careful. We can come up with a plan that we both feel good about.” 

“It’s not - it’s not even just that,” he said quietly. “I’m...I’m not a healthy man, Dora. No -” he held up a hand as she started to scoff. “I am not a healthy man, either physically or mentally. I’m not easy to deal with. I think you’ve experienced quite enough of me already to know that to be true. I’ve never imagined that someone would ever even  _ want  _ to be with me long-term. I’m not partner material in every single way. I’m...look at how I’ve  _ already _ hurt you. And...aside from dealing with just me, you’ll have to deal with a society that believes people like me shouldn’t exist or that we should be locked up. And I don’t even mean locked up in prison, there are people who think...there are people out there who think I should live out the rest of my life in a cage. People will think I’ve...I’ve tricked you into being with me, or they’ll make...they’ll make disgusting jokes about you -”

“I can handle some shitty insults,” she scoffed.

“Tonks, I’ve been called a dog more times than I can count. People will see you, someone who’s been - who’s been - been  _ intimate _ with a werewolf, with a ‘dog,’ and...well, you can imagine the things they’ll say.” 

“I know, Remus. And I can handle that,” she said defiantly. “And I’ll hex the shit out of anyone who dares call you a dog in front of me.” He pressed his lips together firmly before continuing.

“And that’s not the only thing. Your reputation, your job - your entire livelihood - could be in jeopardy because of me.” 

“Remus.” She reached out and took his hands. “I’m telling you that I’ve  _ really _ thought about all this. And I’ve decided that I want you. I am choosing  _ you _ . I know that it won’t be easy, I know it’ll get ugly, but I want us to handle it together. I love you and I will deal with whatever comes, as long as you’re by my side.” His head was still slightly turned as he avoided her gaze, and she reached a hand out to touch his cheek, gently prodding him to look at her. “Remus?”

“I’m still so scared, Dora. I’m - I’m - I can’t lose you, too.” 

“I’m right here, Remus, I’m right here,” she said quickly, stroking his cheek. “You haven’t lost me, love. I’m right here.” 

He shook his head fervently, tearing a hand out of her grasp to tug distractedly at a fistful of his hair. “I lost Lily and James, I lost Sirius, and now Dumbledore is gone too, and I just - I just - if anything happened to you - if anything happened to you and it was  _ my fault - _ ” he cut off, his voice constricted in panic.

“Remus,” she said gently, “it’s  _ war _ . I know you don’t like to hear it, but I’m in danger either way. As I said, I want to face all of this  _ with you _ . I happen to think we’ll be stronger together, in fact. I feel  _ safer  _ with you. I feel safer with you than I ever have with anyone else.” 

There was silence for several long moments as his eyes darted back down, looking everywhere but at Tonks. 

“Remus?” she prodded gently as he took a shuddering breath.

“What if you change your mind?” he said quietly. And suddenly she realized the other side of what he meant when he talked about losing her. Of course he was worried about the war, he was worried about hurting her; but her feelings for him were so fierce, and to her so apparent, that the thought had never occurred to her that he might doubt the sincerity or strength of them. “What if...what if someday, it really does become too much? What if you decide - you decide you’d be better off with someone who can actually - who’s not - what if you regret choosing me one day?” 

“I won’t,” she said fiercely. A look of surprise flashed across his face as she quickly slid off the bed, her knees thumping on the floorboards as she landed and quickly shuffled her way over to him so that she was kneeling in front of him where he sat on the chair. She took ahold of his hands again, looking up at him. “I love you, Remus. I’m so fucking in love with you that it scares me sometimes, to be honest. When I first realized I loved you, it did. It scared me. I’ve...I mean, I’ve been in love before, but this is...never like this. I would do anything for you.  _ Anything _ .” 

He let out a shuddering sigh, and she reached her arms up around his waist. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, and they sat like that for several long minutes, her sitting between his knees, with her head in his lap. Her knees started to ache, but she didn’t dare move as he started to gently run his other hand through her hair. 

“I’m sorry if this isn’t the right time to say this, but I never...I never got to say I’m sorry about Sirius, Remus,” she said finally. She heard him take a sharp breath. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

“I’m sorry, too. You lost family.”

“Yeah, but - I mean, I did. I loved him too, Remus. But I know...I know how much he meant to you. How much you two meant to each other.” 

“I miss him,” he said after a pause, his voice breaking. She looked up to see that his eyes were slightly glossy. “And it’s my fault. I should have stopped him leaving the house -”

“No,” she said sharply. “You couldn’t have done anything, Remus. Do  _ not _ blame yourself. I did a lot of that too, you know. Thinking about how if I’d been quicker, if I hadn’t gotten hit, then maybe -”

“But of course it wasn’t your fault,” he said hurriedly.

“Exactly. See? It was...no one could have kept Sirius in that house any longer, I don’t think.” She swallowed. “I don’t...I hate to say it now, but I was upset with Dumbledore for that, too. And with all of us, I suppose. We should have seen it coming, we should have come up with plan for him.” 

“I feel...I felt the same way, you know. And with Dumbledore gone now, I just...I’ve been angry with him, for several reasons, I’m ashamed to say; and now he’s dead,” he said quietly. “When Dumbeldore first asked me to go away, I was angry. I was so angry, Dora. I felt - I felt that for once in my life, despite everything else - despite Sirius dying - I had at least one thing that was going right. I had you.” 

She promptly reached out up grasp his hand, giving it a light squeeze. “You did. No matter what.” 

He took a deep breath before continuing. “I had you, and you...you made me feel so happy. You made me feel like...you made me feel like an actual man. For once in my life I felt almost whole. Not quite, but almost. Then…” he faltered. “Then Sirius died. And then Dumbledore asked to talk to me. And I felt angry. But then I felt as if it were a sign, maybe. That maybe I wasn’t...maybe I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve you. I was being asked by the man I most admired to go live with a pack of werewolves led by a murderer who had ruined my life. It was the worst reminder of what I am that I could have possibly gotten at that time.” 

Despite the events of that evening, mingled with her grief, Tonks felt anger with the Hogwarts headmaster rear its head again. She tried to ignore the accompanying stab of guilt. 

“And despite all that, you still have me, right?” she said, looking up at him. “You still have me. I mean everything I’ve said. I’m not going anywhere. I love you, Remus, and no matter what happens, I want to be by your side for it.” 

He looked down at her for just a moment before lowering his head to kiss her. She reached up, taking his face between her hands as his fingers tangled in her hair. He kissed her desperately, and when she felt the slight dampness of tears on her face, she wasn’t sure if they were his or hers.

He pulled back suddenly. “Sorry. I - I - maybe we should take this slow.” He suddenly looked unsure, and she stretched up again to press another kiss to his lips.

“It’s okay, whatever feels right. I know...I know this past year has been hard for the both of us. I know we’ve hurt each other. We can take this as slowly as we need to, alright?” She squeezed his hand, using his knee to steady herself as she got back to her feet. “We don’t - we don’t have to do anything tonight, but...will you stay with me? Will you stay here?” 

He gave her a small smile as he nodded. The smile dropped abruptly, however. “I should - there’s something I need to tell you.” 

“What is it?”

“I don’t quite sleep well anymore. I have...well, I have nightmares, and -”

“I don’t care,” she replied promptly. “And I’ll be here to hold you when you wake up, alright? I’ll always be right here.” She squeezed his hand again, then stifled a yawn. “I’m fucking knackered, though, so I think I might pop in the shower real quick then hit the sack.” 

“Do you mind if I take one as well?” He grimaced. “I’m still a bit sweaty from my - erm - marathon earlier trying to find you, let alone many layers of dust from the battle. I’m surprised you’re still standing so close to me.” 

She laughed as she stood, pulling him up with her. “Why don’t you go take one first? I’ll find something for you to wear. I’m sure I have an old t-shirt I can enlarge or something.”

She dug through her trunk of clothes, finally coming across a larger t-shirt just as Remus emerged from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist and wet hair plastered to his forehead, looking as if he felt slightly awkward. She grinned as she threw the t-shirt at him. “Found an old t-shirt of my dad’s, should more than fit you. Hope you’re a fan of The Damned.”

He unfolded the shirt to peer at the band logo emblazoned across the chest, giving her a wry smile. “I must say I’m partial to The Jam, but I suppose this will do for a night.” 

She rolled her eyes, though she wasn’t sure the last time she had smiled so widely. It felt strange, as though the muscles in her face required for such a grin hadn’t been used in a long while. She’d missed teasing him about stupid things like his music preference. “Of course you are. Should have known with your fashion sense that you’re a mod, Mr. Skinny Ties Are Still Cool.” 

He was already asleep by the time she emerged from the shower. She pulled on her night shirt and then slipped quietly into the bed beside him. He rolled over and mumbled something, reaching out for her. She smiled as she wriggled closer to him. “What was that?” 

“Is this okay?” he murmured, draping an arm around her waist. 

“It’s more than okay.” She felt drowsy as soon as her head hit the pillow. “I’m glad you’re here with me, Remus. Thanks for staying.”

“I’m glad too.” 

“I love you.”

“I love you more,” he mumbled before deep sleep claimed them both. 

Tonks awoke abruptly several hours later to a strangled shout; disoriented and blinking, she turned over on her side. Though it was still dark in the room, she could see the faint outline of Remus scrambling to sit up against the headboard, his legs twisting in the sheets as he tried to kick them away. 

“Remus?” She pushed herself up quickly. “Remus, are you okay?” She reached out to touch his arm and felt him flinch when her fingers brushed him. “Were you having a nightmare?” 

“Sorry - sorry, Tonks,” he replied, voice cracking with sleep. “Sorry, you can go back to sleep - I’m just - I’m fine, I just had - I’m sorry -” she realized with slight alarm that he was shaking.

“Hey, no. It’s okay. Don’t apologize.” She twisted so that she was sitting up against the headboard next to him, keeping her hand on his arm. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.” He was still trembling slightly, though his legs had calmed their frantic movements beneath the sheets. 

  
“I said no apologies, alright? Here, drink some water.” She summoned a glass of water from the bathroom and pressed it into his hands. He took a few sips before she heard him set it on the bedside table with a slight sigh. “Do you want to talk about it?”    
  


“It’s not - you don’t want to hear about it.” Tonks was struck by how terrified he still sounded. “I just - I just - I woke up and I didn’t know what had happened or where I was or -” 

“It’s okay,” she soothed. “Come here.” She shifted closer to him, then pulled him against her. He resisted only slightly before allowing her to embrace him, tucking his head onto her neck. She held him tightly, running a hand gently up and down his back as his breathing calmed. “You’re here with me. You’re home now, you’re alright. We’re alright.”

“I’m - I’m sorry, Tonks, you shouldn’t have to deal with this,” he muttered. 

“Hey,” she admonished, “remember what I said earlier, alright? I’m here no matter what.” She tightened her arms around him as she felt him start to shift away. “I mean it, Remus. And stop squirming, I’m not done hugging you yet.” 

“You’ll be singing a different tune in the morning when the sleep deprivation hits you from staying up with the thirty-seven year old man sharing your bed to deal with his night terrors,” he replied bitterly.

“Hey. That thirty-seven year old man sharing my bed is the man I’m in love with so that kind of thing doesn’t matter, alright? You know I don’t care. Anyone would have night terrors after what you’ve been through,” she said quietly. “I get them myself, sometimes, after bad missions, you know. They usually take a couple weeks or months to go away, and luckily I haven’t had that issue in awhile, but you’ve been on one bad mission for a really, really long time, Remus. This is perfectly normal, but it doesn’t mean it’s at all easy to deal with.” 

They sat like that for a few minutes, her sitting up while wrapping him in a tight embrace. She felt the rise and fall of his shoulders gradually slow as his breathing became calmer before he finally spoke again.

“Did I ever tell you…” he hesitated. “Have I ever told you how my parents handled my transformations as a child? Once I started to grow?” 

“I mean, you mentioned they would put you in the basement, but -”

“He chained me,” Remus said bluntly. “My dad would put me in chains. Because I started getting stronger as I got older, and he wasn’t sure they’d be able to subdue me if something happened to go wrong.” 

Tonks was glad for the dark so that he couldn’t see the look of horror on her face. She also wondered if she would ever meet Lyall Lupin. “Remus…”

“It sounds barbaric, but my parents were just trying to keep us all safe. And the funny thing is that I longed for chains when I was at the camp.”

“What - why would you -”

“So I could be absolutely certain that I wouldn’t hurt anyone,” he replied quietly. “I don’t think there’s anything I can do to make that fear go away. Ever. And it’s so...I’m so tired.”

“I know,” she whispered. She stroked his hair; his breath was warm on her neck from where his head was still laid on her shoulder. Slowly, haltingly, she leaned down and pressed a kiss to his temple. His hair brushed against her neck, tickling her chin as he raised his head. She stroked his cheek with her hand now as he slid his hand into her hair. Their faces were close enough that she could feel his breath on her cheek. 

Then suddenly, he closed the gap between them, gently pressing his lips to hers. He kissed her hesitantly, cautiously, until she wound her hands through his hair, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss. He sighed into her mouth.

She gently pushed him back so that he was sitting against the headboard and swung her leg over to straddle him.  _ So much for moving slowly _ , she thought wryly, but she couldn’t really find it within herself to mind as she kissed him again, her tongue exploring his mouth, rolling her hips against his and feeling that he was hard. 

As if he had suddenly read her mind, Remus’ hands tightened on her hips as he pulled back slightly. “Dora,” he began, his voice gravelly, “I know - I’m sorry, I still have so much to make up for - if you’re not comfortable with -”

“I don’t care,” she replied. “I’ve missed you too much.” She kissed him again. “Fuck, I missed you so much.” 

“I missed you too,” he breathed. “More than you know.” 

The only sound filling the room now aside from the rustle of their quickly discarded clothing was the slight protest of bed springs as their bodies began to rock together and their breaths hitching into soft moans. Tonks wrapped her arms around his neck, relishing in the feeling of her body being pressed against his after so long, the warmth of his skin beneath her fingers. She focused on the weight of his hands as they glided over her waist and to her backside, rocking her hips against his as his head fell back against the headboard. She alternated between pressing wet kisses against his neck and brushing her lips against his ear, whispering the kind of encouragement he’d always liked. 

She felt the friction between them build, and she buried her face into his shoulder as she came, moaning his name. His skin was still damp from her kisses, his fingers tightening on her waist. As she came down, she began to move again, her arms still thrown around his neck; slowly at first, then more insistently as she heard his breathing start to hitch. She mouthed at his ear, whispering about how much she wanted him, how much she loved him, how good it felt to have him inside her again. When he came, she kissed him again, smiling against his lips as he gasped her name. They remained entwined together for several moments; pressed up against his chest, Tonks could feel his heartbeat start to calm as he softened inside her. Finally, she pressed another quick kiss to his lips before rolling off of him. He slid down in the bed to lay behind her, wrapping his arms around her. She wriggled back against him with a contented sigh. 

“Sorry again for waking you.” 

“Don’t apologize. I’d say that worked out quite nicely for all parties involved, wouldn’t you?” He gave a quiet chuckle, pressing a soft kiss to the back of her neck. 

“I suppose I’ll  _ definitely  _ start sleeping better if that’s what happens each time I wake up in the middle of the night.” 

“In all seriousness,” Tonks replied sleepily, feeling her eyelids getting heavier again, “don’t ever apologize for anything like that. I love you and care about you all the time, even in the middle of the night.” 

“Mmm. Remind me to check back in to see how much you still like me in the morning,” he said, voice gravelly with sleep. 

“Don’t get your hopes up of getting rid of me now. You’re stuck with me, Lupin.” She heard another sleepy chuckle, and then they both slipped back into a comfortable sleep.

Later that morning, Tonks awoke to Remus gently shaking her. She blinked her eyes open slowly, then they shot open as she sat up suddenly. “What? What is it?” She reached out wildly to grasp for her wand and felt her arm connect with something bony in the process.   
  


“ _ Oof - _ ” 

She turned to see Remus sitting up beside her, rubbing his chest where she had elbowed him. “Oh, sorry -”

“It’s okay,” he replied with a small smile. “Everything is fine, Tonks, sorry. I - maybe I shouldn’t have woken you, but I thought you’d want to - your hair,” he finished finally. 

“What d’you mean, my hair? Is it...it’s not, is it?” she asked, a smile of her own starting to creep onto her face. He nodded. She leapt out of bed and ran to the bathroom, giving a small whoop of joy when she looked in the mirror to see her favorite shade of pink had appeared again - perhaps a tad bit lighter than usual, but certainly pink. “It’s about bloody time!” she crowed. 

“Sorry again to wake you, I just - it was a pleasant surprise to wake up to, so I thought you’d want to see as soon as possible,” she heard Remus say from the bed. 

“I told you I missed you, you clod,” she shot at him as she exited the bathroom, still grinning. She flopped back into the bed, leaning over to kiss his cheek. “You turned me pink again.” 

“I can’t take credit, that was all you,” he replied, running his fingers through her hair and gazing at her with slight awe. 

“It was probably the orgasm,” she yawned as she slumped back against the pillow. He made a small choked noise as he continued stroking her hair. “I’m only half joking, you know.” 

“Er - I feel I would have noticed if your hair -”

“It was dark, and you were busy. Anyway,” she continued, tilting her head to smile up at him as he rolled his eyes, that familiar blush spreading across his face as it did whenever she brought up anything to do with sex. “I’m going to have to go into the office today. Haven’t gotten the summons yet, but with...everything that’s happened…” she trailed off as Remus sighed beside her. She reached over to lace her fingers through his, giving his hand a squeeze. “If you’re up for it, maybe we can...when I’m done at work, I was thinking…”

“We can have dinner together, if you’d like,” he said softly, giving her a small smile and returning her hand squeeze. 

She nodded fervently. “I would very much like that. I dunno what time I’ll be off, but…”

“I’ll need to meet with Alastor today to take care of some things. And potentially Minerva sometime this evening. But after that, I can meet you back here?” 

She nodded. “That sounds like a plan.” And as she smiled at him, his warm hand still in hers, for the first time in awhile, she felt almost hopeful. Even with everything else going on, with Dumbledore’s death and the prospect of his funeral, with Snape’s betrayal, and with things looking potentially bleaker than ever before, when Remus looked at her the way he was looking at her now, she felt as though she was going to be alright. As long as they could handle this together, they’d be alright.

* * *

Tonks stumbled in through the door to her flat, toeing off her boots as she called out a greeting. Remus poked his head out from the kitchen, beaming once he saw her.

“Hi, Dora. You’re just in time, I’ve just made some tea.” He came out into the sitting room, setting the tea down on the coffee table before helping her shrug out of her robes. “How was work?” 

“Ergh. I don’t want to talk about work,” she replied, plopping down on the sofa next to him. It felt slightly lumpy; she frowned as she reached behind her and pulled out his jacket. “And here I thought  _ you  _ were the neat one, now I’m pulling your wardrobe out from between the couch cushions,” she teased. 

He grinned at her. “Right, sorry; I was trying to neaten up around here a bit today, but might have missed some spots.” As she handed the jacket to him, a piece of paper fell out of the pocket. Reaching down to pick it up, she froze when she had it in her hand and realized that it was the note she had written him, before he’d gone away. The edges were worn and ripped and the ink was faded. 

She looked up to see that he was watching her closely. “You still carried this in your jacket? The whole time?” she asked softly. 

“I did,” he replied, smiling slightly. “And that reminds me of something I forgot to tell you. This note is actually one of the reasons Mick - you remember him - ended up trusting me, and it made it possible for me to help him.” 

“How so?”

“We were - the werewolves had a rotating guard duty. Kind of like the Order, actually. Anyway, we were on together one night and we were talking, and I bent over to pick something up and it fell out of my pocket. He grabbed it and read it before I could stop him -”

“Nosy.”

“Yes, a bit,” he continued, still smiling. “Anyway, he burst out laughing when he first read it, because he thought I’d written it myself.” 

“What? How would you have - that doesn’t make any sense.” 

“It’s a long story, and one I will not get into now, because it’s rather depressing. But part of the reason Mick ended up in the camp is that he was bitten as an adult. He was turned later in life, and he ended up losing his family because of it. Wife and a young daughter. That’s actually what we had been talking about that night, and when he read my note, I think he thought - he still didn’t believe that it was possible for werewolves - for people like us - to have people who love us, to lead real, happy lives.” 

“You had trouble believing that at a few points, too,” she pointed out quietly.

“I did.”

“So why did he think you’d written it yourself?”

“He thought...he thought that I’d made up a woman who was in love with me, just to make myself feel less lonely. It sounds quite pathetic, when you think about it, but Mick was really in a dark place at this point. I think he truly did not believe that it was possible for werewolves to find love. He couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that you knew what I am and  _ still _ loved me. It took me quite awhile to convince him that you were quite real, and that you were quite as amazing as he’d imagine you are.” He smiled at her. “And that’s actually one of the things that I was thinking about, that night I was running around trying to find you. The night Dumbledore died. I thought about my conversations with Mick, and how lucky I was that I’d found someone like you, and that I - that I didn’t want to lose that. To lose you.” 

“I do love you,” she replied, leaning over to kiss him, “but you needn’t make it sound like a charity act.”

“I know, that’s not what I meant. It’s just - I really am so lucky to have you.” He beamed at her again. He seemed to be in an exceptionally good mood today, and it was slightly contagious; she couldn’t help but grin back at him. 

“It sounds like I owe Mick a drink, then, for helping you see the light,” she said lightly, laying a hand on his chest as she leaned over to kiss him. “Though I have complete faith in you that you’d have gotten there all on your own.” 

“I like to think I would have eventually, but you’d put up with my nonsense for too long,” he replied, playing with the hair at the nape of her neck. “And I’m so grateful you’ve put up with my nonsense, as now I regularly feel like I’m the luckiest man on the planet.” 

“Mmm. Well, I can make you feel even luckier, if you’d like,” she replied coyly, starting to undo the top buttons of his shirt. He flushed slightly, but shifted back to accommodate her as she slid into his lap. He’d only been back for a little under two weeks, and despite their hectic schedules for the Order and the craziness Tonks had to put up with at work, it almost felt as if they were back in the honeymoon stage of their relationship. Whether it was sharing a cup of tea and a copy of the Prophet or an evening spent curled up to watch a movie, more often than not most of their activities that started out innocently on the couch concluded with them wearing far less clothes than they had started with. 

They lay together quietly for several minutes after what Tonks swore had to have been their millionth lovemaking session of the week; the tea they'd made was now cold on the table next to the settee. Sitting up with a groan, Tonks made to cast a warming charm and nearly knocked it over. Remus stood up, pulling on his trousers and buttoning back up his shirt. "I'll make us some more," he said, taking the mugs from her hand. 

"Don't be silly, a reheating charm will do the trick -"

"No, no, I'll make some fresh," he insisted, disappearing into the kitchen. However, when he reappeared, he was not holding any mugs. He knelt down in front of her as she sat up, blanket wrapped around her, confused. 

"Remus, why do you look so worried? Is everything okay?"

"I know after everything I've put you through, I really have no right to ask this. I owe everything to you and I still can’t quite believe that the way you say you feel about me is real. You owe me absolutely nothing, but it would make me so indescribably happy to spend the rest of my life proving to you how much I love you. I want to prove to you that I’m serious about you. I want to promise to devote my life to you as you keep promising to do for me.” Her jaw dropped slightly as she suddenly realized why he was kneeling on one knee. “Will you marry me?" 

“Are you mad?” she said slowly. 

“I know - I know I’ve only been back a couple weeks, and -”

“Yeah. Like twelve days, in fact, if you want to be exact,” Tonks said, eyes wide as she looked at him. 

And it was  _ soon _ . Would it be crazy? Sure, they’d known each other for nearly two years now, and they’d been fairly serious before he left - but  _ marriage _ ? Tonks knew deep down how much she loved him - with the way she felt now, she didn’t think there could be anyone else after him. And she was never sure she’d ever get married. She wasn’t opposed to the idea, but she’d never quite been able to picture herself as someone’s wife. But now, looking at Remus kneeling in front of her, for the first time, she could imagine it. She would still be herself, and she would spend the rest of her life with the man she loved. But was this something  _ he _ would really want?

But she was suddenly struck by how sure he looked. The fear that he usually held when it came to their relationship or commitment was gone. His eyes shone with complete surety and confidence. And that’s when she knew what her answer was.

At some point, he'd pulled a ring out of his pocket. It looked old and simple. It was beautiful. "This ring was my mother's. I'm sorry I cannot get you something newer. You don't have to have an answer now, and if you say no I will completely underst-"

“Yes.”

“And I know. Believe me, I know I sound crazy.” He continued on as if he hadn’t even heard her. “I’m sorry, I know it’s soon - and I don’t know if you’ve ever even thought about marriage. In general I mean, not even with me. I know I certainly never thought that  _ I _ \- that someone like me - could ever even have the  _ chance _ to be with someone like you, let alone -”

“Yes.” 

“And even if your answer is no, that doesn’t change anything I said before - I will still spend the rest of my life, or as long as you’ll have me, proving to you how much I -”

“Remus. Yes.” 

“What?” He suddenly cut off his nervous rambling, giving her a slightly dumbfounded look.

“Yes, you idiot, I’ll marry you,” she replied, grinning. 

“I - you will?”

“Well, don’t act so surprised,” she said exasperatedly. “Yes, Remus, yes. I want to marry you.” 

“Oh. Er, good. Thank you,” he said, relief washing over his face. “I mean - I feel that’s not quite what I’m supposed to say, is it? Sorry, I am obviously  _ very _ ill-prepared for this -” She laughed, rolling her eyes as she grabbed his collar and dragged him forward to kiss him. 

“I love you, you dork,” she murmured against his lips. “There’s just one thing.”

“What is it?” he replied, suddenly looking worried. 

“Why did you bother putting your clothes back on?” she mumbled as she worked feverishly to undo the fly on his trousers. He laughed, reaching down to help her. 

“Thankfully, that’s a problem we can quickly remedy.” 

“Yes, well, hurry up. You need to be matching your fianc é e’s state of nudity after such a proposal, it’s the law.”

“Is it?”

“I don’t make the rules, Mr. Lupin.”

“Well, I can’t say I’m too inclined to argue, Ms…er -”

“If you’re trying to think through what everyone’s going to call me once we’re married, that’s going to take a long time and some flowcharts to figure it all out, so shag me first and then we’ll talk about that later.” 

He laughed as she pulled him down on top of her again. Tonks knew that their problems were far from solved, and that they, along with the rest of the wizarding world, had dark times ahead of them. But for now, she could focus on the small world that she and Remus had; just the two of them on her living room sofa, forgotten tea on the table, a ring on her left hand, and the way he sweetly, lovingly kissed her as he settled between her thighs; and for now, this was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all surprise YES I am still alive! I had SUCH trouble with this chapter and I'm still not happy with it, writer's block and some mental stuff going on here but I figured if I don't put it out there I'll literally never end up publishing it and I wanted to wrap up this fic so I may end up changing some stuff later but here it is for now.
> 
> I hope you're all doing well; I'm planning on trying to work on some oneshots, I have some longer fics I'm trying to plan out but those are probably a long time coming so I'm trying to keep writing anyway to keep the block away. If there's anything anyone would like to see, any requests or ideas, let me know! I can't absolutely guarantee anything bc ~*depression*~ and also just life sometimes slow my schedule down a bit, but I would be willing to give it a go!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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